Golf and I have not gone through a divorce - but as a practical matter, it has been more of a trial separation. How is it possible a guy who had his own seat in the Men's Bar be so unenthusiastic about diving back into that opium den? The truth is, the list of things golf can "do without" has started to eclipse the reasons we subject ourselves to this maddening exercise.
First off, I put the bats on my shoulder to commune with nature, not listen to your fucking ghetto blaster. And no, I am not impressed with your bootleg recording of Stairway to Heaven. Further, if you're going to bring Bambi Blonde along to gasp at your manly blasts, tell her to lose the heels before she starts with the selfies on the green.
And while we are on the subject of greens, these Stimpmeter measurements of club penis length has gone past insanity. Golf could "do without" cups cut into the side of a contour - on a green Stimping at 13. Since everybody plays money games (except me) - because the game itself is evidently not enough to hold your attention - there are so many side bets, everyone must play each hole to the bitter end.
Golf could also "do without" constant arbitrary rough lines, often leaving deep grass in front of a bunker - along the line of play. Or the opening of a putting surface having a swath of deep rough to stifle any run-up shot. I'm watching this 13th Beach Golf Links on the Euro Tour and it looks like heaven. Golf can "do without" rough at all on the amateur level.
Even before I became a fat old grouch and could actually play this game a little, I felt rough was a nuisance that adds nothing to the game. Since I am standing alarmingly close to my tee shot after the ball stops rolling these days, the idea of hacking my Top Flite out of the cabbage all day has the same allure as hemorrhoid surgery.
And the one thing that golf could "do without" that irritates the shit out of me is the gross lack of generosity amongst upper echelon memberships. We do a great job at Olympic - the place is crawling with high school and college teams - but I don't see that kind of commitment from enough clubs. In the end, this selfish attitude - "you can only play Monday, when the course is closed" - demeans the game.
The Libertarian in me says clubs ought to do as they please, but that does not mean we have to approve of what they do. What the USGA ought to be doing - aside from the First Tee - is challenge each local golf association and their member clubs to seek out a local high school team and give them some afternoon playing privileges. How about some of the more enthusiastic members caddy for the kids during their home matches?
In other words, golf could "do without" all the snobby exclusivity, and be nicer to kids so that - God forbid - they have somebody to emulate besides Joe Six-Pack at the local muni. Nothing against the hoi polloi, but if every muni player behaved like those of us brought along with the traditional values of our game, it would do society a lot of good - especially given the fact that, clearly, both major political parties in America are now led by mentally ill sociopaths.