[Peter Pallotta]

Bad golf joke #134

Two friends are on the 6th green when they spot a funeral procession on a nearby road. Without a word, Charlie drops his club, whips off his cap, and stands silent until the cortege has passed. "Wow," exclaims his friend. "What  manners."  "Well, it was the least I could do," murmurs Charlie, bending down to line up his putt."  "We'd been married for 35 years."

I don't think there are only 7 golf jokes. I think it takes only 7 seconds to figure out the punchline of any golf joke.

Peter

[Bill_McBride]

"You lying SOB, you guys played 36, didn't you?"  

[David Stamm]

So a man is playing with the local priest and they come to a par 3. The man pulls a 8 iron and asks the priest what he is going to hit. "I'm going to hit a 7 and pray". The first man hits a fine shot onto the green. The priest steps up and cold tops it about 10 yds. The man says, "Father, where I come from, when we pray we keep our head down".

[Rich Goodale]

I love the one about the big lockerroom, where the newbie is sitting down and caressing his hemmeroids when he hears:  "6!" from another bay, followed by intense laughter.  Then "3!" from the far left, followed by more laughter, and then "1!" from near the toilets.  Uproarious laughter.

A bit of silence ensues, and he asks his host, "What's going on?"

"Well, we all know all the jokes, so we just say them by number.  Saves time."

Just then, the silence is broken by "7!"| followed by even more slience.

"What happened there?" asked the Newbie.

"Oh, that was just Barney.  He can't tell a joke."

[David Stamm]

One day a man decides to play a couple of holes before dinner. The first hole he hits a huge hook into the woods and just manages to find it. He sees an opening and thinks he can get to the green. He hits his shot and it strikes a tree and comes right back at him nails him righ between the eyes and he drops dead!

The next thing he knows, he's standing before St Peter. Peter says "We've been expecting you." He looks at his book and says  "Well, it's seems you've been a good father and husband. You go to church and have a positive impact on the community. It also says that you're a pretty good golfer?"

The man says "I got here in 2 didn't I?"

[JSPayne]

Playing the 3rd hole one day with his regular foresome, a man owning a home on the hole, slices the ball right near his backyard fence. While seaching for his ball, his mouth drops open as he spies his wife through the bedroom window making passionate love to another man. Irrate and unnerved, but not wanting his buddies to know about it, he continues with his round shooting a eyebrow-raising 135.

More scared about his reputation at the club and at work, the man resolves to hire a hitman to "take care of the problem". And what better access to his house than from the golf course.

So the man brings the hitman as his caddie at the next golf outing.

Before the round he tells his hired help, "Listen, make it look like my wife got angry at her lover and took out his manhood, then overcome with guilt, shot herself in the head."

"No problem", replies the hitman.

So on the 3rd hold the man once again, purposefully, slices his ball near his backyard fence. As they approach, the man confirms that indeed his wife and lover are "getting busy" inside.

"Ok, do it", the man says as he turns away, unable to watch.

The hitman readies, and waits.....and waits.....

"What's taking so long?", the man asks.

"If you'll just wait one more second", the hitman replies, "I may be able to get them both with one shot."

[Dan Kelly]

"Don't tell me you missed the f***** putt!"

[James Bennett]

A husband and wife event was being held.  Three separate incidents occurred (three separate jokes).

1.  Whilst the wife was waiting for her husband to play, she was struck in the buttocks by a ball from an adjacent fairway.  She played on, but the injury started to throb more and more.  When they got home, the wife was changing her clothes and said to husband

"When it happened, I didn't know what hit me".

He bent down, inspected her derriere and said "I think it was a Hot Dot #5".

He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.

2.  On the next hole, his wife had shanked her shot into the adjacent field.  They had a quick look for her ball, and he found it, plugged into the most unusual spot in the rear end of a cow.

He lifted the cow's tale, pointed (towards the ball) at the cow's rear and said "Darling, this looks like yours".

He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.

3.  Two holes later, the wife of the other couple (a real stunner, a honey blonde with long legs) also shanked a ball.  The husband (not the stunner's husband) was struck and bent over double with his hands near his groin, trying to stem the pain.  The stunning wife rushed over.  She was a masseuse and started to rub the groin of the victim.

"Does that feel better" she asked.  "Yes, fantastic actually" was the reply.  "But, my finger still hurts from being struck by your golf ball".

He blacked out shortly after, from injuries to his temple.

James B

PS my wife does not play golf.

[Michael Dugger]

A gentleman is playing golf and notices a beautiful woman playing as a single behind him.  He waits for her at the turn and introduces himself, asks her if she would like to play as a two some on the back nine.

Thus begins a budding relationship.  He is thrilled because not only does she give him great oral sex in the backseat of his car after each round, she is a pretty good stick to boot!

This goes on for a couple of weeks.  They play golf, then retire to his car for some more you know what.  After about a month of this, one afternoon the woman confides she has a secret to tell.

The gent asks what it is.  Slightly nervous, the woman, fighting back tears, says that she has thorougly enjoyed the past month, but feels compelled to tell the gent that really she is a man.

The gent replies, "What!  and I've been giving you five shots a side!!!"
     

[Clyde Johnston]

A man and his wife were playing golf when his wife was stung by a bee. The man rushes back to the pro shop. Upon entering the proshop, he tells the pro "My wife got stung by a bee, I need a bandaid."

"Where did she get stung?" asked the pro.

"Between holes 1 and 2" replied the man.

"Sorry" says the pro "but we don't have a bandaid that will fit there!"

[Dan Kelly]

A man and his wife were playing golf when his wife was stung by a bee. The man rushes back to the pro shop. Upon entering the proshop, he tells the pro "My wife got stung by a bee, I need a bandaid."

"Where did she get stung?" asked the pro.

"Between holes 1 and 2" replied the man.

"Sorry" says the pro "but we don't have a bandaid that will fit there!"

I'm pretty sure that's Joke #8.

[Kalen Braley]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies..

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Jason McNamara]

This has already gone downhill, but I'll still give the cleaner version
----------------------
Three guys are surprised when an attractive young lady asks to join them on the 1st tee.  They give her a few tips throughout the round, and she's playing very well despite being new to the game.

At the 18th, she needs to make a 5-footer to break 100 for the first time.  "I'll be happy to grant my favors to whichever of you can help me make break 100."

The first guy says "It breaks to the left."

The second guy says "It breaks to the right."

The third guy says "Pick it up - that's good."

[Rick Shefchik]

I'm pretty sure this is one of Tillie's original 7:

A duffer is nearing the end of an abysmal round, during which he has topped, whiffed, shanked, foozled and chunked almost every shot. On the 18th hole he duck-hooks his ball into the gorse, and his caddie is unable to find it after an exhaustive search.

"You must be the worst caddie in the world!" the frustrated duffer screams at the caddie.

"I doubt it, sir," the caddie replies. "That would be too great a coincidence."

[Jeff_Brauer]

If we are going for Golden oldies, how about asking the caddie if you can get there with a 5 iron and getting the reply "eventually."

[Michael Dugger]

Saw this one....it made me chuckle.

A new book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information gleaned from years of struggles and experience playing this grand auld game.

Table of Contents:

Chap. 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt
Chap. 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee
Chap. 3 - How to avoid water when you lie 8 in a bunker
Chap. 4 - How to get more distance off the shank
Chap. 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger
Chap. 6 - Using your shadow on the green to maximize earnings
Chap. 7 - When to implement handicap management
Chap. 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 8 AM
Chap. 9 - How to rationalize a 6 hr round
Chap. 10 - How to find the ball everyone else saw go in the water
Chap. 11 - Why your spouse does not care you birdied 18
Chap. 12 - How to let a foursome play through a two some
Chap. 13 - How to rleax when you are hitting three off the tee
Chap. 14 - When you suggest major swing corrections to your opponent
Chap. 15 - God and the meaning of the birdie-to-bogey three putt
Chap. 16 - When you regrip your ball retriever
Chap. 17 - Can you purchase a better golf game?
Chap. 18 - Why male golfers will pay $6 a beer from the cart girl and tip her $3 but will balk at a $2.50 beer at the 19th hole and stiff the bartender.

[James Bennett]

Caddie jokes - could be one of the original 7

A tourist plays from the first at The Old Course, and hits an abominable heel that just misses his leg, and trickles over and onto the adjacent #18 green.  It stops about 4 feet below the hole.

The caddies response "Well, you'll have that to go round  the old course in two, sir".

PS  I wish I could write that scottish accent like FBD does.

James B

[Brian_Ewen]

A retired fighter pilot, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life — that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman." On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons to him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean …"
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a golf course?"

[James Bennett]

"How long is it since you played a-round?"

"You haven't got a set of golf clubs as well?"

thanks Brian, a neat version.

James B

[Jeff_Brauer]

A tourist plays from the first at The Old Course, and hits an abominable heel that just misses his leg, and trickles over and onto the adjacent #18 green.  It stops about 4 feet below the hole.

The caddies response "Well, you'll have that to go round  the old course in two, sir".

I played TOC with a gca whose name shall remain cloaked to protect the guilty. He had a wicked slice and on 18, parked two in, ah, foul territory down the first base line.  On his third blow, he lined up towards the first fw, but double crossed it, and hit OB over 1 FW.

The caddy says, "I don't reckon I have seen that before, but then, I've only been working here 45 years."

[Dan Kelly]

The caddy says, "I don't reckon I have seen that before, but then, I've only been working here 45 years."

'Don't reckon'? Texas transplant, maybe? How many more years d'ya suppose he's fixin' to work at The Old Course?

What happens to the golfer who puts his tee shot through the front window of the Old Tom Morris Shop?

[Jeff_Brauer]

The caddy says, "I don't reckon I have seen that before, but then, I've only been working here 45 years."

'Don't reckon'? Texas transplant, maybe? How many more years d'ya suppose he's fixin' to work at The Old Course?

What happens to the golfer who puts his tee shot through the front window of the Old Tom Morris Shop?

The caddy says, "Ay avent seen that before, but then, I've onla bean aron here for forta fie years."

Hard to type in a Scottish brogue with a Texas memory......

BTW, that golfer came close to testing that question, but a few parked cars got in the way!  Is parking that tight in St. Andrews or do they expect the locals just to not slice?

[Steve Lang]

   Gotta have a four some and a moral

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained
that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join
them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you
want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories
or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go
ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so
don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards
down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful,"
he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get
into it, and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their
drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and
lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (She was closest to the
pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy
seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."
She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the
hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the
middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par,
and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all
for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to
use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd
really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me
how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour
some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak
dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get
over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a
plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10
inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so
it falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme,
sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
Moral of the story: Old age and treachery will overcome skill and youthful vitality every
time.?

[Pat Brockwell]

Jesus and St. Peter were playing a round of golf...
 "I hate it when your dad plays"
"No, he thinks he's Tiger woods"
"Are you going to play golf or screw around?"
a great series to be sure!

[James Bennett]

JC popped down to earth to play at Augusta with St Peter.  They had been watching replays of historic Masters on TV.

They were playing the 15th and JC tried to hit the green from the top of the hill, but came up just short, his ball trickled back down the false front and finished in a watery grave by the edge of the green.  He was disappointed that he couldn't emulate the shots he had seen on the TV.

He trudged off down the middle of the fairway towards the green and was about to step directly across the lake to the green.  One of the maintenance crew was nearby and thought an accident was about to happen.  

He yelled to St Peter "hey, who does that guy think he is, JC?"

St Peter replied "its alright, he is JC, he can walk on water.  But he thinks he is Arnold Palmer and so thought that he could carry the water".

James B

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