Great Caddy One Liners

[Bill_McBride]

I was playing the 7th on Streamsong Blue, the par 3 over water.  Front left of the green there is a mound with deep, thick grass on top that resembles Don King's haircut.  Naturally I hook a shot over into that mess.   My caddy says, better hit a provisional, that's Lion grass.  Huh? I reply.  Yeah he says, anybody who says he found that ball is lyin.'

[Simon Holt]

Too many to mention that I witnessed while caddying but here are two from my caddy at Sebonack.

My caddy after I birdie 1 and 2, purely due to good reads from him.

"They call me the black Houdini.....'cos every read I give, the ball disappears!"  Houdini's powers disappeared on the back 9...as well as mine.

To my playing partner when he skulls on from the left hand-side of 11 green to the sound side...

Golfer: "S**t!!  So whats over there?"

My caddy, without missing a beat: "Double bogey"

Very funny.

[Lou_Duran]

A true story: after the second or third hole at my favorite course in the world, my two-bag carrying caddie, without even looking at me says , "you know Lou, you and I ain't  gonna get along if I have to keep chasing your divots all day long".

I remember that remark, Lou.  I think it was the 4th, actually, but I could be wrong.  Great day, nevertheless, regardless of the gormlessness of your caddy.

Rich

You're most likely right; I do know it was very early on in the round, normally when the caddies are still trying to develop some familiarity before addressing the client by his first name.  Of course, by then I already knew that he was a disabled Viet Nam vet suffering from PTSD and that caddying was his only job since returning from that terrible war.

You may also recall his refusal to give me distances or even the position of the pin.  Instead, he'd give me a club and tell me to either hit it, step on it, or ease up.  We started going sideways when we argued on 15, I wanted a wedge, he handed me a 9 and told me to hit it, and when I nailed it 20 yards over the green, he just walked away.  Then the fiasco on 16 (nice driver by the way).  But the man sure could read those greens! 

[Kevin_D]

At Stonewall, after a semi-bad shot:

"Well, she's fat, but she ain't obese"

[David Royer]

I'm walking down the fairway at Doonbeg and I say to the caddy, "I should have hit the 6".  He replies, "It's always clearer after the ditch".

[Jud_T]

Erin Hills,

I forget which hole.  The one that had the big uphill blind approach where they ended up softening the hill in the fairway so I believe it's no longer blind.  We have a pretty good match going which everyone's wagering on, including my caddie.  My opponent hits a putt that leaves him a tricky 4 foot slider for par to halve the hole, at which point my caddie says "a little more sh*t left in that diaper".  It's been in heavy rotation ever since.

[David Stewart]

My grandpa tells this story. I don't know what course he was playing, but it was a par 5 with water to carry for the green.

My grandpa to caddy: "Should I lay up?"

Caddy: "Sir, layups are for basketball."

[Terry Lavin]

Playing Butler one day with an unbelievably smug older caddie who basically bragged about how rich his family was and inferred that he was looping just to get some exposure to the lower classes.  I was playing like shit on a very difficult golf course, but managed to hit a decent drive on a somewhat blind, downhill hole.  "Where is it?," I asked him.  Not missing a beat, he says, "You'll never believe it, it's in the fairway," was his smug reply.  My comebacker, "You'll never believe it either, but you're done for the day, get the hell out of here and give your bag to one of these guys."

[Howard Riefs]

Kiawah Ocean Course. 3rd hole, a short par 4 that requires a drive over a marsh to a wide fairway.

Me to caddie:   “What’s my aiming point?”

Caddie:            “Right over that alligator.”  


Yes, dead-center at the foot of the fairway sat a 6-foot alligator. He soon moved off the fairway when we crossed over the marsh.

[Mark Smolens]

Howard, I guess it was nice of them to supply local wildlife as aiming points 

[Ken Moum]

A friend of mine who used to exclusively play a three wood off the tee, but always carried a dirver in has bag, swears that this happened in Scotland (Carnoustie, perhaps).

Somewhere on the first nine the caddy said "This hole is a driver, sir."  My friend said "I don't hit a driver."

Early on the back nine it happened again, with the caddy insisting that THIS hole was so long he HAD hit driver.  My friend repeated, "I don't hit driver."

Then on a long par four, into a Scottish breeze, the caddy almost demanded that he hit driver, and got the same response from my friend.

To which the caddy replied, "Awright then, sir, but what in bloody fooking hell have I been carrying it around for all day then?"

K

[Anthony Butler]

Played St. Andrews Old Course one day with a Japanese gentleman who hit into the Hell Bunker on 14. Before stepping into the bunker, he handed me a camera with the instructions to photograph him exiting the hazard with his next shot. Three shots later (all dutifully captured on film-this being pre-digital cameras, iPhones etc) he'd nudged it up close enough to the lip of the bunker to require a change in clubs from his caddy...

After handing him the lob wedge, the caddy walked back to me and said "Ye may want to give the camera a break, laddie... no doubt he'll want a few left for th' Swilcan Bridge..."

[Howard Riefs]

Howard, I guess it was nice of them to supply local wildlife as aiming points 

On that course, I'll take all the help I can get.

[Paul Jones]

Me - Any chance we are going to find that ball?

Caddie - Lassie couldn't find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon !!!

[Jeff Evagues]

Playing Butler one day with an unbelievably smug older caddie who basically bragged about how rich his family was and inferred that he was looping just to get some exposure to the lower classes.  I was playing like shit on a very difficult golf course, but managed to hit a decent drive on a somewhat blind, downhill hole.  "Where is it?," I asked him.  Not missing a beat, he says, "You'll never believe it, it's in the fairway," was his smug reply.  My comebacker, "You'll never believe it either, but you're done for the day, get the hell out of here and give your bag to one of these guys."

This was the best one I've read. Since these guys are presumably working for tips as well, shouldn't they at least pretend to like the people that are going to pay them?

[David_Elvins]

I don't have a story but I have always liked this joke.

The golfer is in Africa and decides to have a game. The pro says Ok but he has to take one of their caddies.

As they are getting ready the golfer notices the caddy put a rifle in the bag and asks what it is for. The caddy replies"Just a precaution sir".

Halfway down the second a lion comes racing out of the bushes,the caddy gets the rifle and shoots the lion dead. When the golfer asks what happended the caddy replies" Don't worry it's just a precaution sir".

They are on the 8th when a rhinocerous charges at the golfer and the caddy quickly shoots it dead. Again the same comments are made by the caddy as he casually puts the rifle back in the bag.

Finally on the 14th the golfer is putting out when a crocodile latches on to his leg and starts dragging him away. Quick as a flash he yells out to the caddy to grab the riflr and shoot the crocodile dead.

The caddy replies calmly " I'm sorry sir, you don't get a shot on this hole"

[archie_struthers]

 

From a friend who fondly lurks  ....

Great amateur Woody Platt goes to Augusta and is playing the fifth hole , a stout par four. His  caddy ,  a venerable looper and local resident gets to his ball and says he hit it right next to the drive Sam Snead hit just a day ago.  Feeling pretty good , Woody asks what  Mr Snead had hit to the green . His caddy answers five iron. Platt takes the five iron , pures it and comes up fifteen yards short . He then asks where Snead had hit his ball ., his caddy replies , " fifteen yards short"

[Ronald Montesano]

2d hand story but a friend was playing in Costa Rica, ignorent of Spanish as his looper was of English, trying to figure out what to hit on the first par 3 when his jock pipes up "Suave ocho,  suave ocho."

What is at all humorous about this? Smooth eight...let me in on the yoke.

[Mickey Boland]

One told to me by a friend and one happened to me.

Friend was in the Air Force and stationed in the Phillipines.  He was a pretty good golfer at the time.  The caddies would bet on their players, and my friend was not having a good day.  His caddy was grumbling at him the whole round.  Last hole was a par-5 and my friend striped his second shot onto the green.  He turned to the caddy and kind of flipped him the club and said "what do you think about that?"  Caddie replied "Too f***ing late".

This was told to me by my playing companion after the fact.  I was in Hell Bunker and had a wedge in my hand.  Went back and got a 9.  My friend's caddy turned to him and said "he'll be back for the other one."  And after driving my 9-iron into the face of the bunker he was right.

[Bill_McBride]

2d hand story but a friend was playing in Costa Rica, ignorent of Spanish as his looper was of English, trying to figure out what to hit on the first par 3 when his jock pipes up "Suave ocho,  suave ocho."

What is at all humorous about this? Smooth eight...let me in on the yoke.

I suspect you have never had a caddy with whom you didn't share a common language.  Lots of sign language. 

[Mark Pearce]

I'm sure it's an apocryphal story but I like this one.  Dean Jones (a star batsman in the Australian cricket team of the time) was playing a dogleg par 4.

Caddie:  When Bradman (the greatest batsman of all time) played this hole, he drove it over the corner and reached the green.

Jones:  OK.  Driver please.

Caddie hands Jones his driver and Jones goes to hit over the corner and strikes the ball well.  Jones was a fearsome striker of a cricket ball, so I imagine he hit a golf ball pretty well.  However well the ball was struck, however, it hit the firs on the corner of the hole.

Caddie:  Of course, those trees weren't there back then.....

[Mike_Clayton]

NZ Airlines tournament 1988 Titirangi
Peter Fowler's 20yo sister in law is caddying for me - first time she had ever caddied.
3rd round 13th hole I have an steeply uphill shot off a downhill lie to a two-tiered green - where the first two days I had left it on the bottom level and 3 putted.
I have no clue what club to hit and haven't asked her a thing all week.
'What do you think - 4 or 5?'
'Which one goes further?'
'The 4 does'
'Well you had better hit the 4 and get up that effing hill'

We finished 2nd in the NZ Open the next week at Paraparaumu.

Dutch Open late 80s Ossie Moore and I are playing together in 3rd round. We both play horribly on the front 9. Steve Williams is caddying for me. As we walk past the pro-shop to the 10th tee at Kennemer he says 'you blokes ought to go in there and pay your green fees'

[Mark Chaplin]

Mike what did your caddie say, if anything, on 18 RM after you took the dive?

[Mike_Clayton]

Mark

NSW 14 - can't remember. Can't even remember who was caddying. Whatever - he had the weekend off.

[Matthew Mollica]

Playing Carnoustie, I had a caddy named Bob. Gave me a good read on 3 and I left the 10 foot birdie putt an inch short yet right in the heart, at which time he referred to my putt as a Mexican putt. I asked why and he said - "It needed one more revolution".

Later in the day, I was surveying my own par putt on 16. I looked from the back, side, and over the ball. I decided to putt at the hole, and took my stance. The caddy then said - "It's a Rock Hudson putt - looks straight but isn't".

MM