Prepositional Golf Courses

[Mike_Cirba]

From Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly:

You know what I'm sick of? Preposition golf.

I'm talking about all these courses with prepositions in their names -- The Experience at Marina Meadows, or The Challenge at the Peaks of Del Frisco. And the more e's in the name, the more it costs you. Play a round at The Linkes at
Olde Harbour Centre, and you're in for $200, easy.

As if the names have anything to do with the courses. "Have you gents ever enjoyed The Tradition at Elk Crossing before?" the phony-grinned "director of golf" will ask you while he's dinging your AmEx for $175.

"No, pal, we haven't," you want to say. "And I'll bet a week's pay we don't enjoy any elk out there, either. Unless the Wal-Mart next door sent them over."

I just wish they'd call some of these courses what they really are. The Lakes at the Landfill. The Fumes of Toxic Acres. VISA Experience at Overmowed Pasture.

It's all so precious. You drive up to a Preposition, and 12 guys in matching plus fours descend on your car like Bombay street urchins, whisking your bag out of your trunk before you can get your shoes out. Next time you see the bag, it's got a pewter tag that's slightly larger than an oxen yoke and can't
be removed with an acetylene torch.

You get in a cart that's complete with a water mister, mango-scented towels, personal rake, Italian ball-marking coins, global positioning system and a video on which Arnold Palmer suddenly pops up, saying, "On this hole you'll want to hit a 220-yard high fade over the pond, but be sure to get it on the
fourth level to give yourself a chance at a birdie." Yeah, Arnie, like if I hit a 220-yard shot over agua, I'm going to be pissed I'm not on the right green level.

But you don't get to play golf yet. First comes the 20-minute lecture from a "course host," who used to be just a marshal before Conglommo Golf bought the joint and started throwing prepositions around. He's always in plus fours and a headset and thinks he's Barney Fife. "Gentlemen, here at Bent Pine Ridge at Pelican Sanctuary we have some very strict guidelines for you to follow." One is, Don't even think about taking the carts off the cement path, because if you do, you will be shot by one of the course hosts. Which is another way of saying, "Enjoy your six-hour round, folks."

Then out comes another Plus Four who takes pictures of your group and will have them all laid out for you in a leatherette album when you make the turn.  It'll be only $45 a photo, and why not have your first divot framed, too?

You want to scream, "We really just want to play golf, not buy time shares in the Swiss Alps!"

Every now and then the "mobile refreshment center" will drive up, and you'll have to pay $6 for a single "malted beverage," and the "mobile refreshment hostess" will look like you shot her kitten if she doesn't get to keep the $4 change.  The malted beverage will make you have to visit one of the "comfort stations" that are usually miles from the nearest "teeing ground." And there aren't just three teeing grounds anymore, there are six, so that the average chop feels like a florist if he doesn't play from the "bronze" tees, even though the course plays 2,000 yards longer than he can "enjoy."

Every tee shot is a 230-yard carry over absolutely off-limits "native grasslands," which means even if you see your $6 Titleist sitting in there, you can't step three feet in to get the ball. If you had this kind of native grasslands in your front yard, the neighbors would be leaving notes wondering if you'd like to borrow their Weed Whacker. The front nine is longer than the March of Dimes, and at the turn a Martha Stewart picnic breaks out, in which you end up with an arugula sandwich, a bag of organic beet chips and a $4 iced tea in a bottle designed by I.M. Pei.

And you always end up shooting a radio station -- a KOOL 105 or a WAVE 102--and lose four sleeves and have to tip $5 to each of the plus-four urchins who clean your clubs, which only hacks you off worse because you know you never hit any of your freaking shots on the club face anyway.

As you leave, it's everything you can do to keep from flooring your 1984 Taurus through the wooden security arm, across the 2nd and 11th fairways, spinning doughnuts on the 18th green and racing past the director of golf, screaming, "Enjoy that!"

[Andy Hodson]

That might be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Reilly is great.

[DJ Fan]

Well done Rick, you mimic Dan Jenkins so well!

[Scott_Burroughs]

I never realized that Reilly's writing style was so much like Dave Barry's.

Still a funny article, though I wonder how many SI regulars know what "plus fours" are.

I posted a piece here last year on "How to Name Your Golf Course" which was a little similar to Reilly's, but back then, non-architecture threads were less accepted than they are now.

[Mike_Cirba]

Scott,

Don't you think that this essay touches heavily on architecture, particularly much of modern architecture, where the focus seems to be on everything BUT the golf course and the playing of the game.  

[Scott_Burroughs]

I certainly wasn't criticizing the lack of architecture content, Mike.  I enjoy non-arch threads too, as golf is much more than just that  .  I was commenting more on the state of GCA last year vs. this year, thought there still is a bit of that air now by some.  But when I see the true doyens participating in non-architecture threads, it shows that most everyone has some interest level in non-arch-related issues.

[Mike_Cirba]

Scott,

My "raised eyebrow"   was a reaction to those type of courses, and not your observation about non-architecture related threads.  

I know that I'm stretching the architectural line a bit here, but having played quite a number of courses that would fit nicely into Rick's article, I found it appropriate, nonetheless.

[Doug Wright]

Somebody forward this to Troon Golf stat!  

Rick, who's a member of my club out here in Denver, is a really funny guy (KOOL 105 is an oldies radio station here). If you ever need an after dinner speaker, Rick's a hoot, with a million funny stories.

All The Best,  

[A_Clay_Man]

Mike- The article ends with some very violent thoughts. Which shows me Mr. Relly is as passionate as most of us about the state of the game. It really is a joke, the GAP between what we need and what we get.

 And it's always somebody elses notion of what we WANT?

Perhaps this spellsout the reason for the failure of the CCFAD's to be ultra-profitable (if at all) beause most golfers will find the club that suits them and join it.

[Dave_Miller]

Rick Reilly has written several really good articles about golf, the players, and the courses over the years.  He was the one who suggested the way to stop Tiger would be to have Jim Furyk become his new swing coach.

Cheers
Dave

[A_Clay_Man]

There is no doubt Mr/ Reilly has a close association with public golf. One of the all-time funniest books is his "Missing Links". GET IT.

[Evan Fleisher]

I always enjoy Rick's "back page" article in S.I., and this one is no exception.

Kudos!!!

[ian]

Thanks MIke,

That is one of the funiest pieces I have read.

The worst part is how painfully true it is. Every public "member for a day" golf course fits into this piece. I for one like to carry my own clubs everywhere. Watching the staff sweat as I carry my clubs, hopping that their "assistant to the assistant director of golf" doesn't see a guest (pigeon) carrying his own clubs. Also these course have so many staff, that it becomes like Hari Krishnia in the airports, everytime you turn to avoid them you run into another group. After a while it becomes so confusing that you end up tipping everyone including your playing partners just trying to get to the course. Then it starts to rain!

[John_Conley]

"Around, across, among, through
against, along, beyond, to
These are prepositions..."

Does anybody remember how the rest goes?

[mike_beene]

Anyone played the "Thrilla at Manilla?"

[mike_beene]

When the USGA ,in an effort to reach all golfers,takes the Open to one of these courses,wonder how many times Jimmy Roberts will say "the first U.S. Open at a truly prepositional facility"

[Derek_Duncan]

Mango scented towels?  Reilly must have just returned from playing The Raven at Sandestin Resort. (Actually the mango scented towels are quite nice!)

[Matt_Ward]

Mike:

The article was a real scream  ! For many people the focus point is the show -- the glitz -- the glaring lights -- the booms -- yada, yada yada. Few people pay attention to the product -- the golf course. Take away the 64-ounce brew, the blond bimbo, the yardage finder and all the rest of the "equipment" and many might never return to the course.

Now that's a thought.

[Rick Shefchik]

The real question is, how many people play these courses on their own dime? Maybe now that we're on the soft side of the "golf boom," a few more actual golfers are showing up to take advantage of the specials (one such course in the Twin Cities offered a $31 green fee last Thursday-Sunday during the days the Open was played at Bethpage Black -- supposedly a tribute, but obviously an effort to get more butts in the carts.) But these places couldn't exist without expense accounts, and the expense account golfer has no idea what golf is supposed to be like. I still think there's a niche for real good public courses that are nothing but golf, with no frou-frou b.s. to run up the tab.

(The drummer in the oldies band I play in played at Pebble Beach last fall -- on a junket put together by the software firm he works for. I'm still trying to scrape up the money for my first round there.)

[Paul Perrella]

   Mike,

 Talk about hitting the nail on the head. This article summarizes many of the new CCFAD's. One of my fondest memories was with my brother and a few friends at one of these courses in Florida. My brother said, while riding down the first fairway, that he would program the GPS which neither of us had ever used.  By the time we reached the second tee he was so frustrated he said why don't we just bag the GPS which is not our style anyway. On the third fairway our attendant brought us the three hamburgers my brother had somehow ordered. The attendant took them back and told us not to worry as it had happened many times before.
  Every couple of years all avid American golfers should be required to spend a few days in some off the beaten track in Scotland or Ireland to cleanse their golfing souls.