The 7 Golf Jokes?

[Jeff_Brauer]

Paging through the Tillinghast site, I saw a humor article by Tillie, where he claimed that there are but 7 original golf jokes.  Now, I have heard of the 7 basic plots (boy meets girl, etc.) but not jokes.

What do you suppose they are/were?

[RJ_Daley]

Well, one is the genie and the three wishes, in all its permutations...  

[David_Elvins]

Type No 1 has the following type of punchline:

"We have worked with the land"

[RJ_Daley]

Another has to include a clergyman playing golf...

[John Kavanaugh]

Redan, Biaritz, Alps, Eden..etc..etc..He was poking fun at the template architects.

[Dan Kelly]

What do you suppose they are/were?

One of them involves an architect mowing down a rodent with a golf cart.

[Pete_Pittock]

Correspondence to secretary or green committee

I shall persevere -
Hit the ball and drag George;
Horrendous shot kills/injures someone, changing grip.

Golfing widow -
Be polite, here come my wife and my mistress. What a coincidence; doffing cap as wife's funeral procession passes.

[Adam Clayman]

Thats when I'm 15 minutes late

Thats not what Arnie Palmer would do.

[David Stamm]

Something about why Garcia crossed the road?

Because his "putts" was stuck in the chicken!


Thank you, I'll be here all week at 8.

Don't forget to tip your waitress.

[Jeff_Brauer]

I just got this in an email.  Now we have 8 golf jokes....

In the mountains of Montana, the most popular golf course had bears in the surrounding forest.  Because the bears would often wander out on the course, the Department of Fish and Wildlife was invited to speak to the members.  During this meeting, the game warden gave the following advice:  

1.  Wear noise producing devices such as little bells on your clothing to alert bears to your presence. They should not be startled or surprised by your approach.

2.  Carry a can of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.  Watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should learn to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.  

Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.  

 

[Mike_Cirba]

Stop me if you've heard this one already...

One day Tillinghast, Macdonald, Ross, and Flynn were playing together and they came to an obvious redan hole.

Macdonald, being the most outspoken and brusque of this group stated, "Thank God that I brought the redan concept to this country, and actually improved on the original with the version I built in Southampton."

Tillinghast, never one to take a back seat, puffed on his pipe for a moment and said, "Yes, Charlie...that was quite an accomplishment, but I'd have to say my slightly downhill version with more severe hazards in New Jersey is an even better one."

Flynn, sensing an opportunity to promote his naturalistic tendencies, said, "Fellows, you may have had the shot values correct, but I took what you two developed and made it appear to fall more naturally on the land and less obviously stolen on courses around Philadelphia."

Ross, always the pragmatist, raised his cap on his forehead, and asked, "what's the best way to draw a redan on a topo?"  

[Jeff_Brauer]

Mike,

Must have never gotten an answer, since I don't recall Ross doing a Redan.....

[Mike_Cirba]

Mike,

Must have never gotten an answer, since I don't recall Ross doing a Redan.....

Jeff,

He designed one on paper, but McGovern screwed it up on the ground.

Does that count as architecture?  

[Steve Wilson]

No doubt Post Tillinghast and with a few other liberties:

I dreamed last night that I was still able to walk and play very quickly.   I was in a foursome with three other GCA posters.  We were clipping along at a three hour pace on a Golden Age hidden gem.  Suddenly at the 17th hole we ran smack into one of the most dilatory eightsomes in the history of the game, the Wrecking Crew times 2 (apologies to Wodehouse).  Our pace having slowed from warp to crawl, we were blessed with ample time to indulge in the other GCA favorite pastime, carping all diem long. After requiring an excruciating hour to play the final two holes of our round, we stormed en masse and in step into the golf shop brandishing our short irons in the manner of peasants with pitchforks and torches in horror movies.  Despite the inchoate ranting and raving of a quartet of voices speaking in everything but unison, the pro was able to decipher that our discontent arose from the eightsome in front of us and that we were in favor of tar and feathers prior to the prolonged and painful execution of each and every member of the octet.

"Whoa, whoa," the pro said in admonishing tones, "when I tell you fellows what happened you're going to feel really bad.  You see we had some blind golfers out here and they got a late start and so what you ran into was the last foursome with their helpers.  Now what do you have to say for yourselves."

Player A of the foursome, let's call him Mike Cirba, responds, "You're right I feel really bad.  Tell you what, buy them all a drink and have it put on my golf tab."  

The pro turns to Player B, let's call him Dan Kelly, and asks, "And what do you have to say."

Too clever to admit that what he is really thinking is envy for Cirba's quick wittedness, Kelly ups the ante and says, "Tell you what, I feel even worse than Mike does, so buy them a dinner and charge it to my golf tab."

Now the pro, Cirba and Kelly are looking at player C, call him Rich Goodale who is even more envious of Kelly, than Kelly was of Cirba, but Rihc's envy is tempered by his gratitude for the strong exchange rate of the GBP, and so he says in an ultimate one upmanship of magnaminity, "I even more distressed than these two hard hearted nativists, so I want you to charge all of their rounds to my golf tab."

Eight expectant and self satisfied eyes turn towards me wondering how I can possibly respond to this without convulsive stuttering, exhausting my vocabulary, and   emptying my 401 (k).

"F--- 'em," I say, "There's no good reason why they can't play at night."

[James Bennett]

Stop me if you've heard this one already...

One day Tillinghast, Macdonald, Ross, and Flynn were playing together and they came to an obvious redan hole.

Macdonald, being the most outspoken and brusque of this group stated, "Thank God that I brought the redan concept to this country, and actually improved on the original with the version I built in Southampton."

Tillinghast, never one to take a back seat, puffed on his pipe for a moment and said, "Yes, Charlie...that was quite an accomplishment, but I'd have to say my slightly downhill version with more severe hazards in New Jersey is an even better one."

Flynn, sensing an opportunity to promote his naturalistic tendencies, said, "Fellows, you may have had the shot values correct, but I took what you two developed and made it appear to fall more naturally on the land and less obviously stolen on courses around Philadelphia."

Ross, always the pragmatist, raised his cap on his forehead, and asked, "what's the best way to draw a redan on a topo?"  

Mackenzie was watching nearby (he had just driven up onto the course), and said "they look more like Gibralter to me".

[Kyle Harris]

Mike,

This just begs one question.... whose Redan were they playing!?

[Jeff_Brauer]

Mike,

Must have never gotten an answer, since I don't recall Ross doing a Redan.....

Jeff,

He designed one on paper, but McGovern screwed it up on the ground.

Does that count as architecture?  

Mike,

I understand Ross had a dyslexic draftsman who designed the first reverse redan without knowing it.  Most people assume he was let go because of the Great Depression (which was actually one of his better design features!) but in reality, Ross tired of his proposals for gel god holes and had to let him go.

[James Bennett]

Steve

one of the blind foursome was the US champion blind golfer.  He met Sam Snead one day and Sam offered to play him anytime.  The blind golfer responded "what about midnight tomorrow night".

I guess this is an example of there being only 7 golf jokes, plus many variations on the seven themes.

James B

[Mike_Cirba]

Steve,

That may be the funniest thing I've ever heard on GCA.

Of course, that's not saying much.  


Kyle,

Of course they were playing Wilson's 3rd hole at Merion Golf Club.   You can't imagine the discussion when they hit the Alps 10th!  


Jeff,

I played another Ross this past week and I still can't believe that he was so incredible at routing.   The fact that he did at least half of his courses on paper topos ADDS, not detracts from his genius in my opinion.   I mean, what's his batting average of good, sound, playable holes?   Not every single one of his courses was a Fazio, of course, but how many were ever intended to be?

[Jeff_Brauer]

Jeff,

I played another Ross this past week and I still can't believe that he was so incredible at routing.   The fact that he did at least half of his courses on paper topos ADDS, not detracts from his genius in my opinion.   I mean, what's his batting average of good, sound, playable holes?   Not every single one of his courses was a Fazio, of course, but how many were ever intended to be?

Hmm, what's so funny about that?  I don't get your joke......

[Mike_Cirba]

Jeff,

There's really nothing funny about Tom Fazio's 500 Top 20 courses.  

[Dan Kelly]

No doubt Post Tillinghast and with a few other liberties:

I dreamed last night that I was still able to walk and play very quickly.   I was in a foursome with three other GCA posters.  We were clipping along at a three hour pace on a Golden Age hidden gem.  Suddenly at the 17th hole we ran smack into one of the most dilatory eightsomes in the history of the game, the Wrecking Crew times 2 (apologies to Wodehouse).  Our pace having slowed from warp to crawl, we were blessed with ample time to indulge in the other GCA favorite pastime, carping all diem long. After requiring an excruciating hour to play the final two holes of our round, we stormed en masse and in step into the golf shop brandishing our short irons in the manner of peasants with pitchforks and torches in horror movies.  Despite the inchoate ranting and raving of a quartet of voices speaking in everything but unison, the pro was able to decipher that our discontent arose from the eightsome in front of us and that we were in favor of tar and feathers prior to the prolonged and painful execution of each and every member of the octet.

"Whoa, whoa," the pro said in admonishing tones, "when I tell you fellows what happened you're going to feel really bad.  You see we had some blind golfers out here and they got a late start and so what you ran into was the last foursome with their helpers.  Now what do you have to say for yourselves."

Player A of the foursome, let's call him Mike Cirba, responds, "You're right I feel really bad.  Tell you what, buy them all a drink and have it put on my golf tab."  

The pro turns to Player B, let's call him Dan Kelly, and asks, "And what do you have to say."

Too clever to admit that what he is really thinking is envy for Cirba's quick wittedness, Kelly ups the ante and says, "Tell you what, I feel even worse than Mike does, so buy them a dinner and charge it to my golf tab."

Now the pro, Cirba and Kelly are looking at player C, call him Rich Goodale who is even more envious of Kelly, than Kelly was of Cirba, but Rihc's envy is tempered by his gratitude for the strong exchange rate of the GBP, and so he says in an ultimate one upmanship of magnaminity, "I even more distressed than these two hard hearted nativists, so I want you to charge all of their rounds to my golf tab."

Eight expectant and self satisfied eyes turn towards me wondering how I can possibly respond to this without convulsive stuttering, exhausting my vocabulary, and   emptying my 401 (k).

"F--- 'em," I say, "There's no good reason why they can't play at night."

I've been a joke many times, but I've never been *in* one (so far as I know!).

Thanks, Steve. I'm honored to be Player B.

[Jeff_Brauer]

Golf jokes are pretty standard.  Its like the old prison joke where an inmate shouts out "No. 72" and everyone laughs.  We could just insert the punch lines and everyone would know exactly what we were talking about.

Pussy Willow.....

Need I say more?

I've told it before, but here is my fave, which has the advantage of being partially true:

There was a mafia hit on a course on the south side of Chicago.  The FBI suspected the other players in the group, because they finished the hole before reporting the murder and seemed generally unconcerned.  One of the foursome eventually turned states witness against the others.

A young DA, not a golfer, asked the witness at trial how they let the shooter know which one to target, since they would all be standing close by, and he was told the instructions were to shoot the first player to arrive on the 8th tee.  The DA wondered how that was arranged, and the witness explained "honors" to him.

The DA asks, "So the victim was the best golfer and was assured of playing first?"

Witness: "Oh, no, we were all about equal so we had to throw the 7th hole.  He made it harder when he topped his tee shot. I five putted, Tony hit three in the water on the adjacent hole, and Carmine whiffed a few times.

DA: "And what were the victims last words?"

Witness: "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9"

[michael j fay]

My favorite is enticing the cart girl for an assignation in the woods....only to discover that she is an unpliable lay.

[James Bennett]

Dave played at a course the day after Sam Snead played.  Snead was his hero.  Dave was really impressed to get the guy who caddied for Snead the day before as his caddie.  

Anyway, Dave smashes a drive off the first, and lies just next to a divot in the fairway.  Caddie advises that Snead hit his drive there, and that it was Snead's 4-iron that took the divot.

"Give me a 4-iron" says Dave, which he promptly dispatches to the green for a birdie, matching Snead's effort.

This goes on throughout the round.  Add as many shots and holes as you like, according to the time available to tell the joke.

Dave is having his best ever round.  He smashes a drive down the right on #18, and sure enough, there is Snead's divot from yesterday.

"What did Snead hit here yesterday?" Daves asks.

"A 7-iron" says the caddy.

"Well, give me a 7-iron then" says Dave.  As he walks to the ball, he says "it looks a long way for a 7-iron".  He hits as pure a 7-iron as he can, watches it track the pin in its flight, and comes up a couple of yards short, into the fronting Hazard/bunker/lake.

"I thought you said Snead hit a 7-iron here yesterday" said an unhappy Dave.

"He did, into the same bunker/hazard/lake that you did sir" said his caddy.

PS  I believe Dave gave the caddy the same tip that Snead did.

James B