The Emperor goes down at "Tori Spelling Pines"

[Noel Freeman]

I recently played the role of Grantland Rice in an epic battle, a grudge match, mano a mano between the Emperor and one of golf's bloggers/authors.

Outlined against a sunny blue California sky, the four horsemen of the apocalypse appeared to conspire against the Emperor.  In dramatic lore it was known as hubris, nemisis, death and destruction.  With the hulking edifice of the Spelling mansion looming, Tommy arrived.  Channelling his inner Sam Snead, Tommy came dressed like Jed Clampett, barefoot with a corn-cob pipe.  Instead of a shotgun he came armed with hickory wedges and a putt putt golf putter.  Then out of a Ford Explorer, golf's version of Shaq arrived.  Armed with a pro-v1 and wedges inscribed "Dr. Pitch-inski" he eyed the Emperor with the anger of a man who had lost his last match.

The world was too much for this clashing of the titans.  After the payment of the $2 greens fees and the ducking of a septuplet gaggle of artisan players, the match began.  Naccarato out of the gate took the high road on all shots while Shackelford nutted several low spinners that nuzzled near pins.  The Emperor flailed, struggled as they played the 8th hole (17th on the actual course) which he called the Eden due to the snakey concrete burn built by the LA parks department--a wee 40yard pitch.  A failed up and down left him 6 down near the turn.  Shackelford would not relent, there were no given putts and while dodging the local elites who chatted him up (one woman looked like Mrs. Spelling and was eyeing Tommy to be her cabana boy), Tommy lost the plot and by the 14th hole I had nothing to be witness to.

Later on at a mexican cantina weary from his loss, the Emperor muttered to himself, "The Horror, The Horror"..

[RJ_Daley]

Was the neighborhood draped in black funeral crepe with the loss of its' main resident?  To whom do you pay the 2 bucks green fee?

We stopped by on or OJ night of terror tour, but didn't have the sticks with us to stop and play the famous Tori Pines venue. It is probably on my top 10 wish list of courses to play...and must really be running firm and fast with all the heat out there...

[Tommy_Naccarato]

I was playing mindless golf. Not a single ounce of luck in the last two tries against the bastard. Last time I had an excuse, I hadn't been to bed in like 36 hours and I was on my second 18, walking... My excuse this time was simply the wrong strategy, opting to put my Callaway Hickory Stick in the bag and using it the majority of the round, along with the rest of my hickories. I was trying to play apply an aerial strategy to the challenge and it just didn't work. Not on Kikuyu at least.

None the less, I too will be using a softer ball and conventional clubs this next match. He will go down.

And about my Putt-putt Putter, well I'll have you know that with Gil, I sunk him good, birdieing two holes in a row to close him out by five.

Drink my booze, even screw with Tori herself, but don't put down my golf course!

BTW, I drove by there last full moon and tried to channel Aaron's ghost, even had a Double-Double all ready waiting there for him, just to see if he could tell me where he buried some cans filled with some big cash. No Luck.

[Tommy_Naccarato]

Dick,

The greens were the fastest they've ever been. The Kikuyu was stickier then it's ever been.

[Michael Moore]

Which course is this?

[Tommy_Naccarato]

"Tori Pines" aka The Armand Hammer Golf Course @ Holmby Park, in the shadows of Aaron Spelling's mansion which is preportedly on the market for $150 Million. It's also right next to LACC.

[Noel Freeman]

I was playing mindless golf. Not a single ounce of luck in the last two tries against the bastard. Last time I had an excuse, I hadn't been to bed in like 36 hours and I was on my second 18, walking... My excuse this time was simply the wrong strategy, opting to put my Callaway Hickory Stick in the bag and using it the majority of the round, along with the rest of my hickories. I was trying to play apply an aerial strategy to the challenge and it just didn't work. Not on Kikuyu at least.

None the less, I too will be using a softer ball and conventional clubs this next match. He will go down.

And about my Putt-putt Putter, well I'll have you know that with Gil, I sunk him good, birdieing two holes in a row to close him out by five.

Drink my booze, even screw with Tori herself, but don't put down my golf course!

BTW, I drove by there last full moon and tried to channel Aaron's ghost, even had a Double-Double all ready waiting there for him, just to see if he could tell me where he buried some cans filled with some big cash. No Luck.

C'mon Tommy, Shaq was in your head the whole way.  He had the Eye of the Tiger and your poor excuse of a rope a dope strategy to hit high shots off the Kikuyu to throw him off did nothing.  He was Tiger-esque sticking to his low ball strategy and no conceded putts.   With the 25 sq. foot greens there was nothing you could do, especially with your mallet putter that can only hole shots into a clown's nose..

[RJ_Daley]

Just to clearify, with your description of "golf's version of Shaq" I assume this was the elder, not the son.  Is that so?  Did he play from the senior tees, whilst Tommy is still not qualified to move up?

[rjsimper]

Was anyone able to hold the green on the Pinehurst-crowned 3rd?

[Tommy_Naccarato]

Dick, No it was the younger.

Ryan, Geoff and I both came up short, mine being denied when it just hit immediately and stopped. I thought I hit a good shot at it.

Noel however feel vicitim to the crown, going over but acheiving par after and excellent running chip to the pin.

[Brian Noser]

I OWN mr simper there!!! I am undefeted!!! Man I miss those lunch hours. What a fun little GEM!  2 bucks in LA!!

[Tommy_Naccarato]

It doesn't get much more pure does it?

[rjsimper]

I would, however, remark that the creek bisecting the 4th fairway is a somewhat unnatural feature

[Tommy_Naccarato]

That hole we call Ted Robinson....

[Tim Leahy]

How about a card of the course? Have you tried it with Gutta Percha balls or those modified distance ones? Have you tried the three hole course they set up at your friend's alma mater on the bluffs of Pepperdine in Malibu?

[Tommy_Naccarato]

I'll try to post something later. I have a diagram of the course, and I'll have to see if I got the yardages too.

We have played Gutties courtesy of Alfie on the course. It's a kick!

I think Geoff may have had something to do with that practice facility at  your Alma Mater (Pepperdine,) either in its layout or support of it.

[Geoff_Shackelford]

For the record, I was not playing a Pro-V1, but instead a Professional 90 to help generate more spin for those 300 sq. foot greens.  I know, shocking that I don't play the latest ball by a company that is so, so supportive of my work.

[Thomas_Brown]

The kids, wife & I were out there this weekend.
No controversy over the elimination of some of the holes on the north end of the "park"?

Anyone see Mac O'Grady?

[Joe Perches]

No controversy over the elimination of some of the holes on the north end of the "park"?

Elimination?  I'm aghast.  Pale too.  When?  Last I remember, the course was rerouted in the late 70's when the holes north of the walking path were removed.  I haven't played there in a couple of months though.  Are you suggesting #3 is gone?  Tough hole #3, best play may be to play bounce and bank off the tree roots.  I'm sure that hole was architecturally forward planned for 40 years after grow-in.

[Tommy_Naccarato]

Yes, they re-"rooted" two or three of the more important holes on our gem a few years ago, and we lost the 3rd and the even more charming 4th, (The Road Hole) in the process.

Still, our Walter Neff-inspired Spanish clubhouse sits majestically over-seeing the links. Noal even dissed that the other night.....

Noel didn't see the greatness, didn't get the feel. I was too busy avoiding skulling a wedge into the Harkatoonian Brothers who always seem to come right into line of my errant tee shots when they are doing their daily walk in the park. (they made their money in a chain of Falafal stands called, HavaFalafal, located thoughout West Los Angeles.)

Mac wasn't there, but certainly his karmic presence was. You could see the squirrels all had a look of fear on their faces. Those poor lost souls.

I still consider him to be our head professional....

[Geoff_Shackelford]

Tommy, Mac is the Touring Professional. Ron Rhoads, former Riviera pro and huge Holmby fan (he used to host a Masters Sunday morning tournament), is the Pro Emeritus.

By the way I paid our hefty $6 green fee, I submitted the name Hogan, Snead and Nicklaus, which on the tee sheet were written in as Hoggen, Sneed and Nicholas.

[Brian Noser]

Ryan and I had the Idea of playing those limited flight balls there but never got a round to it. I think it would freak some people out seeing some one take a full swing with a driver on Number 5. it would have been fun as well. Did I mention Mr simper Has never beaten me there? I think the best shot I ever hit there was the putter from 50 yards on number 17 to tap in range to seal the match, the ground game is fun.

[Mike Benham]

Can you guys give us the Matt Ward info on the course?

[Scott_Burroughs]

I'm guessing that Ms. I.M. Plants (Tori) grew up in the
house at upper far right.  Speaking of enhancements, the
Epicenter of Silicone (the Playboy Mansion) is a few doors to the north.

[Tim Gavrich]

How does this course compare to The Reverse Jans National?  Is the lore comparable?