Does anyone care about where you haven't been and don't want to go?

[Bernie Bell]

John, I get the space station might be expensive but apart from the present situation, what's stopping you going to Egypt?


Sew a Canadian* flag on your backpack and set sail. It's a wonderful place.




* I'd recommend an Australian flag but US punters are terrible at doing the accent

What is stopping me going to Egypt is the most boring story of all. I'm scared. I don't see becoming less scared with age being in my future.

Fair enough, it's not exactly a risk free destination, but what is these days.


Because we (Australians) grew up in the asre end of the world, we are by nature travellers.


Generalisation upcoming.....when I'm in the US I'm often surprised about how dangerous the rest of the world is perceived to be. Was this always the case?

Works both ways.  In 1989, the proprietor of a Belfast B&B asked, upon learning we were from Washington DC, "how can ya live in such a place?  The murder capital of the world!"  This was at height of crack wars in DC.  This was also in the evening of a day when I had guns drawn on me when I stopped a rental car (foolishly) at a checkpoint to ask directions, and we walked city streets patrolled by trucks with soldiers manning mounted machine guns.  Thankfully both our towns are better off in 2020 . . . at least for now.  Just beware the falling statues.

[John Kavanaugh]

John, I get the space station might be expensive but apart from the present situation, what's stopping you going to Egypt?


Sew a Canadian* flag on your backpack and set sail. It's a wonderful place.




* I'd recommend an Australian flag but US punters are terrible at doing the accent

What is stopping me going to Egypt is the most boring story of all. I'm scared. I don't see becoming less scared with age being in my future.

Fair enough, it's not exactly a risk free destination, but what is these days.


Because we (Australians) grew up in the asre end of the world, we are by nature travellers.


Generalisation upcoming.....when I'm in the US I'm often surprised about how dangerous the rest of the world is perceived to be. Was this always the case?

My daughter lived in Australia for eight years and I never visited. If anything I learned that Australians love traveling and playing dress up. Despite the fact that she would get coffee every morning at the Lindt Cafe where Katrina Dawson was killed I never felt she was unsafe. As a matter of fact I worry about her when she is in the US more than any foreign country.


For me, I'm 60 and spent my formative years during a time when it seemed like all terrorism was in the Middle East. Our news media has always sold advertising and blood sells. I don't know about the rest of the world but if its bleeding we be seeing.


I was watching a Netflix doc on the Rolling Stones and they showed a concert they did under the Pyramids. I've never seen either. That was my shot to go to Egypt and I regret that it missed it.

[Mike Hendren]

Gib, next time you find yourself in the South remember that Delta is ready when you are. 

Not even your wit can obscure the fact that Augusta National Golf Club has one of the greatest courses in the world.  And your course?  Apparently it's best known for putting a hamburger on a hot dog bun.  So you've got that going for you.

Bogey

[Kalen Braley]

Not sure anyone will be wanting to head to these parts if this trend continues..

[jeffwarne]

Barny,


Heresy alert: I don’t care if I ever play Augusta. I’ve never been to the Masters; my purely intellectual curiosity is probably limited to studying the putting surfaces (#14 & #17 in particular come to mind). Beyond that - and the fact the city is a piece of shit - the course strikes me as an amalgamation of endless tinkering, aimed solely at one week a year.

My two opportunities to play it came and went - too tough to work around my schedule - but in truth, if I had moved heaven and earth, it was doable.

After spending a day on the grounds, smart money has me on the couch next to Mike Young, watching on T.V.

In fact, I’ve never even bothered to tag along with homies to the Masters. I suppose I’ll finally go next year, but I’m more interested in seeing an early practice round (or when nobody is on the course) than fighting a hoard of patrons. I’m sure I can get a pimento sandwich on Tuesday - but doubtful it will hold a candle to an Olympic Club burger-dog.
 

Gib,


Why were you in Augusta if not to attend the Masters?  I would be happy show you around our “piece of shit city” should you find yourself in the area to study two greens at ANGC.  I would recommend you study all eighteen, but what do I know. PS-I love the burger dog at Olympic.


Mark

ditto-I thought it an odd comment from someone who generally is bitching about their own state as well.
I for one am generally trying to find ways to get down to Augusta and Aiken area, but then I like visiting California as well...
Never having been to The Masters is a GAPING hole in one's golf/sporting event experiences, but then if you haven't been, you just don't know that....

[Marty Bonnar]

Seeing (and going inside) the Great Pyramid of Khufu is one of my life’s most fantabulous experiences. Getting there in a bus from Port Said, following the Suez Canal with AN ARMED GUARD the whole way was, slightly less life-affirming!
Plus, Cairo is possibly a bit more of a shithle than Augusta even.
F.

[Gib_Papazian]

Bogey,


When Augusta National is important enough to hold 5 U.S Opens and 3 U.S. Amateurs - putting aside the rest of our storied history - let me know.


Purity of pedigree takes precedence over a ham-handed amalgamation of architectural fads du jour - forcing some kind of tone-deaf, clumsy series of penis extensions to satisfy the techno-whores who make a mockery of the game's ethos for one week a year.


Let's not forget that nearly every negative deviation from golf's roots began at Augusta. Insane green speeds (okay, maybe Oakmont and Henry Fownes also had a hand), wall-to-wall manicured grass, enough flowers to put Sentry World to shame - and an aura of snobbish exclusivity so self-assured, co-founder Cliff Roberts was an even bigger twat than Leona Helmsley.


Now, to be clear, I'm perfectly happy to walk around and get a gander of the legendary slopes and wild putting surface contours, but only if I'm not required to cough up $400 a night for the privilege of a crab-infested bed and a trough of beans and collard for the price of dinner at The French Laundry.


As for playing Augusta, I'm happy to play it - the same way I'm happy to take an insane nympho for a test drive, but I'm not trading in my membership to endure a grill-room full of Hord Hardin dopplegangers.


And as for your snot-off about our world-famous "Bill's Burger-Dogs" - since 1953 - there is no better gastronomic delight at any  American club (even the Jewish ones) that comes close. I've had the Turtle Soup at PV, the NGLA crab lunch, the steak at Winged Foot, the soup at Merion, you name it - there is no comparison.


Speaking of Delta (or Northwest), if you send me a ticket to Augusta or Frankfort, Michigan and force me to choose, you'll find me on DeVries' back patio, looking out at the Sleeping Bear Dunes. 






   


     


 


   


 

[John_Cullum]

And as for your snot-off about our world-famous "Bill's Burger-Dogs" - since 1953 - there is no better gastronomic delight at any  American (even the Jewish ones) that comes close. I've had the Turtle Soup at PV, the NGLA crab lunch, the steak at Winged Foot, the soup at Merion, you name it - there is no comparison.

Isn't just a rectangular hamburger patty cooked on a griddle and then served on a hot dog bun? What am I missing?

[Tim Leahy]

And as for your snot-off about our world-famous "Bill's Burger-Dogs" - since 1953 - there is no better gastronomic delight at any  American (even the Jewish ones) that comes close. I've had the Turtle Soup at PV, the NGLA crab lunch, the steak at Winged Foot, the soup at Merion, you name it - there is no comparison.

Isn't just a rectangular hamburger patty cooked on a griddle and then served on a hot dog bun? What am I missing?

Wrong! It is seasoned ground beef formed in the shape of a hot dog. Served with homemade ketchup relish. Tube steak at its finest.

[Gib_Papazian]

John,


You know what? Just go cut a rectangle into a Big Mac.


Anybody whose footer reads: "Raynor was a hack" is too far on the left side of the bell curve to understand anything but a Ted Robinson course.


Who the fuck gave you a key to the Treehouse?

[John Kavanaugh]

John Cullum is one of the original good guys round these parts. He once kicked my ass every way but sideways using two Perfect Clubs. I didn’t even know they made two Perfects. You may have known him as Sarge.


He took me into his home once and you know how that gains my undying loyalty.

[jeffwarne]

John Cullum is one of the original good guys round these parts. He once kicked my ass every way but sideways using two Perfect Clubs. I didn’t even know they made two Perfects. You may have known him as Sarge.

+1

[Mike Hendren]

Gib, Olympic’s championship pedigree is indeed impressive.  Golf will forever appreciate that  it identified great champions like Jack Fleck, Scott Simpson, Lee Jantzen, Webb Simpson, Charlie Coe, Nathaniel Crosby and Colt Knost.


Bogey

[Daryl David]

Gib, Olympic’s championship pedigree is indeed impressive.  Golf will forever appreciate that  it identified great champions like Jack Fleck, Scott Simpson, Lee Jantzen, Webb Simpson, Charlie Coe, Nathaniel Crosby and Colt Knost.


Bogey

World class mike drop.

[Tim Leahy]

Gib, Olympic’s championship pedigree is indeed impressive.  Golf will forever appreciate that  it identified great champions like Jack Fleck, Scott Simpson, Lee Jantzen, Webb Simpson, Charlie Coe, Nathaniel Crosby and Colt Knost.


Bogey

That tells you how tough a test it is. Even the best couldn't master it. Pun intended. And the list of second place finishers ain't bad.

[Rob Marshall]

If it wasn’t for a sand filled divot you could add Stewart to that list. I have to give Gib points, haven’t heard anyone say “twat” in years.

[John_Cullum]

John,


You know what? Just go cut a rectangle into a Big Mac.

That would pretty much do it Gib. Enjoy your burger dog. I've not had it, but I'm confident my quality of life is not short changed.

[Jim Sherma]

Awesomely entertaining writing - thank you!

Mark,


Me and a couple of my GCA cabal were rolling through Augusta on the way to Succession and Chechessee Creek. No offense on the "piece of shit" crack since an army of grifters and drifters have turned (what was once) the most beautiful city on Earth into a sewer of schizophrenics defecating on the street - and the highest number of car burglaries x2 in America.


However, let's be honest, even if Mr. Clean was the Augusta mascot, the place would still be marginal at best. Walking down the street, getting the cold stare stink-eye from the locals was a bit unsettling. I live in a place where nobody gives a shit what color your are - but when we finally found a decent hotel, in came a parade of hustlers and their brown sugars du jour, renting rooms on-the-side by the hour, without management knowing.


Don't hate me, but the only place we found to eat that did not scream "focus group driven national chain," was a big-ass sports bar with cornbread and ribs so greasy, they kept a pair of heart paddles at every table and a cardiologist on staff, who also doubled as a fry cook.


One of the guys got taken home by your basic Farrah-do, married and divorced twice by age 26, three kids by two different guys (although the paternity test was inconclusive about the one with kinky hair), halter top and chipped fingernail polish. Evidently, she was a former prom queen who flunked out of hair salon school, but apparently she was quite a romp.


Having no interest in bringing home syphilitic madness to our lovely wives, we hunkered down at the Savannah River Brewing joint and tried to separate the Walmart shoppers from the Bass Pro Shop hicks. After a while, it became a blur of pink hot pants and cutoff vests, so we fled back to our room and passed out to the sound of gunshots and sirens.

I never did see Butler Cabin, maybe we were on the wrong side of town . . . .


   

[Gib_Papazian]

You know what? I need a tongue-in-cheek emoji . . . . . 


Maybe - in this era of safe spaces and snowflakes - my imperious snotosity comes off more nasty than snidely funny. Buddy Hackett had the same problem as he got older and meaner . . . . . . . Don Rickles ended up more famous for sucking off Sinatra than for his insult gags.   


The Treehouse used to be full of dice box slamming, rapier needle artists - who intermixed salient and learned observations with a dash of wit and repartee. I'm well on the way to end up a forgotten pariah like Johnny Thunders, the Tommy Bolt of the GCA Treehouse. 


And at this rate - in the interest of full disclosure, my daughter and stepson just explained how this works last week - I'm probably going to be "cancelled" out of the Treehouse. Ran barely tolerates me as it is, so one more complaint from H.R. and I'll get voted out off the island.   


Look, since everyone in this brave new era of self-examination is required to prostrate themselves to the most easily offended, I hereby retract any and all comments that may have offended the following people or institutions:


Augusta fanboys, patrons of southern grease pits, Bogey and his fan club, Barny (begrudgingly), Macdonald's, critics of Raynor, Farrah-do tramps, Bass Pro Shop corporate, wearers of pink hot pants, heirs of Leona Helmsley and anybody who self-identifies as a twat.


Okay, I'll go away for a while.     

[John_Cullum]

https://youtu.be/xbr6ZO7JDJc

[Tim Martin]

John Cullum is one of the original good guys round these parts. He once kicked my ass every way but sideways using two Perfect Clubs. I didn’t even know they made two Perfects. You may have known him as Sarge.

+1

I was lucky enough to meet John a number of years ago at a GCA event and he’s a great guy with a wry sense of humor.

[Bernie Bell]

"Okay, I'll go away for a while."

I sure hope not.  I was wondering if you could reach out to Ralph Steadman to illustrate your Fear and Loathing in Augusta.

[John Kavanaugh]

Long angry rants are yesterday’s news.

[Mark Pritchett]

Gib,


You did not offend me at all.  If you are ever in Augusta. I would be happy to host you at Augusta CC and take you to some of our better grease pits!


Mark

[Lou_Duran]

Mark,


Drinks on me to get you and Gib for a few hours at a bar.  I've been around both of you a few times, albeit separately, and the alcohol-influenced repartee between a free-flowing mind without borders or discipline and understated but quick, quirky southern wit would be worth every penny.


Methinks that Gib might seem to be trying a bit hard in his latest contributions.  Sarge is a good egg.  And as much as I would welcome a round of golf with him anytime, I might opt for a few hours on his bass boat.  As good a golfer as he is, I understand he is + something at bass fishing (I am an 18).


BTW, I'd return to Augusta on a split second.  Question is, will I ever get THE call?  I am not terribly optimistic.