Best caddie one liner or anecdote

[JNC Lyon]

My favorite story yet was Adam Clayman's Pebble Beach story.  That is very typical of cheap golfers, and I have seen it a few times during my experience as a caddy.

[Lenny Polakoff]

About 15 years ago when i was a PGA professional, i was playing in a Pro-Lady at a club on Long Island. 

Our D player proceeds to take 5 wacks at a putt, either leaving it 15' short or jamming it 15' by.  All the while, not losing her turn. 

Finally on the 6th attempt she nestles it up there about 2' and makes a move to mark her ball.  One of the caddies in our group tells her "I wouldn't mark that, If I were you I'd hit it while I'm hot".  Needless to say, it much funnier at the time and the way it was said. 

[Jordan Wall]

Adam,

Marty is a great guy and I was amazed to see someone that age still looping.

On the 18th at Cypress, one of my first rounds looping, a gentlemen is on his knees just right of the green playing a chip shot from under a tree.  He exclaims "heads up boys, I don't know where this one is going"

To which Saint, his caddy, responds "not you sir, you keep your head down".

Classic.

Cheers,
Jordan

[Jed Rammell]

A few years ago, I'm playing in a local amateur tourney, and have hit the ball in the trees on the 18th hole. I'm trying to explain to my little brother (who was caddying for me) how I am going to carve the ball through the trees and on to the green. He replies, "I've followed you for 17 holes. You suck - chip out."

[Cristian]

Caddie at RPR hands me the putter after I hit a 4iron to the 7th green from 200 yds out. I say: that's a good feeling to be handed the putter at this distance from the green. Caddie replies: "The second best feeling in the world".

[Paul Jones]

We were at Turnberry and my friend ask the caddie if there was any chance of finding that ball. 

The caddie replied, "Lassie could not find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon."

[David Nelson]

After being rather peed off at pushing my 5 iron to right side of the 8th green at the TOC a good 60 yds from the flag. My caddie piped " Yer all right son yer on the dance floor, Ye just cant hear the music"

[Jeff Shelman]

Playing at a high-buck private with adult caddies, I have a downhill, right-to-left putt.

My caddie says, "Play it a cup outside right, a big cup. You know, a D cup."

I laughed. Putt went in.

[Greg Tallman]

20+ yeasr ago playing in the West Virginia Amateur at The Greenbrier. 74 year old caddy named Earl. During the first round with father follwong I am playing along nicely then encounter a putt I do not know what to make of on the fifth hole Old White. I ask Earl "Do you know how to read these greens Earl?" to which he responds "I've been caddying here since well before your dad over there was born son and after watching the previous holes I'd say it's a god thing you finally asked."

Same tournament following a third round 75 to drop from 2nd to bottom of top 10 and several shots out we approach the scoreboard area and another caddy asks Earl "How'd you do?" and Earl offers up (while standing beside me) "No good, we're done, going out early tomorrow"

[Jim Tang]

Back in college I caddied at a mid-level club in the Chicagoland area.  The 3rd hole was a very narrow par 4 that was heavily wooded on either side of the landing area.  It was common for many golf balls to get hammered into the woods and never be seen again.  When groups got on the tee they usually sent a caddie ahead to watch tee shots from the landing area.  After some time, the club outlawed this practice becasue it was deemed too dangerous, since a couple of caddies had close calls with getting beaned, and the club was worried about getting sued.

Well, one day the group I was in had 4 members and 4 caddies.  One of the members had his son on the bag.  The member told his son to go down to the landing area and spot balls.  The son, rightly so, said, "Dad, the club doesn't want us down there anymore."

Of course, the dad pulled out the "I'm your father and I say go down there" card, so off the young lad went to sit along the treeline on the right side of the hole.  Three balls ended up in the fairway.  The fourth, the dad member's ball, went screaming along the treeline on the right.

The hole sloped downward a bit so the landing area could not be seen from the tee.  The group, and now 3 caddies, walked down to the landing area.  When we got down there, sure enough, there lay the son caddie knocked out cold by his father's wayward drive, massive welt on his forehead, bag by his side, golf ball not 20 feet away.

[Mac Plumart]

The best line I've heard on a golf course was not uttered by a caddy, but by Joel Zuckerman.  I had just smacked my drive right down the middle, then hit the green in regulation, and I am eyeing birdie.  Then I promptly putted the ball WAY to hard and off the back of the green.  Joel says;

 "On in two, off in three." 

Classic!

[Dick Kirkpatrick]

Pinehurst # 2 back in about '74 our foursome had 2 caddies carrying double.
One of them was 77 years old, his name was Charlie and he had been at Pinehurst since Ross was a teenager.
On about the third hole, Charlie told us that his wife was pregnant, We all broke up and I told Charlie he was a good guy and had a lot of friends, and he came right back and says "I can still get the job done myself sir" I don't need the milkman helping me, and we all had a good laugh. I told Charlie I was buying him a beer after 9 and he said, all you can buy us is Caddie specials, a hot dog and a beer.
I told him I would buy them all a hot dog and a beer and also promised that while we were eating our hot dogs, we would not be watching anyone taking anything from our coolers. It was a great day and was culminated on the 18th, when my friend, a high handicapper, finally "caught one" off the tee and when we got to his drive he said to Charlie, what should I hit, and without a pause Charlie said "sir, I don't think it really matters" We talked about that one liner for years.

[Ted Cahill]

I was at Bandon last year.  Hit my 20 foot putt for birdie to the very edge of the hole, where it stopped.  My caddie delcares- "That's a South American!"  Confused, I ask why- he replies, "It just needed one more revolution"

[Jay Kirkpatrick]

This wasn't a caddy comment but it sounds like one.  One of the guys I've played a lot of golf with throughout the years had just retired.  He has one of the most "unusual" (as in awful) swings you've ever seen, and despite playing a lot his entire life, hasn't been able to get his handicap into the single digits.  After his first round post-retirement, we're sitting in the bar having a post-round cocktail with a big group when he chimes in, "Now that I'm finally retired, I'm dedicated to taking lessons from (teaching pro) and getting my handicap into single digits."  Without skipping a beat, one of the guys in the group said, "If I were you, I'd get an estimate."

Another favorite of mine... after bashing a putt past the hole by a big margin, a good Scottish buddy of mine is fond of saying "every putt's straight if you hit it hard enough."

[Mike McGuire]

We had a group at Prestwick in Scotland a few years ago.

One of our guys was using his laser rangefinder on the first four holes testing out the caddies yardages.

When we got to the fifth hole, the himalayas, which is a blind par four over a mountain, our guy asked the caddie for a yardage.

"Why don't you ask your machine, Superman ? " was the reply.

[Joe Fairey]

Not a one-liner, but true story......in the summer of 2006, myself, Doug Spets, Shane Bacon, Matt Foechick, and Will Froelich
were in St Andrews caddying at TOC(one of the best summers in my life)...normal caddie was pay 60 pounds+/-...but you had to pay the caddiemaster 5 pounds/day just for the right to work (what a deal for the caddie house)...anyway, Will was out one day with a lady, and after finishing 18 at TOC, the caddies always moved to the parking lot at the R & A clubhouse to "settle-up"...Will, being the gentleman he is, accepted a '50 pound note',(he thought) thanked his player, and departed for lunch in town....when he attempted to pay for his lunch, he discovered that he had been paid 50 ' something', but it was not a 50 pound note....if fact no one at the restaurant knew what he had...only a stop at the currency exchange could solve the mystery....50 Russian 'rubles'...worth a little over 1 pound(about $1.60)...and he paid the caddiemaster 5 pounds($8.00) for the priviledge......

when word started getting around, many caddies starting telling the 'rubles' story to their players.....especially when the round was coming to close and they knew that 'caddie pay' would be on the player's mind....only most substituted '100 rubles for ''50 rubles'...just so the players would know it was OK to come off the hip with a little more cash.....believe it or not, it worked a lot....

[David Botimer]

Just heard this story on the golf course today.  Player at private club has a young caddie who is looping for one of his first ever.  Player hits ball and upon arriving at the ball in the fairway asks the caddie "how far are we?".  Caddie looks back at the tee, then to the green and responds, "about half way"!

[Will Peterson]

I was playing in a US Am qualifier and had a high school kid caddying for me.  He had caddied in a few other events that summer, so I had gotten to know him a bit.  The first three times he caddied he did not say much, but by this event he was starting to talk a bit.  I had hit a couple of very poor 3 woods that day.  On a par 5 I was in the center of the fairway about 265 out.  I said, "A 3 wood to to just short," and he agreed.  I proceeded to hit a nice shot leaving it about 15 yards short of the green with an easy pitch to a back pin. 

He turns and says, "Where did it go?"

"Its right in front like we planned."

"Oh good, I just shut my eyes and prayed on that one."

[Tim Johnson]

The "wrapped in bacon" line is a common one. First heard it in Royal Dornoch in 99 and then again at Lahinch in 04. Not so funny the 2nd time around. I have heard it many times playing in Canada with buddies but without the true accent, it is nothing. I wish I could remember all the one liners my caddie at RCD had when he was retelling stories of looping for the touring pros, they were classics. Stories to be learned, I dont care how good you think you are.....always listen to your caddy when in Ireland/Scotland.

Just remembered one from Western Gailles, one of the caddies had enjoyed the previous nights drinking as much as I had. In an effort to quit smoking, a bad idea when playing links golf for the first time, I had taken to smoking Scottish cigarillos(forget the brand). I pulled one out on the back nine and the caddie, who was sweating out last nights booze, asked I he could have one. I asked him if he smoked cigarillos and he replied "I'll smoke anything". The way he answered had me in stiches.

[Jason Topp]

Semi Finals of our season long fourball match play tournament.  We had started late in the day and our match went into extra holes making darkness an issue.  On the 20th I hit a wide right tee ball into a grove of pine trees.  I hit a great punch shot on the green, grabbed my putter and walked to the green.  We won the match on the green and started to walk back to the clubhouse.  I asked my caddie "where is my bag?"  He had no idea.  We walked back to the green and it was nowhere to be found.

It turned out he left it in the trees.  It took us longer than one might think to find it in the dark.

[Ralph Thompson]

John Garrity told me this one.

An American at Carne in Ireland took a massive swing with his driver on the first tee and hit a terrible hook. He then looked at his driver as if it was to blame. His caddie then said " there is a piece of shit attached to the end of the club Sir" When the player lifted his club to study the head for the offending attachment the caddie then retorted " No Sir the other end!"

[jonathan_becker]

Ralph,

It takes some balls for a caddie to say that on the first tee!! 

[Simon Holt]

Just thought of another.

Guy is playing his second shot into 17 at TOC, flag is at the front and the caddy (now dead, RIP) tells him to aim straight at the flag.  The golfer asks 'the one on the green?' to which Shug replies 'well not the one on the Russacks f****** hotel!'


Dont even get me started on the caddy signals to other caddy groups refering to the standard of golfers or the pay expected.

A few code phrases to look out for in reference to what they thought would get paid back in the early part of the decade-

Colt- as in 45
Hawaii- as in 5 0
Heavenly Decade- as in 60s

There was also a spell when all those subliminal messaging guys were on TV here in the UK.  The caddies decided to try it on the golfers so anywhere between 145 and 170 was 160 with an emphasis on the 60.  On a windy day distances rarely matter for most golfers anyway.  It then went to the next step of a caddy running ahead and marking '60' in the famous bunkers that they knew clients would want to look in........it didn't work.

[Justin Broderson]

At RCD

"It's a torn pajama putt"

What the hell is a torn pajama putt?

"One ball on the outside"

[Bill_McBride]

We had a group at Prestwick in Scotland a few years ago.

One of our guys was using his laser rangefinder on the first four holes testing out the caddies yardages.

When we got to the fifth hole, the himalayas, which is a blind par four over a mountain, our guy asked the caddie for a yardage.

"Why don't you ask your machine, Superman ? " was the reply.

And that caddie's name was................................Melvyn?