I'll echo the sentiments of Dick Daley that my opinions have not changed much in the last 12 years, especially watching the dilution of my home base by a conga-ling of 30-something, cigar smoking, hubris-infested money changers; nothing was ever the same after the government slithered into our door and I see no hope cleansing our temple of blowfish who have no clue the difference between an intimate golfing enclave and an overblown, CCFAD factory. Thank gawd most of them refuse to play the Ocean Course.
Santa Gib is keeping a list of whose been naughty and nice; let me assure you there will be no clown boys allowed at Redan Hills. If you're going to trumpet the need to grow the game, be careful which orifice you shove the mouthpiece into. I recall a "When Golf Was Good" thread many years ago and the older I get the more tearfully I recall the good old days.
The one thing I would change from the previous era was the level of racial and religious prejudice, of which there would be none at Redan Hills. Donald Sterling may have been set up by a whore and I hope for the sake of America he is not forced to sell his team, but he's also not getting into my club under any circumstances under the "no assholes" rule. Trump is out too. I may admire his determination, moxie and chutzpah, but not in my grill room.
Come to think of it, the best teacher by 100 miles at my club is a black dude who I've always thought would my first choice as Head Pro at Redan Hills. I wonder how long he's going to have to wait for the plum job he deserves; it seems like half the club pro's I meet are empty-headed schmucks who look and sound like extras in a surf movie. The bleach job with too much hair jell always gives it away.
It occurred to me that after starting this thread, I rewrote part of it as a column for ANG News/Times. As I recall, we got quite a bit of comment about it, including an angry letter from an insane lesbian who was offended I had not specifically mentioned gender neutrality. She was an older gal from one of the local women's golf clubs and even took the time to complain to my editor - who happened to be the legendary Dave Burgin. Dave told me I ought not be surprised people get pissed off with some of the inflammatory shit I put in print.
One thing I did add to the column was an unconditional ban on politicians. "Party affiliation is irrelevant, no exceptions." Since what seems like half the California Legislature is facing charges of corruption, graft, tax evasion and even offshore gun running, it appears my absolute distaste for the slime balls who run our once-great state is well founded. I've amended the bylaws that politicians are unwelcome as guests and not allowed to set foot on the property. See Louise Renne and the Olympic Club - "Exhibit A."
As a retort to my column, my expat brother Rhic Goodale penned his own version I ran the next week - and then promptly moved back to Scotland for good.
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PLEASE FORWARD TO ANG SPORTS. THIS IS A GOLF COLUMN FOR THE TUESDAY SAN MATEO TIMES.
By Gib Papazian
Several weeks ago, we conjured up mythical Redan Hills Golf Club from the best ideas over a lifetime of experiences. Apparently, the idea of starting a club is a fantasy shared by many of our readers. We are still receiving responses and suggestions about a column that has somehow taken on a life of its own.
Richard Goodale, a longtime reader and friend, sent us a retort so impossibly clever I feel compelled to print it for your enjoyment. Evidently, he took exception to the private and insular nature of Redan Hills in favor of a far more egalitarian set-up.
Goodale will be returning to Scotland next month with his family to raise kids - and hopefully to organize a club based on his unique vision. Here is an edited version of his letter to the Times:
Dear Gib,
One of the finest and most fascinating things about golf is that golfing friends of similar experience can envision their "ideal" club almost 180 degrees apart! And yet, I'm very sure I would enjoy Redan Hills as much as you would enjoy the Old Links at Strathwhinn. So much for the pleasantries………….
Strathwhinn, being a links, has no "hills" to speak of, just an infinite series of randomly dispersed mounds and hollows. It does not have a "Redan" hole and anybody who even suggests that it ought to is immediately put on "double-secret" probation.
It is, of course in the Kingdom of Fife. As Hillaire Belloc once said about wine: "The first duty of a wine is to be red. The second is that it be a Burgundy."
On the same note, I say: The first duty of a golf course is to be a “links.” The second is that it be in Scotland.
In terms of the club, mine would have the following"characteristics:"
</button> Strathwhinn will be very much a public course. Various categories of "membership" are available (daily, weekly, fortnightly, seasonal, yearly, senior, junior, local, walk-ons, etc.) but all are subject to non-renewal at the end of any term. No other privileges for any class of member.
</button> All "members" will be subject to the sanction of "time out." Just as in kindergarten, this will be for misbehavior and entail a loss of all club privileges for a period of time.
</button> Strathwhinn will not employ a double-barrel named, anal retentive, retired British military officer to run the place. Some cheerful middle aged woman named Maggie will do just fine, assisted by a few lassies and laddies to help out during the busy months.
</button> We will have the same old pro year after year (he summers at my club and winters at Redan Hills), but he has no official duties except to occasionally sell sweaters, golf balls and faux club ties. He must have a questionable history, be a raconteur and not averse to a drammie or two.
</button> There will be assistant pro's, but rather than being well paid as at Redan Hills, they (or their sponsors, college, parents, etc.) will pay Strathwhinn for the privilege of a 2-year "residency." It will be one of the most sought-after posts for an ambitious young golf professional.
</button> The Greenkeeper will be highly competent, but not draw a lucrative salary. If he or she wishes to leave, the existence of Strathwhinn on the resume will guarantee a highly paid job at places like Redan Hills or Wentworth.
</button> He or she will have a large and cheerful staff, taken mostly from the local population. They will all be enthusiastic, with a thorough understanding of how to maintain a course with playability in mind.
</button> There will be a tennis club down the street and a local cricket club. A Strathwhinn "membership" will come with fishing privileges at a wee loch up in the hills.
</button> Unlike Redan Hills, there will be no "Dormy House" at the club. Players will be encouraged to frequent local establishments for accommodation, meals and non-golf oriented camaraderie.
</button> Much of this will be found at the club as well, of course. Strathwhinn will have a simple menu and legendary craic.
</button> We will not, however, have any wines priced at more that $10 retail. In fact, if a player wishes to drink any sort of wine in the clubhouse, it will be made difficult for him or her to find one of their liking.
</button> Beer and spirits will reign. The scotch of choice will be the "Strathwhinn Highland Malt" bottled for the club, and sold at a reasonable price.
</button> The course will have been a piece of scruffy land that the great-nephew of the owner claims used to be a golf course. It will be bought at an estate sale.
</button> The founders will hold a design competition which will consist of sending a disguised topographic map to every golf course architect we have ever heard of, asking them to send us back a routing.
</button> We will keep their ideas and tell all of them they lost the job. From their drawings, we will assemble a routing and hire the best unemployed golf hole shaper available to live in the village, hire and train some assistants and do his stuff.
</button> The designer of the course will always be listed as "The Singularity."
</button> I, Richard Goodale, will be in charge. There will be 20 or so founders who kick in a few grand, participate in the design of the course, and have playing privileges for the first year. After a while I might allow a "committee" of sorts, but they would have no power except that of possible persuasion.
</button> All holes will be subject to renovation, restoration, complete rebuilding, or even demolition. The course will be reversible and in common with St. Andrews, several tournaments will be played each year "back to front."
</button> All this is contingent upon me winning the lottery. Hope to see you soon in Scotland.
Cheers,
Rich Goodale