Funny golf stories

[Ira Fishman]

When we were kids, we used to play quite a bit at Billy Caldwell a nine hole Chicago Park District course. No tee times. First come, first serve. One of the staff would announce over the PA the group on the tee and the group on deck. It was a loud PA because it got pretty crowded.


One day, we let a friend's younger brother join us. By the time it was our turn, there was a crowd of at least 40 people gathered about. The kid whiffed one time, a second time, a third time. After the fourth whiff, loud and clear over the PA came, "Pick up the ball and throw it." I am pretty sure he was not scarred by it because we were so young, but I have never heard that many people laughing on a golf course since.


Ira

[Jeff_Brauer]

Ira,


Best response I ever saw was a guy who whiffed on tee no. 1 a few times.  Stepped back and said, "They were right, this IS a tough course!"


I have told my funny stories recently, so I will just leave the punch lines


St. Andrews caddie, "I've never seen that before, but I've only worked here 42 years." (True)


And, the last words of a

Chicago

mob boss murdered on the course, where the shooter had been told to kill the first man to step on the 8th tee, "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9".  (Based on a true story, cannot confirm those were his last words.)

[V. Kmetz]

Recently, a young head pro, new import to the Met Section was gaslighted by some of the vets, when they told him that the first section meeting was at Mosholu...they told him to wear golf clothes as the meeting would be short and they would head out for play immediately after...


Most of you, like this newbie pro, have no idea that Mosholu is a dilapidated dust bowl-muni-cum-driving range-executive course in the North Bronx that is so seedy, the pull carts have tag graffiti on them.


Well of course our hero shows up outside the Woodlawn train station across the street, toting his staff bag in his Rickie Fowler best...you know...neon creme-sicle shirt, white belt, slacks that you cut your finger on the pleat... and there he is an hour later asking the guests at a Afro-Caribbean (all dressed in white I'm told, who didn;t speak anytinng but patois) if they know where the golf meeting is?


Welcome to the Section!

[V. Kmetz]

When I was a caddiemaster, I would (at various tournament times) be peppered with the usual pleas for "a good caddie, one who can read the greens, etc"...


Well, after 16 years of this, you get kinda tired matching their "gin-up" for the Governors Cup, you know?


So, one day I started using this answer....


1. Pretend I was trying to recall the past on the tip of my tongue "Hey I was just thinking of the guy...do you remember who won last years Gov Cup in your flight?"


2. They invariably answer, "No."


3. And then look at him/her "Well, don;t worry, they'll forget THIS year's winner too! Enjoy!"


4. If they looked offended (as some ladies did) I would alter course and remind them, "C'mon, you were a winner when you drove in the gate!"


I'm proud that the line has taken exponential legs, as I hear it once in a while in my now-rank-and-file duties.

[Ira Fishman]

Ira,


Best response I ever saw was a guy who whiffed on tee no. 1 a few times.  Stepped back and said, "They were right, this IS a tough course!"


I have told my funny stories recently, so I will just leave the punch lines


St. Andrews caddie, "I've never seen that before, but I've only worked here 42 years." (True)


And, the last words of a

Chicago

mob boss murdered on the course, where the shooter had been told to kill the first man to step on the 8th tee, "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9".  (Based on a true story, cannot confirm those were his last words.)

We used to play that course. Right off of Milwaukee Avenue in Wheeling, but cannot remember the name. Pretty good layout. I heard the same story but of course never could confirm it.


And very quick witted on part of guy who whiffed.


Ira

[archie_struthers]

 




How about the guy says sorry I never play this bad to which the caddy retorts no worries you were much worse yesterday

[Ira Fishman]

How about the guy says sorry I never play this bad to which the caddy retorts no worries you were much worse yesterday

When we played Ballybunion, I had a lot of sympathy for my caddie because my partner had no business playing the course (and I am pretty mediocre). As we walked off of 18, I asked him if we were the worst American group for which he carried. He looked me straight in the eye to reply, "No, but you are top five."


Ira

[Mark Smolens]

Ira,


Best response I ever saw was a guy who whiffed on tee no. 1 a few times.  Stepped back and said, "They were right, this IS a tough course!"


I have told my funny stories recently, so I will just leave the punch lines


St. Andrews caddie, "I've never seen that before, but I've only worked here 42 years." (True)


And, the last words of a

Chicago

mob boss murdered on the course, where the shooter had been told to kill the first man to step on the 8th tee, "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9".  (Based on a true story, cannot confirm those were his last words.)

We used to play that course. Right off of Milwaukee Avenue in Wheeling, but cannot remember the name. Pretty good layout. I heard the same story but of course never could confirm it.


And very quick witted on part of guy who whiffed.


Ira

Chevy Chase? Probably first time it has ever been described as a "pretty good layout." Nice bar, cold beer, but hardhats required during outings due to parallel fairways. . .

[Ira Fishman]

Ira,


Best response I ever saw was a guy who whiffed on tee no. 1 a few times.  Stepped back and said, "They were right, this IS a tough course!"


I have told my funny stories recently, so I will just leave the punch lines


St. Andrews caddie, "I've never seen that before, but I've only worked here 42 years." (True)


And, the last words of a

Chicago

mob boss murdered on the course, where the shooter had been told to kill the first man to step on the 8th tee, "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9".  (Based on a true story, cannot confirm those were his last words.)

We used to play that course. Right off of Milwaukee Avenue in Wheeling, but cannot remember the name. Pretty good layout. I heard the same story but of course never could confirm it.


And very quick witted on part of guy who whiffed.


Ira

Chevy Chase? Probably first time it has ever been described as a "pretty good layout." Nice bar, cold beer, but hardhats required during outings due to parallel fairways. . .

Yep, that is the course. As you may have seen above, I grew up playing Chicago Park District courses so Chevy Chase was a big step up. Reportedly owned by the Mob; hence, Jeff's story about the 9th tee.


Ira

[Jeff_Brauer]

Ira,


I was aware of Chevy Chase, as KN did some work there.  Trap door at the covered entry where Gonella bread trucks would deliver whisky without being seen, spin around booths to hid gamblers at the touch of a button, a hallway that leads (now) nowhere that no one can figure out, and tunnels that exit at the far end of the course, far beyond where police would think to look.  But, my story  happened on the south side in about 1975 or so.  Another Chicagoan looked up the details a few years back when I posted it.  The hit was true, but it appeared the actual story of an non golfer DA questioning a participant and wondering how the shooter knew who to hit - first guy on tee, so he had the honors - was more likely a part of club lore.  Doesn't matter, if the story isn't true.....it ought to be!


The new section member story rings true.  My first day as a summer maintenance intern, I was assigned to "clean the pesticide tank" which seemed odd to me, but they handed me a brush and pail of soapy water.  I can tell you that inside that big tank, their laughter was magnified 10X and I got right out.  These days, I suspect that joke would be considered criminal.


A safer prank was the second day, when I was first assigned to change cups and tees, which included raising the flag.  The superintendent (the assistant pulled the prank the day before) showed me a guy having coffee on the porch.  He said he was a veteran who donated a lot of money to the course (city owned, I should have been suspicious) and that his only request was that we salute the flag when it ran up the flag pole, so I put it up, stood back and smartly saluted.  About 20 people came from nowhere to laugh at it.  I mean, this was 1973, height of Vietnam anti sentiment and all, and fewer folks thought to salute.  A nice laugh at my expense.


I wonder if any sport or area of interest spurs as many good stories as golf?  Fishing? All center on the one that got away.  Opera, can't think of too many opera jokes, etc.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh at yourself, IMHO.

[John Kavanaugh]

I wonder if any sport or area of interest spurs as many good stories as golf?  Fishing? All center on the one that got away.  Opera, can't think of too many opera jokes, etc.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh at yourself, IMHO.

Ever had sex? Nothing funnier or greater in number than a good dick joke. As a matter of fact there has never been a caddie joke told where the the comeback "Just like sucking ..." isn't appropriate. If you don't believe me just go back through every joke told on this thread.

[Ira Fishman]

Ira,


I was aware of Chevy Chase, as KN did some work there.  Trap door at the covered entry where Gonella bread trucks would deliver whisky without being seen, spin around booths to hid gamblers at the touch of a button, a hallway that leads (now) nowhere that no one can figure out, and tunnels that exit at the far end of the course, far beyond where police would think to look.  But, my story  happened on the south side in about 1975 or so.  Another Chicagoan looked up the details a few years back when I posted it.  The hit was true, but it appeared the actual story of an non golfer DA questioning a participant and wondering how the shooter knew who to hit - first guy on tee, so he had the honors - was more likely a part of club lore.  Doesn't matter, if the story isn't true.....it ought to be!


The new section member story rings true.  My first day as a summer maintenance intern, I was assigned to "clean the pesticide tank" which seemed odd to me, but they handed me a brush and pail of soapy water.  I can tell you that inside that big tank, their laughter was magnified 10X and I got right out.  These days, I suspect that joke would be considered criminal.


A safer prank was the second day, when I was first assigned to change cups and tees, which included raising the flag.  The superintendent (the assistant pulled the prank the day before) showed me a guy having coffee on the porch.  He said he was a veteran who donated a lot of money to the course (city owned, I should have been suspicious) and that his only request was that we salute the flag when it ran up the flag pole, so I put it up, stood back and smartly saluted.  About 20 people came from nowhere to laugh at it.  I mean, this was 1973, height of Vietnam anti sentiment and all, and fewer folks thought to salute.  A nice laugh at my expense.


I wonder if any sport or area of interest spurs as many good stories as golf?  Fishing? All center on the one that got away.  Opera, can't think of too many opera jokes, etc.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh at yourself, IMHO.

Jeff, yes Lincolnshire CC in Crete. 1981. Guy lived.


But glad that part of my memory about Chevy Chase is correct.


Ira

[John Kavanaugh]

I’m fascinated by the number of ants in Florida. Of all the insects ants would make the best caddies. What do you think would be the favorite joke in an ant caddy shack?

[John Kavanaugh]

Ant to Caddy Master: Please don’t give me Manny’s bag, he is a horrible tipper.


Caddy Master: No problem, the lice’s cousin loves Manny’s bag.

[John Kavanaugh]

Player: Hey Ant does this putt break one cup or two?


Ant: Wake up asshole. They haven’t cut the greens in a week. I can’t see my ass from a hole in the ground.

[John Kavanaugh]

Player: Hey Ant how about fixing that gash in my line.


Ant: We are getting married next week, you fix her.

[SL_Solow]

Ira and Jeff,  Lincolnshire is correct.  As for Chevy Chase, it is now the property of the Wheeling Park District.  Clubhouse is intact and now hosts various social events,

[John Kavanaugh]

I will be interviewing crickets for my next caddie gig.

[PGertner]

Still waiting for your book on caddy stories from PV, Archie. Would be a blast.....

[Ted Sturges]

This one is not so much a funny story, but an unbelievable (and true) golf story.  And John K. will get a kick out of this because it happened in Evansville, IN.  This is easily the strangest thing that has ever happened to me on a golf course.


In the late 90's, I was a member at Evansville C.C., in Evansville, IN.  I'm playing with 3 of my usuals on a late Thursday afternoon.  We've had a nice round as there was literally nobody else on the course this particular day, as we teed off well into the afternoon.  We get to 17, which is a par 5, the green sitting way up on top of a hill.  Our group has arrived at the green, putters in hand, when I pull the flag and drop it onto the back of the putting green.  Out of nowhere, a guy in a golf cart appears in the landing area below, 100 yards away, at the bottom of the hill.  This was odd, because the back nine goes out and back, and we never saw this guy prior to this moment.  So, I'm watching the guy as he is looking up at us, and he pulls a club.  One of my buddies is about to putt when I see the guy address his ball and go into his waggle.  After two or three waggles, he pulls the trigger.  Mind you, nobody in our group waved him up, and the flag is not in the hole.  The other 3 guys were not paying attention to him like I was, and I shout "Watch out!...that guy just hit up to the green!"


We all scurry to get off the green as the ball approaches the green.  This is where it gets weird...


The ball lands on the green, takes one bounce, settles into a nice roll...and goes into the hole!  Understand, that this douche' doesn't even know where the hole was because the flag is out!


We are all stunned at what we just saw.  The guy drives his cart up the hill, parks, gets out with his putter, and I say, "You don't need your putter, the ball went in the hole."  The guy doesn't say a word, walks across the green, pulls his ball out of the hole, and goes back to his cart and drives up a few more feet to the 18th tee and tees off.  Normally, one or more of us would have read the guy the riot act because he could have killed us...but the damn ball went in the hole and we are all basically speechless!


We watch him tee off, and then we putt out on 17, and then play 18 to finish our round.  We didn't see the guy finishing 18 as the putting green is out of sight from the tee.  When we went into the 19th hole, our sanity restored, we were going to set this guy straight...but he wasn't in the 19th hole, in fact, we never saw him again...and none of us recognized the guy (and we knew pretty much every member at ECC).  To this day, one of my buddies playing in my group that day swears he was a ghost.


TS

[Jeff_Brauer]

After mentioning Jay Morrish yesterday, I started thinking of the many funny stories he told over the years.  Among the best was one about Jack Nicklaus in a pre "all of Europe" Ryder Cup somewhere in GBI.  His opponent was an virtually unknown Englishman, but Jack made sure he knew his record, and shook hands on the tee, reciting some facts he knew, and graciously saying it was going to be a great match. 


Then, Barbara, who was standing nearby, asked when he would be done, and forgetting the guy was still standing there, Jack says, "Bring the car around to the 12th hole, I'm sure I will be done by then,"  undoing all the gracious behavior of a few minutes before.


Another time, Jack had all his employees go to a violin recital of one of his kids, who put in a miserable performance.  Knowing violin strings were made from cat gut, Jay says, "It's a shame a good cat had to die for THAT."


RIP, Jay Morrish.  I could listen to you retell a story the tenth time and it would be more entertaining than most of us telling a story for the first time.

[Steve Salmen]

In 2006 I took a friend to Scotland to play golf.  He had never been to the UK.  We arrived and played Machrihanish in the afternoon, stayed in Campbeltown, and played Machrihanish the next morning.  We then took a ferry to Islay and arrived at the Machrie early in the evening. 


We went straight to the pro shop to book golf for the next day, needing to start early in order to play 36.  The ferry departed at 2:30 and we were to drive to Dornoch (Winick would be proud). The pro was leaving for the day and I asked if we could tee off at 6.  He said, "Show up half six and we'll get you out."  I mentioned again that we were on a tight schedule and if it would be ok to tee off at 6.  "Show up half six," I agreed politely and we left.


My friend is a quiet, intellectual guy, but when we rounded the corner, he grabbed me and got right in my face and said, "What the f... is wrong with you?"  "What are you talking about?" I replied.  "The old bastard is talking about showing up and having sex, and you're into it!!"  I paused, "You idiot, half six is six thirty."

[archie_struthers]

 


Notice Pat Gert made an appearance here today. Taught me plenty and endured a myriad of questions. My hat remains off to all you guys who work so hard to make it fun for all us."   Supes "are some of the most innovative guys you will ever meet. They regularly  are asked to make the loaves and fishes deal 


Maybe poll the guys here someday for one, enjoy the banter even when I am the object ball.

[Joe Bausch]

This one is not so much a funny story, but an unbelievable (and true) golf story.  And John K. will get a kick out of this because it happened in Evansville, IN.  This is easily the strangest thing that has ever happened to me on a golf course.


In the late 90's, I was a member at Evansville C.C., in Evansville, IN.  I'm playing with 3 of my usuals on a late Thursday afternoon.  We've had a nice round as there was literally nobody else on the course this particular day, as we teed off well into the afternoon.  We get to 17, which is a par 5, the green sitting way up on top of a hill.  Our group has arrived at the green, putters in hand, when I pull the flag and drop it onto the back of the putting green.  Out of nowhere, a guy in a golf cart appears in the landing area below, 100 yards away, at the bottom of the hill.  This was odd, because the back nine goes out and back, and we never saw this guy prior to this moment.  So, I'm watching the guy as he is looking up at us, and he pulls a club.  One of my buddies is about to putt when I see the guy address his ball and go into his waggle.  After two or three waggles, he pulls the trigger.  Mind you, nobody in our group waved him up, and the flag is not in the hole.  The other 3 guys were not paying attention to him like I was, and I shout "Watch out!...that guy just hit up to the green!"


We all scurry to get off the green as the ball approaches the green.  This is where it gets weird...


The ball lands on the green, takes one bounce, settles into a nice roll...and goes into the hole!  Understand, that this douche' doesn't even know where the hole was because the flag is out!


We are all stunned at what we just saw.  The guy drives his cart up the hill, parks, gets out with his putter, and I say, "You don't need your putter, the ball went in the hole."  The guy doesn't say a word, walks across the green, pulls his ball out of the hole, and goes back to his cart and drives up a few more feet to the 18th tee and tees off.  Normally, one or more of us would have read the guy the riot act because he could have killed us...but the damn ball went in the hole and we are all basically speechless!


We watch him tee off, and then we putt out on 17, and then play 18 to finish our round.  We didn't see the guy finishing 18 as the putting green is out of sight from the tee.  When we went into the 19th hole, our sanity restored, we were going to set this guy straight...but he wasn't in the 19th hole, in fact, we never saw him again...and none of us recognized the guy (and we knew pretty much every member at ECC).  To this day, one of my buddies playing in my group that day swears he was a ghost.


TS

Whew!  Glad my shot went in!

[Ryan Hillenbrand]

Legend has it that he developed his short game chipping into empty Campbell's Soup cans on his back yard "course."  Doesn't get more South Jersey than that (if true).

Too bad there wasn’t instagram back then, he would have been a social media darling