Why not host the open at "The Ranch". I think Huck said he's never broken 80 on this layout if memory serves me right.
It could work for several reasons:
1) Difficult and narrow fairways. There would be a record number of guys hitting 3 on the tee, thats what the USGA wants right, resistance to scoring?
2) Several forced carries from both tee to fairway and fairway to green. Once again, more lost balls in hazards and the gunch.
3) Instead of killing them with an overly long course, hammer them with an insanely long and leg-cramp-inducing walk. Sure perhaps this would favor Tiger with his conditioning, but what major open venue doesn't favor him?
I realize you're joking, but I'm still compelled to explain a few of the reasons why the USG would never select this course.
#1 It would take players at least six hours to get around the course. John Daly would have a heart attack in the heat of June. Tigers advantage would be even greater, unless he was forced to carry Steve Williams.
#2 The spectators would be standing on ~30% grades along the first 7 holes. Broken ankles and necks would result for certain, unless the gorge was covered filled in with about 6 billion cubic yards of dirt.
#3 The course is sub-7000 yards, even if the fairways are all 10 yards wide and "trenched diagonally from the tee box along the edge of a hillside. Fred Funk would be the only one straight enough off of the tee to reach the short grass, yet he can't carry the ball far enough to do so.
#4 The course has houses everywhere and power lines over the 18th hole. They would have to park spectators 5 miles away and shuttle them up the hill. Also, people would be stopping on the side of the freeway to pull out their binoculars and watch players the front nine.
#5 No practice facilities.
#6 The world would cease to exist, with the existence of god eminently disproven.