Funny golf stories

[Matthew Essig]

I have a funny golf story that doesn't fall under the caddie one liner thread.

My dad and I were sitting in the new building next to the main range at Bandon, when Grant Rogers (Director of Instruction) comes in and sits down with us. After chatting awhile, he began telling us a story:

Grant was called up one week and asked to have a "walk with the golfer while he is playing a round" lesson that weekend. Grant asks the golfer, "How many rounds have you played?" The golfer replies, "A ton. I have even played Bandon around 20 times." Grant, who was a little surprised by this, accepts. The weekend comes around. Grant meets the golfer on the 1st tee. The golfer tees the ball up and whiffs. He tries again and whiffs. He tries a third time and tops it 15 yards down the fairway. Grant asks him, "When was the last time you played?" The golfer replies, "Oh. I have never played golf in real life before. I decided to come here because I love playing the course on the Tiger Woods video game." It was the longest day of Grant's life. 

Let's hear what you all have!!!!

[Garland Bayley]

I'll see if anyone else thinks this is funny. When it happened we laughed 'til we cried. Picture four software engineer duffers playing a quick 9 holes at lunch time. There are some good golfers in the software business, but they are either in marketing or sales. Real engineers all have handicaps of over 30. The engineers are playing snakes. Someone three putts and the monetary pot grows and the three putter has "possesion" of the snake until the next three putt. Last person holding the snake pays everyone off the amount designated by the pot when the round ends. The worst putter in the group (by number of times he has held the snake at the end) is away and hits his shot onto the fringe of the green, which is good, because he gets three putts to hole out, which will only count as two since the first one is not "officially" counted. Two players are blocked by tree branches and will have to play running shots into the green, which happens to have the awful putter's ball on their line to the flag in the green. First player hits his shot, which eventually hits the other ball on the way to the green and knocks it a hare's breath from being on the green proper. This results in joviality about someone escaping a certain three putt. The other 30 handicapper selects his club and announces that he is going to run the ball in from 50 yards and knock that ball onto the green. Then he proceeds to accomplish called shot and there is one shocked certain three putter and three other guys rolling on the ground in stitches.

[Matthew Essig]

With the number of rounds combined on this website, how is there no other funny golf stories 

(Creative way to bump    )

[Ian Andrew]

I've been running a series of funny stories recently on my blog.
This was the last one:



We were in the middle of a bunker renovation where the contractor, shaper, superintendent and I had one of those very close relationships where each day was a great day on site. We had made wonderful progress that particular day, but weather rolled in and we decided it was a good time to take stock of where we were and what we needed to get done in the next few weeks. It also allowed a review of the contract and where the budget actually stood since many line items were paid by the unit.

We decided since it was wet and cold that coffee was in order…

 I offered to go out since Tim’s was very close, but the superintendent insisted that he had good coffee and would brew a pot. We began to pour coffee and go through the details when the shaper asked for cream. I also wanted milk or cream too and the super said I’ll just go to the house and get some. He lived on the property, but at the other end. It was raining so I threw my keys to him…

About 30 seconds later we heard a loud “crunch.”

The superintendent came in ashen faced and suggested I come outside. All I said was are you OK?
“… Yeah … but your car’s not...” Now I was the one who was ashen faced.

We went outside and there was my car plastered backwards into the shapers brand new truck with trunk now sticking straight up in the air and the car was clearly 12” shorter than originally designed.

Fortunately, to me a car is just a car, so I got in and pulled it away from the truck. I went to look at the truck and while it had a pretty good “rub” mark there was surprisingly no damage because of the heavy duty decorative front frame. Apparently it was not a decorative feature! The shaper laughed and said, “I’m good, please don’t worry about anything since I would have done something that in the next few weeks on site anyway.”

We all finally had a good laugh … well except the superintendent … and eventually the GM. The GM upon hearing the news simply said, “He’s the last person I would ever lend my car to.” and immediately called a body shop belonging to one of the members. He made a quick arrangement to have it fixed right away and procured a rental car for me drive home from the shop.

I came back for the next visit and exchanged cars and all was back to normal. When it became time for a coffee that afternoon, I got in the car myself and went and get coffees for everyone. But just before I left, I burst out laughing when the super said “I can brew a pot!”

[Rich Goodale]

German guy walks up to the Pro at a remote Scottish course, buys a sleeve of logoed balls and asks is he can play and also hire clubs. Pro says OK, gives him the last rental set, but walks out of his shop to watch and make sure that the German guy can play the game.  German guy stripes one down the middle with a reasonably athletic swing and the Pro goes back to his shop to call his bookie and check on the relative forms of the runners at Epsom that day...

......five hours later German guy storms into the pro shop, says the Scottische game is far too hard, throws the bag of rental clubs onto the floor and storms out.  It is not until the pro checks the clubs an hour or so later that he learns that the set he rented the guy had three right-handed woods, 9 left handed irons and no putter....

[Jonathan Stewart]

A friend of mine who can hit the ball a country mile came to a downhill par 4 where he usually lays up short of the creek. It's about 320 to carry the water but if accomplished only a flip sand wedge remains as opposed to a 165 yard shot from the other side of the creek.

On that day he was playing a best ball format and his partner had just put one in perfect position. So he pulled out the big dog and gave it the biggest rip I've every seen him make. You can't see the landing zone and nobody knew until we crossed the creek whether his ball was dry. And sure enough it was right in the middle of the fairway with about 70 left to the pin.

About the time he was getting over his shot he looked up to his partner and said, "Looks like I took the water out of play." Apparently the golf gods did not like this statement and he then proceeded to hit a hozel rocket which struck a tree absolutly square and kicked it backwards 40 yards to find a watery grave.

His partner laughed to the point he was in tears, and the rest of the day he kept repeating "Took the water out of play" and chuckling to himself.

[Eric Smith]

Posted this one a few years ago on here, so forgive me if you've "heard it before"!

My old college roommate is a caddie.  He's won on the bag with Tom Lehman, Chris DiMarco, Mike Sposa.  He's done and seen it all.

So he's caddying for Sposa at the AT&T National Pro-Am.  Early 90's.  Poppy Hills.  Jack Nicklaus finishes his round after a rainy day and is in the head taking a leak.  Barry Cheesman is in the urinal beside the Bear.  Cheese asks Jack what he thought of Poppy Hills?  Jack says, "you mean Sloppy Hills?" and they both have a laugh.  Then Jack cuts a big fart, followed by a moment of awkward silence and Jack says, "now THAT'S sloppy!"

[Bill_McBride]

Posted this one a few years ago on here, so forgive me if you've "heard it before"!

My old college roommate is a caddie.  He's won on the bag with Tom Lehman, Chris DiMarco, Mike Sposa.  He's done and seen it all.

So he's caddying for Sposa at the AT&T National Pro-Am.  Early 90's.  Poppy Hills.  Jack Nicklaus finishes his round after a rainy day and is in the head taking a leak.  Barry Cheesman is in the urinal beside the Bear.  Cheese asks Jack what he thought of Poppy Hills?  Jack says, "you mean Sloppy Hills?" and they both have a laugh.  Then Jack cuts a big fart, followed by a moment of awkward silence and Jack says, "now THAT'S sloppy!"

Good one!   Reminds me of reading that Arnie and some of his cronies were sitting in the Bay Hill men's grill after breakfast, when Arnie announces, "Well, time to hit the head and take a big Jack Nicklaus!"

I guess that was back in the day when they were really competitive.   

[Eric Smith]

Posted this one a few years ago on here, so forgive me if you've "heard it before"!

My old college roommate is a caddie.  He's won on the bag with Tom Lehman, Chris DiMarco, Mike Sposa.  He's done and seen it all.

So he's caddying for Sposa at the AT&T National Pro-Am.  Early 90's.  Poppy Hills.  Jack Nicklaus finishes his round after a rainy day and is in the head taking a leak.  Barry Cheesman is in the urinal beside the Bear.  Cheese asks Jack what he thought of Poppy Hills?  Jack says, "you mean Sloppy Hills?" and they both have a laugh.  Then Jack cuts a big fart, followed by a moment of awkward silence and Jack says, "now THAT'S sloppy!"

Good one!   Reminds me of reading that Arnie and some of his cronies were sitting in the Bay Hill men's grill after breakfast, when Arnie announces, "Well, time to hit the head and take a big Jack Nicklaus!"

I guess that was back in the day when they were really competitive.   

Good clean fun, Bill. A friend likes to tell me he's "going to go sculpt a likeness of you" when headed to the john. Funny guy.

[Bill Brightly]

Not a golf story, but good place to post this so you can brush up on important one-liners

*James Joyce* - an impossible read
*Rock Hudson * - looked straight, but wasn't.
*Cuban* - needed one more revolution
*Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
*Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another
*Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
*Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
*John Kennedy, Jr.* - didn't make it over the water
*Elephant's Ass* - high and stinky
*Rodney King* - over-clubbed
*O.J. Simpson* - got away with it
*Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
*Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
*George W. Bush* - steadily fading
*condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good
*son-in-law* - Not what I was hoping for but I guess I can live with it
*circus tent* - a BIG top
*Anna Kournikova* - looked great, but bad result
*Brazilian* - Shaved the hole
*Rush Limbaugh* - Way right
*Nancy Pelosi* - Way left

[Keith OHalloran]

Bill there is also:
The sister in law- Usually used after a bad shot hits the green, means you are up there, but you know you shouldn't be.

The Lance Armstrong: This is accomplished when a caddy gives you a tour of the course using just one ball!

[Dave Taylor]

"Tina Turner" - Well struck

[Jim Nelson]

On a group outing to Scotland we are playing Renaissance, ane of my best friends is in our foursome.  This story only makes sense if you know that he needs a fair amount of coaching around the course.  After about the 4th hole, I ask him how he likes the course.  He likes it, but questions the narrow fairways.  I respond with "oh, they are not that bad" while trying to figure out what he is talking about, but we play on.  At about the turn, once again he mentions the narrow fairways.  I am a little perplexed as they just don't seem to be that narrow, but I tell him to just not worry. Hit the ball down the middle, all that stuff.  I do notice a small bead of sweat coming down his forehead but our friend is sort of a worrier.  On the 17th (or was it 16th) I am cleaning my club, and hear the following conversation at the tee.  Golfer:  What's my line? Caddy: See that single bunker?  Go straight for that.  Golfer:  But that's on the edge of the fairway.  Why are you telling me to hit it there?  Caddy:  No sir, that that target is right down the middle.  Golfer:  No it's not.  That's on the edge.  Me as I slowly turn my head:  What are you saying?  Golfer:  The caddy is giving me a line down the edge of the fairway  Me:  That's the middle.  What exactly are you looking at?  Golfer:  See the dark area and the light area?  Me:  Yes, that is how they cut the fairway.  The dark side is the cut that is coming towards you, the light away, but it's all fairway.  Golfer:  That's not the fairway.  They just cut it like the fairway.  At this point , the group realizes that our friend had been "seeing" the course this way for almost the entire round.  He was freaked out because he was trying to drive into the light half of the fairway.  None of us has ever really understood how this happened after the first hole, but it took us awhile to proceed we were laughing so hard.  As a note, he was seriously fined and hates this story.