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Peter Pallotta

Architectural Santa Claus
« on: December 22, 2015, 12:48:06 PM »
The lesser-known of the Santa Clauses, he wears chinos, a buttoned-down shirt from Lands End and a pair of battered addidas, and travels on a Bobcat accompanied by 7 young red-nosed associates. Over the years, he has gotten many requests via email from (mostly) boys and some girls, and unlike the other Santa makes no distinctions or value judgements as to merit. He doesn't care whether anyone has been naughty or nice, and he listens with equal attention to pompous bores, engaging wits, high handicappers and illiterates alike. In response, he has for years been busy answering our 'Dear Santas' and providing us little rug rats (9 or 90, 25s or +2s) with all that our hearts desire, golf-course-architecture wise. He is getting older, however, and is getting tired of having to manage such a large payroll and of traveling to China, so the Architectural Santa has written his "Manifesto" so that some younger man or woman might be guided in that role in years to come. I have seen portions of an early draft:
1. You must wear clothes from Lands End or LL Beene.
2. Remember: no golfer in the history of golf has ever actually played to his handicap, and none hits the ball as far as he thinks; fudge the yardage whenever you can.
3. Build your courses wide, and then wider, and then wider still. Trust me: no paying customer will ever mind.
4. Do your part in fostering the myth that being able to putt from anywhere -- from three feet off the green to 60 yards away -- makes the game more fun, interesting and challenging, and that it isn't simply a tacit recognition of how unskilled most golfers are with anything but a putter in the hands.
5. Never have water anywhere, under no circumstances. If there is a naturally occurring pond or stream on the site, make sure to drain it or fill it in; also make sure to call it a barranca and not a 'ditch'. 
6. In regards the options and strategies and choices that you design, remember the famous dictum: No one has ever gone broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. Make those choices so obvious that you're almost embarrassed they're so obvious; don't worry, golfers will still feel puffed up about "seeing" them.
7. Periodically take a pot shot at Jack Nicklaus' designs -- any design will do, but focus mainly on 'his early work' so as to seem fair minded and sophisticated. Also, add in that "obviously, Jack designed with his own game in mind".
8. Start looking at the possibility of a walking only golf resort on the Moon. The next generation of developers will have to look someplace "remote" and the Earth is running out of those.

As I say, I only saw a portion of The Manifesto, so can't speak authoritatively about it. But I can say: Thank you, Architectural Santa Claus for making all our golfing dreams come true!


:)


All the best
Peter
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 08:54:39 PM by Peter Pallotta »

BHoover

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2015, 01:54:57 PM »
Huh? Breaking out the good stuff early??
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 01:57:27 PM by Brian Hoover »

Kalen Braley

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2015, 03:04:25 PM »
Huh? Breaking out the good stuff early??

Lol...Peter, please do share with us...


Dan Kelly

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2015, 03:11:49 PM »
Huh? Breaking out the good stuff early??

Lol...Peter, please do share with us...




Where's the Canadian whiskey? Did Peter finish it off?
"There's no money in doing less." -- Joe Hancock, 11/25/2010
"Rankings are silly and subjective..." -- Tom Doak, 3/12/2016

Joe Hancock

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2015, 07:05:40 PM »
Too brilliant to be alcohol (or anything other chemical) induced! A Santa who pokes fun at stereotypes and paradigms...I like this guy.
" What the hell is the point of architecture and excellence in design if a "clever" set up trumps it all?" Peter Pallotta, June 21, 2016

"People aren't picking a side of the fairway off a tee because of a randomly internally contoured green ."  jeffwarne, February 24, 2017

Jason Thurman

  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2015, 09:29:39 PM »

Dear Architectural Santa Claus,

My eggnog/White Russians and I are very happy that we're no longer responsible for the low Yuletide-inspired watermark in GCA history, and for that we thank you.
"There will always be haters. That’s just the way it is. Hating dudes marry hating women and have hating ass kids." - Evan Turner

Some of y'all have never been called out in bold green font and it really shows.

Bob Montle

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2015, 10:40:36 AM »
That was lovely, Peter.

Merry Christmas to you and your Santa!
"If you're the swearing type, golf will give you plenty to swear about.  If you're the type to get down on yourself, you'll have ample opportunities to get depressed.  If you like to stop and smell the roses, here's your chance.  Golf never judges; it just brings out who you are."

Sven Nilsen

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2015, 12:21:45 PM »

4. Do your part in fostering the myth that being able to putt from anywhere -- from three feet off the green to 60 yards away -- makes the game more fun, interesting and challenging, and that it isn't simply a tacit recognition of how unskilled most golfers are with anything but a putter in the hands.


Peter:


I suspect you've been duped.  What architect worth his suspenders would dare to generalize all types of golf courses into such a simplistic statement?  Surely even the most banal designer knows there are different shots for different courses on different types of terrain.


Which begs the question, what type of shot would be better off on the moon?  Firm turf, but thin air.


Did Piper & Oakley do any studies on growing grass in lunar gravity?


Sven

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"As much as we have learned about the history of golf architecture in the last ten plus years, I'm convinced we have only scratched the surface."  A GCA Poster

"There's the golf hole; play it any way you please." Donald Ross

Peter Pallotta

Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2015, 02:59:07 PM »
Sven, gents - please note that these are not my words, but those of Architectural Santa. I simply re-printed here, faithfully I might add, selections from a hand written manuscript that recently came into my possession and that was clearly marked A.S. ie Architectural Santa. (I'm not at liberty to disclose how/through whom it came into my possession, but I consider the source beyond reproach.) But also: since Architectural Santa has brought us all some wonderful golf courses during his 20 year tenure, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss his insights and guidance. He is and was, by the way, a significantly better Santa than his predecessor, who ruled with an iron fist for many decades and who always wore a 3 piece suit and Italian loafers.
Peter

Bill_McBride

  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Architectural Santa Claus
« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2015, 07:43:36 PM »
Too brilliant to be alcohol (or anything other chemical) induced! A Santa who pokes fun at stereotypes and paradigms...I like this guy.


This may sound kinda gay, but I love this guy!   Nobody does it better....(cue the 007 theme).


Merry Christmas y'all!

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