[ed_getka]

I was out at Bandon Dunes years ago for the opening of Pacific Dunes or Old Mc. I was playing some of the absolute worst golf of my life and was seriously thinking of getting rid of my clubs. I asked my caddy if he knew anyone who might want some nice Wilson Staff blades. He said he didn't but that I "should mention the virgin sweet spots" in my ad. I laughed my ass off and played well (for me) the next 2 days. That line wouldn't work for everyone, but it was the absolutely perfect thing to say to me.

[Michael Morandi]

That’s a great one, Ed


I have a line that I pulled on my caddie years ago. Final hole at Secession. Need to make an 8 footer to win the match and the money. My caddie was fine but not brilliant.  I asked him for the read. He said straight. My response” Do you really think it’s straight or are you just hedging knowing you could always say I pushed  or pulled it?” He smiled. I pulled or pushed it.

[Daryl David]

One of my favorite golf friends looked at a hole in Scotland from the tee. He said to the caddy, “Looks like there is shit to the left”. Caddy replied, “Aye, there is shit to the left’.  Then my buddy said, “Looks like there is shit to the right”. The caddy said, “Aye, there is shit to the right, there is shit everywhere, just hit the bloody ball!”

[Greg Tallman]

Good one from long ago. Play in the West Virginia Amateur at The Greenbrier (Old White) first round. 70ish year old caddy, Earl, proceeds to empty my bag of rain gear, umbrella and whatever else I had in the bag and hand to my dad waking down first fairway.


Play the first few holes well, under par, and arrive at 4 which I recall was a Biarritz. I finally asked Earl his read on a putt “do you know the greens well?” … he points to my dad carrying my excess baggage and retorts “about time ya ask, I’ve been reading greens here since he (pointing to my dad) was diapers”… I listened to him for the next 68 holes and we had a nice finish.

[Tom Bacsanyi]

I was playing in Jamaica, there was a hole that wrapped right to left around a big hillside, and a pond not visible on the left of the green. I overcooked a draw round the hill. I asked my caddy if it was gonna be playable and he said "ya mon, if you got scuba gear."

[Ian Mackenzie]

That’s a great one, Ed


I have a line that I pulled on my caddie years ago. Final hole at Secession. Need to make an 8 footer to win the match and the money. My caddie was fine but not brilliant.  I asked him for the read. He said straight. My response” Do you really think it’s straight or are you just hedging knowing you could always say I pushed  or pulled it?” He smiled. I pulled or pushed it.

Another caddie line from Secession.


We were down there with a group from my home club including our pro and 1st assistant.
1st assistant was having a tough day and his caddy, a burly Scot, noticed finally he had his name on his bag so he querried,


"Justin, what is it that you do?"


asst replies, "I'm the 1st assisyant golf professional at XYZ Club."


"Huh", grunts the caddy, "You must be really fucking good at folding shirts!"

[Charlie Goerges]

"You must be really fucking good at folding shirts!"

Honestly, without context, that feels a bit too far. Maybe it was fine in the moment.

[Jeff_Brauer]

I was out at Bandon Dunes years ago for the opening of Pacific Dunes or Old Mc. I was playing some of the absolute worst golf of my life and was seriously thinking of getting rid of my clubs. I asked my caddy if he knew anyone who might want some nice Wilson Staff blades. He said he didn't but that I "should mention the virgin sweet spots" in my ad. I laughed my ass off and played well (for me) the next 2 days. That line wouldn't work for everyone, but it was the absolutely perfect thing to say to me.

On the first tee of Bandon, I hit my tee shot wide and the caddie says, "You don't need a caddy, you need a sherpa."

[mike_malone]

Late 90’s at Portstewart with teenage caddy and I hit a three wood about 30 yards in the air that rolls out to 200 yards before stopping.


  “That’s an OJ”. “ Got away with it”.


The OJ trial had international interest.

[Ian Mackenzie]

"You must be really fucking good at folding shirts!"

Honestly, without context, that feels a bit too far. Maybe it was fine in the moment.

Oh, for f--k's sake, man, it was hilarious and everyone lost it. Pro took it in stride and knew he deserved it. We had so much fun with the caddies.


OK, here's another for you that takes into consideration your sensitivities:


Playing at Royal Troon in 1990 with the same caddies who followed us from Prestwick and Turnberry.


On the 2nd or 3rd hole with wind in the face on a daunting 450 yard par 4 and we were all making comments about the task at hand, Donald (my caddy), an affable chap well into his 60's, said matter of factly:


"Tough hole, will take 3 good shots to get home in 2 today."


Better?

[Peter Sayegh]

Pinehurst #4.
Paired with a young buck who could really mash it. The longest hitter I've ever played alongside.
After we tee off #17, my caddie says, "That's where they're putting in the new Wal-Mart."
Bewildered, I look across Morganton Rd. and ask where the hell are they building it.
"Between his tee shot and yours."

[Charlie Goerges]

"You must be really fucking good at folding shirts!"

Honestly, without context, that feels a bit too far. Maybe it was fine in the moment.

Oh, for f--k's sake, man, it was hilarious and everyone lost it. Pro took it in stride and knew he deserved it. We had so much fun with the caddies.


OK, here's another for you that takes into consideration your sensitivities:


Playing at Royal Troon in 1990 with the same caddies who followed us from Prestwick and Turnberry.


On the 2nd or 3rd hole with wind in the face on a daunting 450 yard par 4 and we were all making comments about the task at hand, Donald (my caddy), an affable chap well into his 60's, said matter of factly:


"Tough hole, will take 3 good shots to get home in 2 today."


Better?

Sorry, I'm a little sensitive sometimes about how assistant pros are treated, especially about their playing abilities. I'm sure I over-reacted. My apologies.

[Carl Johnson]

I used Archie's initial post years ago.  My four ball friends hadn't heard it before and thought it was original.  I didn't disabuse them.  Thanks Archie.

[Niall C]

Carl


A lot of these one-liners are old chestnuts and you don't need to be a caddy to tell them.


Niall

[cary lichtenstein]

Great thread

[V. Kmetz]

From over 40+ years as a caddie and caddiemaster, I have some contributions...from me, from others and the general pageant...


At Fisher's Eden 11th, I have a blind greenside pitch 30 yards up the volcano slope across a ripping wind, basically hitting into clouds with the ocean indefinitely beyond...I make decent go of it, but have no idea if it's any good...My opponent makes no reaction whatsoever, so I shrug my shoulders and yell up to my partner who's watching it all from the fringe atop the action: "How is it?"

He shouts back through the wind: "It's like anal sex with his wife; it's tight and you're going to love it!"

• a "Hitler"  - two shots in the bunker
• "Saddam Hussein" - from bunker to bunker
• a "mother in law" - looked good leaving
• burned edge of the cup? - "'Junior Prom' - all lip, no hole"

Used this many times, but invariably it is the everyday flawed golfer who's incredulous at why he's fucking up, off his game and losing his tournament match. After a little bit of this, I'll often ask him to recall a round in the memory banks of previous tournaments, prompting: "Who won this tournament two years ago?"...When he invariably replies "I don't remember"...I snap: "Well they're going to forget this year's winner too."


When I was a teenager, 40 years ago, at the club I cut my teeth, a large group of older established members representing the best loops wanted you to cheat.  Between AC junkets, bookie bets, gin games and golf, they were degenerate gamblers (at whatever level degeneracy was in the 1980s) and most everyday game at the club had a little sizzle to it.  If you got caught, you'd probably be thrown under the bus, but with all the trees and shit then, it wasn't that hard to kick, toss, scoop or set up the occasional errant shot with a bullshit story and without getting caught. 

One time, on the 6th hole, all four players drove near this blind creek in the right rough...between the last hitter and the time they arrived in their carts, I had about 1m45s to locate and fix all four, two of which were in the water itself...You should've seen me, sprinting with the flight of the last shot down to the crick, laying down and pulling both out with great lies and an opening through the trees, kicking another into the first cut along the fairway... except I forgot the fourth guy whose ball was stymied in the crotch of a tree on the far side of the creek. 

When they got there, he was outraged that everybody else was set up and he was fucked...he called every caddie there, "Tiger"...he looks at his ball and bellows to me, "What the fuck is up with this Tiger? Is my money no good?"... It was one of my first times with that loop and I was a nervous 15 year old wanting to measure up; the only thing I could think to say was "You should've seen where it was." 

He and they fell out of the carts laughing.


A stock line for the player who makes a long "whipped cream on shit" putt for 6 to conclude an army golf hole: "Cheer up, it's like you drove the green and five-putted."


In the 2002 Met Open at WFW, I had my regular local pro and we started on the famous 10th.  He had enjoyed a great season up to that point, low local Q for the Open, some Top 5s, but warming up and before teeing off, he complained of being tense and tight.  Sure enough he flared his opening 6 iron into the yawning right bunker...and proceeded to blade his sand shot OB behind the green...two out, three drop, four on the green, 3 putts = Quad 7...he's shell shocked. As we're walking up to the 11th tee box, I tap him and with a cheery grin, say: "Bet you're loose now."


More bubbling...perhaps in a bit.

[Garland Bayley]

Best keep this thread, if only to preserve Kalen's claim to love dry British humor, and yet not get Marty's comment on Kalen's call for preservation.

[Ian Mackenzie]

OK, I have another one...


Playing Pinehurst #2 in May of 2021 and we had a great group of loopers.
I'm playing well and, on the 5th or 6th hole (I forget now), I was stalking a 22' birdie putt.


Boy, was it ever a good putt. It was curling to the hole and appeared to be heading dead center when it hit the left lip, almost went halkway in, but pace kept it out and it finished 2 feet away. My caddy then exclaimed with perfect timing:


"Oh, man, she had it in her mouth then daddy walked in!"


Ive since heard that one a ton....

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