Way OT - Need a great golf joke for a dinner presentation

[Garland Bayley]

...
Husband’s Diary:

        A four-putt. Who the hell four-putts?

This of course reminds of Seve's quote answering "how did you four-putt?"

I miss.
I miss.
I miss.
I make.

[archie_struthers]

 

A guy get done playing golf early Saturday and is sitting with his mates having a beer. He can't help noticing this beautiful young woman . sitting at the bar staring at him . It continues and he finally walks over asks her if she know him . She says no but she would like to. He says he's married and she says , so what .

He feels guilty but she is exquisite and he sneaks of with her to a nearby motel and they spend a few blissful hours making love.

He gets home around 3 pm ,  and when his spouse asks him why he's so late he breaks down and tells her the whole sordid story ! She turns , gives him that look , and says. Bad enough you played an extra nine, you don't have to lie about it!

[Michael Whitaker]

Q: Why do the Clemson Tigers wear Orange golf shirts?

A: So they can finish their round, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Damn... he's right!

[Brian_Ewen]

The classic Henry Longhurst story   

When struggling climbing a TV commentary tower after have imbibed more than several gins and tonic, he was asked by his producer:

"Are you going to be all right, today, Henry?"

"Yes!  Just as long as they don't pair Hunt and Coles."

[Mark_Rowlinson]

A Catholic priest, Baptist minister and a Rabbi meet regularly on a Monday morning to play golf together. On one particular Monday morning their round took 3 hours longer than usual. They stormed off the final green to complain to the Secretary.

'I'm terribly sorry,' said the Secretary, 'but the visiting party were blind golfers.'

'I didn't realise,' said the Catholic priest, 'I must immediately go to confession.'

'Thank you, Lord, for showing yourself to me in this way,' said the Baptist minister.

The Rabbi simply asked, 'Couldn't they have played in the dark?'

[Jim Lipstate]

A traveling golfer schedules a round of golf in South Africa at a high end club. He is introduced to his caddie for the round who asks him what his handicap is. He is really an 18 but fudges a little and replies 16. They reach the first hole and his caddie says,"This hole is a par four dogleg right but I advise staying away from the trees on the right". With that the golfer slices his drive and starts to walk into the trees to find his ball. Seconds later a shot rings out just overhead. He looks back to see the caddie holding a smoking rifle. "Sir, in those trees was a black mamba. Deadliest snake in Africa. Not to worry as I shot him before he could strike". He proceeds to make a shaky bogey.

"This next hole is a par five dogleg left. Its best to avoid the tall grass to the left". With that the golfer hooks his drive into the tall stuff and is only a short way into the brush when he hears a second shot whistle past his ear. Looking back he agains sees his caddie rifle in hand who tells him, "Sir, there was a lion the bush ready to pounce on you but not to fear. My shot ran him off". He makes a double bogey on the hole.

"This next hole is a par three fronted by a pond. Shortest hole on the course". The golfer's shot clears the pond but only by a fraction. As he studies his chip shot onto the green a crocodile lunges out of the pond grabbing the golfer by the ankle and dragging him into the water. A titanic struggle ensues in the water, as golfer and crocodile struggle mightily. After a few minutes the golfer battered, bleeding and bruised manages to pull himself onto dry land and looks back at the caddie breathlessly asking, "Why didn't you shoot the crocodile?". The caddie replies," I couldn't Sir. This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot".

Never lie about your handicap.

[RJ_Daley]

I'll vote for Jim's.  Best mixed company joke yet... 

[Garland Bayley]

A Catholic priest human resources manager, Baptist minister ophthalmologist  and a Rabbi software engineer meet regularly on a Monday morning to play golf together. On one particular Monday morning their round took 3 hours longer than usual. They stormed off the final green to complain to the Secretary.

'I'm terribly sorry,' said the Secretary, 'but the visiting party were blind golfers.'

'I didn't realise,' said the Catholic priest human resource manager, 'here are four of my business cards, my company has positions for blind people. Have them give me a call if they are looking for employment.'

'After giving him his business cards' said the Baptist minister the ophthalmologist said exams and corrective surgery are on the house with me.

The Rabbi software engineer simply asked, 'Couldn't they have played in the dark?'

A Catholic priest, Baptist minister and a Rabbi meet regularly on a Monday morning to play golf together go fishing. On one particular Monday morning the fish were not biting at all. The Catholic priest got out of the boat walked across the water looking down into the water and returned to the boat reporting there were plenty of fish down there. After another hour with no bites, the Baptist minister did likewise. As time dragged on the Rabbi started to get very nervous. Eventually after an hour and a half with still no bites, he figured he better give it a go, so got out of the boat and sank immediately to the bottom. While he was floundering around in the water the Catholic priest says to the Baptist minister, "Do you think we should tell this fool where the rocks we walk on are?"

[Colin Macqueen]

GJ,

I may be over-thinking this a bit much but your wee joke seems to have deeper meanings and significance!

For one the use of the word "floundering" in this tale of fishermen is a very sneaky pun.
Secondly have you just taken a course in semiotics!  So there are fishermen and St. Peter was a fisherman and designated as a "fisher  of men". To boot Peter was the Rock upon which Christ founded his Church and here we have hidden rocks in your joke! Thus is a beauty of a joke and I think will provide the greatest entertainment and discussion at Mike Whitaker's do.

Am I beard-pulling a bit too much here!!

Cheers Col

[V. Kmetz]

I couldn't resist:

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog replies,"Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

cheers

vk

[Michael Whitaker]

Thanks to all for your submissions. Some great laughs in there and a couple that I can definitely use... with a tweak or two. 

Cheers!!!

[Carl Johnson]

Actually There are a good number of slang terms for golf shots. Here are some UK ones below. Guess you could get quite a story together with them.


A Sally Gunnell: Ugly but will run well
A Paula Radcliffe: Not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but will run for miles
A Condom: Safe but didn’t feel really good
. . .

A Pippa Middleton: You just want to smack it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)

Let me just add:

A "Son in Law": not quite what you were hoping for
A Mother in Law: Looks good leaving
A Sister in Law: You're on it, but you know you shouldn't be

And, just heard this yesterday:

An Ann-Margret: Looked really good for a long time.

[John Kavanaugh]

No one has ever told a joke that was too short.

[Michael Whitaker]

Most jokes state a bitter truth.

[Joe Fairey]

Good Ole 'Mike....

 .....I really look forward to hearing the final product on Saturday night....I know
it will be great...!!    see ya Sat...

[Michael Felton]

One which wound up being a part of an advert on TV, so probably everyone knows it, although I suspect it will be near and dear to the hearts of many on here.

Young whippersnapper goes out to play a quick round on his own and there's an old guy standing on the first tee getting ready to play. The kid comes up and the old guy asks him if he'd like to join him. The youngster agrees and off they go.

He's playing the best round of his life and they get to 18 and the kid is 2 under par. He's never broken par before and is a little excited. Hits his tee shot on 18 behind a large tree on the right side of the fairway. He pulls out a wedge and is getting ready to chip it out into the fairway and the old guy says to him:

"hang on son, when I was your age, I would have taken an 8 iron and hit it over that tree".

The youngster looks at him and says "no way".

The old guy says "no, really, when I was your age I would have hit an 8 iron over that tree and onto the green". So the kid looks at him again and pulls his 8 iron out and plays to hit it over the tree.

The ball clatters into the branches and bounces back to the guy's feet. He looks over at the old guy with a look of surprise and confusion and the old guy says:

"of course, when I was your age, that tree was only 6 feet tall"

[Michael Whitaker]

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess:  I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to weaken your grip!"

[Matthew Mollica]

Actually There are a good number of slang terms for golf shots. Here are some UK ones below. Guess you could get quite a story together with them.


A Sally Gunnell: Ugly but will run well
A Paula Radcliffe: Not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but will run for miles
A Condom: Safe but didn’t feel really good
. . .

A Pippa Middleton: You just want to smack it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)

Let me just add:

A "Son in Law": not quite what you were hoping for
A Mother in Law: Looks good leaving
A Sister in Law: You're on it, but you know you shouldn't be

And, just heard this yesterday:

An Ann-Margret: Looked really good for a long time.

A Lance Armstrong : Lost a ball and started cheating.