What's next -- corporate sponsorship, e.g, the "Progressive Auto Insurance Road Hole"?
I may be mistaken, but I do believe I saw a corporate sponsor's name affixed to that Zone of Reliability (I think that was the name) graphic deal that ABC superimposed on the putting greens at last week's Tour Championship.
Got me thinking about a piece by my colleague Rick Shefchik -- a very prescient piece, from the St. Paul Pioneer Press of 4/19/1991 (which, apropos of nothing, was 216 years and one day after Paul Revere's ride -- though, of course, I didn't need to tell that to those of you still alive who remember that famous day and year).
Here's the piece:
I went to a Twins game last weekend. At least, I'm pretty sure it was a Twins game. I definitely noticed some baseball in between the General Tire scoreboard race, the "comic" sound bites, the "guess the attendance" game, the baseball-bloopers tape, the Abbott and Costello "Who's on First?" routine, and the embarrassing "Ballpark Jeopardy" game hosted live by WCCO-TV anchor Don Shelby.
I fell into a troubled, fitful sleep upon returning home that night and dreamed that five years had gone by. The Twins were coming off their second straight 10th-place finish (the American League had expanded again), and hardly anyone was going to the Metrodome anymore.
As usual, nostalgic idealists were urging the Twins to build a new outdoor ballpark, cut out the glitzy promotions and put the emphasis back on developing a strong young baseball team, but new owners Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis decided that the club simply needed more marketing gimmicks.
Where the club had once made do with a handful of sponsored tie-ins, like the Snapper Mow 'em Down Inning, the Twins broadcasts were now wall-to-wall ads.
I dreamed that I was listening to John Gordon doing play-by-play of a game between the Twins and the Brewers:
"Hi again, everybody, and welcome to another Flyte Tyme production of the Minnesota Twins," Gordon said. "We're ready for the ceremonial tossing of the First Banks first ball, right after we listen to `The Starkist Spangled Banner.' "
I tossed and turned as Charlie the Tuna burbled our national anthem while the flag was superimposed over a can of chunk light tuna (in spring water) on the DiamondVision screen.
"OK, fans, we're ready to start the first game of this Dairy Queen double dip. The first Aunt Jemima Pancake Batter for the Twins today is Kirby `Vacuum' Puckett. Puckett takes a Brotherhood of Railway Workers strike right down the middle from the Brewers' Old Style pitcher, Chris Bosio. Bosio misses low and away with a White Castle slider... and misses up and in with some Kingsford Charcoal smoke. There's an Ultra Pampers change that's down and dirty, and Bosio's got himself into a Smucker's jam here, folks. With a name like Smucker's, you know this next pitch has got to be good. And there's ball four, and Kirby Vacuum has himself an MTC free pass to first base.
"Batting second for the Twins today is catcher Derek `ValleyFair' Parks. Bosio goes into his Domino's 30-minutes-or-less delivery, and Parks hits a Green Giant can o' corn to second. One away, and here's Tom Thumb shortstop Scott `Towels' Leius. Leius bounces one out to second. It's a Planned Parenthood fielder's choice at second base. Two down, and the Hefty Yard Bags cleanup hitter, Paul Sorrento, strides to the Royal Doulton plate. Bosio goes into his Duncan Yo-Yo windup... it's swung on and ripped into right-center `Mrs.' field... the ball's rolling to the wall-Mart, Leius rounds third and heads for Edina Realty home, here comes the throw, and he's out! Oh, Leius was Oscar Meyer dead meat on that one, folks. That was another Downy Fabric softener hang-em-out-to-dry assist."
I woke up in a cold sweat during the Playtex Seventh Inning Stretch.