Best caddie one liner or anecdote

[Tim Martin]

I received an invite a number of years ago to play at a club in Westchester County, New York with an old college friend and his two brothers. After hitting two good shots to the short par four 1st hole my friend three jacks from about ten feet. As we are walking off the green the caddie says "Sir-you know that three putting is a lot like jerking off because you feel real bad about it but you know you are gonna do it again". Roars of laughter and the start of a great day.

[jonathan_becker]

Not me, but a friend of mine playing at Pine Valley trying to read a putt.

Player: What do you think?

Caddie: It's obviously left edge.

Player: Really? I think it's right edge.

Caddie: I like that.

 

[Jeff_Brauer]

Pine Valley -

Caddy gives signals at first tee -

The safe sign (from baseball) means safe, the out sign means out of bound.  And when I do this (a vulgur semi hump action) it means "you are behind the effen tree!"

From St. Andrews, after watching a hapless golfer hit one OB over 1 fw from 18 tee.....

"I never saw that before, but then again, I have only looped here for 45 years"

[Adam Clayman]

Best of all time has to be Marty Larkin's at CPC when some big shot former Baseball player came to the first tee. Immediately, probably during introductions, the Ball player says to Marty " I don't want anything out of you all day except yardages." For those who don't know, Marty has been a caddy at CPC forever. He's in his 80's and is still going. So they are going along and everything is fine until they get on the ninth green. The player is sizing up his putt and turns to Marty and asks him "What do you think". Marty, somewhat surprised, starts to stalk the putt from every angle. When he's finally done looking at the putt he turns to the player and says "22 feet". The guy immediately says " No No, which way is it going to break?" Marty, of course knew exactly how it would break, but, told the guy the wrong read and he proceeded to putt it off the green.

Now for some of you who want to get your dander up over what Marty did, save your breath. The jerk deserved it. Besides, the anecdote has been the source of substantial yucks for a long time.

The next best was 12 years ago on the first at Pebble. Two separate twosomes. One of the two twosomes has hired a forecadie. Then the caddymaster asks the other twosome if they like to take advantage of the cady services, the caddy master tells them the rate is $45 a bag or $22.50 for the forecaddie. They decline the service. Now, they are ready to hit their shots and one of the guys who just turned down his services turns to the caddy and asks "how far is it to that bunker?" The caddies response?.... "$22.50." The caddymaster couldn't control his burst of laughter.

[Bob_Huntley]

Rocky at Pine Valley, looping for two Japanese guests. One a very good player, the other not so good.

Comes the 14th hole. Rocky gives the good player a four iron. He hits it a mile over the back of the green. The player says "Wrong club." Rocky replies, "Wrong Jap."

Rocky is suspended for two weeks.


Bob

[Bob_Huntley]

Another oldie from TOC.

An American on his first visit to the Old Course had taken a zillion strokes but on the 18th he scalffed his third shot into the hole for a birdie.


He turned to his poor benighted caddie and proffered that '"Golf is sure a funny game." Old Dave reponded with the classic line, ' Ay sor, but it is not meant to be."


Bob

[John_Conley]

Some of the funniest are jokes.  Here's one:  A player says, "you are the worst caddy in the world!"  The reply?  "Impossible.  That would be too much of a coincidence."

A lady once asked me where her ball was on the second hole.  "You're over the hill," I deadpanned.  Whoops!  Good thing she laughed about it.

[V. Kmetz]

It's bad form to be biographical in such a thread, but being a Caddie and Caddiemaster in the Met area has been a lifelong trade.

Here are a few that come mind:

1. Golfer comes to ball stymied in the crotch of a tree, looks at the Caddie angrily and asks, "Is this the best you could do?"

Caddie answers, "You shoulda seen where it was."

2.  In the 2002 Met Open at WFW my assigned pro starts the tournament off the famous Par 3 10th.  He's a young asst. pro and in his first big local tournament; he's nervous as shit.  A few of his members are watching him and his head pro is in the group behind us. He puts his 5 iron in the big right bunker, then blades his recovery dead out of bounds behind the green, drops into a hole, leaves two in the trap (who can blame him) out in "6" and three putts for a sextuple bogey "9."  He looks to me for solace. I say...

"I'll bet your loose now"

3.  Club members and their guests are very aware of the wagering that goes on between Caddies on the outcome of the matches.  They don't, however, always know our sophisticated gambling rubric. Even though they can inure who's winning or losing, they frequently inquire as to how they are performing for your wager with your opposing Caddie, more than a little worried that perhaps you're cutthroat enough to sabotage them.  One time, a great friend and long-time player of mine, Dick Dexter, dribbled his opening tee shot and saw me receiving money from the opposing Caddie.  As he teed up and addressed his mulligan, he paused and looked over at me and asked with mock disgust, "Have things got so bad that now you abandon me before a shot is even played, you disloyal SOB?"

I answered, "No, you got it all wrong.  He was betting you'd miss it altogether."

The tee box roared with laughter.  When it quieted and DD addressed the mulligan, i waited until the last possible moment before he swung the club to say...

"You wanna know the odds on this one?"

[Martin Toal]

Another one attributed to a St Andrews caddy:

American golfer "Say, buddy, can I get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, sir"

[Jason Sills]

I was playing at Nirwana a few weeks back and proceeded to hit a shot down the right side of the hole off the tee.  The caddy said "maybe rough, maybe rice paddy."

[Simon Holt]

I have too many of these to write- if I had any skill I might actually write a book of caddy quotes!

One of my favourites has been told many times but when I younger caddying on TOC one of the RnA gents turned to his playing partner on a beautiful St. Andrews day in May and uttered 'I wonder what the poor people are doing today?' to which his caddy replied 'carrying your f*****g bag sir!'

I heard it there and then.  I held off laughing until all the RnA chaps did.  Heard it replicated many times so I am sure it is a caddy classic used worldwide- sometimes there is only one way to reply to s statement!

[Scott Warren]

One I heard at TOC last summer on the other side of the double green I was on (me on 15, then on 3 IIRC):

American golfer after blading a 60* wedge over the green: Oh man!! This ain't fair.
50+ year old caddy, exhaling heaily: Aye sah, but golf's nae meant to be fair.

[Jason Topp]

This thread had some interesting stories:


http://golfclubatlas.com/forum/index.php/topic,16283.0/

[jonathan_becker]

Another one this time from Stone Eagle.  Ned the forecaddie helping my brother Hank read a putt.

Hank:  Ned, this looks pretty quick.

Ned:  Hank, this putt is slicker than jizz on a gold tooth.

Ned was quite the character.

[PCCraig]

Rocky at Pine Valley, looping for two Japanese guests. One a very good player, the other not so good.

Comes the 14th hole. Rocky gives the good player a four iron. He hits it a mile over the back of the green. The player says "Wrong club." Rocky replies, "Wrong Jap."

Rocky is suspended for two weeks.


Bob

Bob-

I've heard that story as well...pretty funny in it's full context!

[Scott Warren]

I like what Mike Benham said to the caddy at CPC along the lines of "you've still never raked the back bunker" after the caddy said on the tee that he never saw a player in there and "had never had to rake it", before Mike knocked it in and did his own raking (full story in Kevin Pallier's Last Frontier thread, that's from memory)

[PCCraig]

When I was in College I used to caddy in a weekend group that consisted of some serious big money gambling games (including the personally never before seen car key throw down on the 18th tee, which resulted in an easily $100k car title being transferred   ). There were two or three regular guys, but a bunch of different people would roll through, and with one of the regular's sons being a professional sports agent a few Chicago athletes would stop by to play.

This group would always ride, but they would have two caddies with them to forecaddie, one on each side of the fairway. They paid incredibly well but high pressure would be putting it lightly as if a caddy lost a ball he would be chewed out pretty well. (This happened more often than not as most holes were lined on both sides with tall "fescue" grass that in the summer would swallow balls).

Anyway, one of the regular Chicago athletes was a strong supporting player the Chicago Bulls when Jordan won his last three NBA titles. He's a lefty golfer, swings as hard as he can, has the balance over a golf ball of a 30 handicapper, but holds maybe an 8 handicap because his hand-eye is incredible and still manages to make contact while falling all over the place.

One day while the Chicago Bull was playing the group he hits his second shot on a long par 4 off the end of the world into a huge area of fescue. While the other caddy and I are looking for the ball with the player, I ask again what kind of ball he was using to which he replies in a deep eastern European accent while hovering over me: "It's a Titleist 7, with a smiley face on the side...but I think it's frowning now"  

I replied, "well if you keep hitting it in this rough you may want to invest in some yellow 7's with smiley faces on the sides."  



....he didn't think that was funny.

 

[Dan Boerger]

Another Pine Valley caddie story I heard ...

Player gets to 14th tee box. Caddie gives him a 5 iron. Player gives it back and asks for a 6 iron. Caddie strongly recommends a 5 iron will be needed. Player decides on 6 iron. Caddie leans down to the ball and says "take a deep breath". Player puts the ball in the water.

[jonathan_becker]

Pat,

Let me guess....you caddied for the Croatian Sensation?   

[bstark]

  From the Great Irish Lad Dave K....

 Player: (confident to the point of cocky) So whadya think Dave....about 6 inches out kiddo?

 Dave K: (after much contemplation back and forth over the read) Well, it depends on what your defintion of 6 inches is...........

[Jud_T]

3 personal anecdotes:

1.    On our first trip to Ireland a few years back we got off the redeye and proceeded directly to Baltray.  My caddy was an elderly gentleman who was white as a ghost from the previous evening's overindulgence.  After spying my flask of scotch, one of the other caddies suggested that I offer up a shot to Old Jim or he may not make it around.  Well after a couple of  belts, Old Jim came round to asking where else we'd be playing on our trip.  I told him we'd be playing RCD, the Island, the European club and finally Portmarnock.   He sighed and in a heavy brogue said " Aye, Portmarnock, it's a dogtrack"  (pronounced dawgtraaccccchhht).  So now, we refer to any number of courses good and bad with this moniker...

2.  A few years ago, I had a fantastic caddy at Erin Hills.  This kid was a very strong player in his own right and could read greens about as well as anyone I've ever seen.  Well of course we had a bit of money riding on the match.  We were on 15 green and I was 1 up at the time.  My opponent had left himself a very tricky 3 foot downhill slider to tie the match and his caddy was somewhat less than excelllent at green reading, particularly in contrast to my guy.  Upon seeing the gravity of the situation and my opponent's trepidation as he lined up his putt, my caddy says, with perfect comic timing, "There's a little bit of sh*t left in that diaper"...

3.  Perhaps not entirely in the context of the thread, but worth relating:

At my former club I showed up on the first tee with a guest for an early start, I think we may have been the first off that day.  The caddymaster promptly sent out our caddy.  This teenage kid shows up looking literally green.  It appeared that he was in the throws of his first experience with a hangover, and it was a doozy.  We hit our drives off the first tee.  As we were walking down the fairway, we noticed the caddy had set the bags down and headed over to the high grass near the left edge of the hole.  We thought this was odd as both of us had hit good drives that were clearly visible in the fairway.  The utterance that followed from the left rough was the caddy upchucking a frankly impressive amount of vomit from the previous evening's festivities.  The upshot of the story was that the kid couldn't go on and was never seen around the club again....

[Chris Buie]

A touring pro was playing a course for the first time.  As it happened Arnold Palmer had played the course the day before with the same caddy.  On the tee of a par-3 over water the pro said to the caddy "well, I hit it about the same distance as Palmer...what did he hit yesterday?"  The caddy says "5-iron, sir."  The pro hits a good 5-iron and it goes into the drink just short of the green.  The pro says "I thought you said Arnie hit a 5-iron?"  The caddy says "oh, he did sir...and he hit it in the exact same place you did."

[Mark Chaplin]

5th green at Pine Valley - our host has a tricky 4 footer for a half, the caddie pipes up with "guests who wish to play Pine Valley again usually concede these putts". He'd clearly forgotten the member pitching in from 60 yards on the first so didn't need the caddies help!.

[PCCraig]

Pat,

Let me guess....you caddied for the Croatian Sensation?   

 

[Bill Brightly]

I'm playing a match at me home course, 10th hole, reachable par 5. I hit an excellent drive, decide to go for the green in two. I catch it really thin, but also really good, the kind of that stays low but rolls forever, ya know what I mean? It is perfectly straight, and will carry the swale in the air either end up on the green or a few feet short, I just know it...

But what I failed to see was a little plastic sign, maybe 10 inches wide and 6 inches high, 40  yards in front of me,  that was stuck in the fairway to keep carts away from recent repairs to a broker sprinkler line. The sign is held in the ground on two skinny metals supports. Well, my ball hits the perfect center of the sign...bends it back a few inches...then recoils the ball right back at me with great force and stops 20 yards BEHIND me...

The caddies know that I have a bit of a temper, and I look at them increduosly, running through the rules in my mind...perhaps ready to explode, when one of the caddies says: "sacked for a loss, sir" and which point the other caddie can't hold it in any longer and drops his bags and goes to his knees laughing...and then the whole group, including me, joined in.