Way OT - Need a great golf joke for a dinner presentation

[Bob_Huntley]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."


Others at http://my.en.com/~kjm/battle.html

Dan.

Liked it but it has more heft with "What a coincidence".

Bob

[Michael Whitaker]

Mike

do you want a short joke,or a long joke?

I attach the short joke below.  The long joke (the snails joke) does work very well, as long as the audience either golfs or is married to a male golfer. I won't post that one unless you want a long joke.

The short joke.

A gentleman at a prestigious, exclusive and old-world club was speaking to the Club Secretary about eligibility for a forthcoming event.

Gentleman.  My wife doesn't play golf. I was wondering whether I could play in the husbands and wifes fourball next week with my mistress as my partner.

Secretary.  I am not sure what the relevant conditions are sir, I will check the Club by-laws.

shortly afterwards .....

Secretary.  Sir, I have checked the Club by-laws, and I believe you can enter the husbands and wifes fourball with your mistress, as long as she is a wife of a member.

James - Yes, please give me the long one, too. Thanks!

[Michael Whitaker]

And that's when the lights went out!

Bingo! Bango! Bongo!

[Brett Morris]

Oldie but a goodie:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in complete astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Garland Bayley]

One day Jesus Christ was bored so he decided to go down to earth and play Augusta National; he brought St. Peter to caddy. As they stood on the 12th tee Jesus asked St. Peter: what does Arnold Palmer hit here? St. Peter replied that Arnie uses an 8 iron but I think its a 7 iron for you. No replied Jesus hand me the 8. He proceeded to come up short in the water. Jesus told St. Peter to hand him another ball because they weren't leaving until he hits the green with the 8. Soon many groups started piling up on the tee as Jesus tried unsuccessfully, over and over, to make the carry. Finally one of the golfers asked St. Peter what club he was using. When he told him he was using an 8 the golfer replied no mortal can make that carry with an 8, who does he think he is Jesus Christ? Oh no replied St. Peter, he think's he's Arnold Palmer!

Pete, you messed that one up.

It was actually the 16th, and he hit his first in the water, and proceeded to walk out on the water looking for his ball. Then someone came up and asked "who does ...

[Bill Brightly]

12th at Augusta. Jesus pulls 8 iron, Moses says "I think you need 7." Jesus says "nah, 8 is plenty" and comes up short in the water. Moses starts to chuckle. Then a largemouth bass picks up the ball and spits it out on the bank. Snapping turtle carries the ball to the fairway. Then a rabbit hops out from the woods and nudges the ball onto the green. Jesus says, "see, told you 8 was enough." Moses: " we playing golf today or do you want to screw around?"

[Mike Hendren]

Did you hear the one about the Clemson alum who fell off the ball washer?

[Curtis Woods]

Husband and Wife go out to play golf one afternoon. On the first tee, Husband tees off first, swings, and shanks it on a line drive that hits Wife in the temple and she drops dead. The police come, tape off the area, conduct interviews and generally investigate.  The detective in charge comes over to Husband and asks if he can go over his statement with him.  "Sure," says Husband.  "Well," says the detective, "I've reviewed your statement to the investigating officer, and I'm a little confused.  You say you teed of first, shanked your tee ball, it went on a line drive and hit your wife in the head and she dropped dead."  "That's correct," Husband responded.  "Well," responded the detective, "when we inspected your wife's body, we found a second ball lodged in her rectum.  Can you explain that?"  "Sure," said Husband, "I took a mulligan!"

[archie_struthers]

Trevino used to tell  this one about one of the kunis he played.

Two guys who liked to gamble were out playing and betting it up pretty good ,. As they were approaching one of the greens Jim notices a guy lurking in the trees left of the green . He immediately asks his buddy how much he was down in the match and promptly pays him whip out money. Sure enough when they get to the green the guy lurking in the trees steps out and robs them .  The one time fast pay didn't make for good friends. 

[Jeff_Brauer]

This one is mostly true,

There was a mob hit on a south side Chicago golf course.  Feds figured it was his playing partners, because it was on the 8th tee, and they played in fairly non plussed.

They got one of the partners to turn state's witness.  The prosecution attorney was a young guy who didn't golf.

When the witness took the stand, he said that they told the hit man to shoot the first guy on the tee.  The non golfer attorney asked how they guaranteed it would be the intended mark.  Witness relates the concept of the honor, so the attorney asks if he was the best golfer.

Witness: We were about even, and when Johnny topped his tee shot on 7, I had to duck hook, slice, lose a ball, etc.  Frankie took five putts with a fake sneeze.  Another just picked up. 

According to the court testimony, the victims last words were "I can't believe I won that hole with a 9."

[Dan Kelly]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."


Others at http://my.en.com/~kjm/battle.html

Dan.

Liked it but it has more heft with "What a coincidence".

Bob

Bob -- Agreed. Of course, I didn't write it; I just copy/pasted it.

Dan

[Michael Essig]

I've told this one many times, to golfers, non golfers and in mixed company.  It's long.

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter.

He took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “Ah, that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played a round?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

[Garland Bayley]

I've told this one many times, to golfers, non golfers and in mixed company.  It's long.

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter.

He took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “Ah, that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played a round?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Unfortunately, everyone, and I mean everyone, has heard that one.

[jeffwarne]

I've told this one many times, to golfers, non golfers and in mixed company.  It's long.

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter.

He took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “Ah, that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played a round?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Unfortunately, everyone, and I mean everyone, has heard that one.

That's actually about the only one on this thread I HADN'T neard

[Garland Bayley]

For one I doubt many have heard is what I believe to be a true story related here on this website by a member.

Player takes a trip to the British Isles to play some of that rare commodity, links golf. Upon arrival without sleeping overnight he grabs his clubs and a rental car and drives in haste to the links course of his dreams, finds he can get on the course ASAP, pays his green fee, and hires a caddy and head to the first tee in not the finest shape he could have been in.

On the first hole he hits it wide and his caddy is able to locate the ball, after which he scraps it about eventually on to the green and into a hole. On the second hole, he takes three strokes to just get out of a pot bunker, and also takes a big number. On the third hole he has a few minor mishaps and is beginning to feel his game. The fourth hole it turns out is a short par 5, and he finally swings his driver pure sending it to his target in the fairway. From there he nails an excellent shot to a couple of feet for an eagle putt. At that point, he turns to his caddy and says, "I bet you don't see many nine woods like that." Caddy pans a response, "only from the ladies, sir, only from the ladies."

[Garland Bayley]

I've told this one many times, to golfers, non golfers and in mixed company.  It's long.

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigarettes and a lighter.

He took a cigarette, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “Ah, that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played a round?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Unfortunately, everyone, and I mean everyone, has heard that one.

That's actually about the only one on this thread I HADN'T neard

You need to get out more.

[jeffwarne]

GJ
I can't even "get out" my door right now
8 more inches on top of the 2 feet that were already there

[Matthew Mollica]

A foursome were walking the course, and the topic of the possibility of homosexual members of their club arose. One gentleman suggests there are several such members of the club, launching into a story

Years ago, I was walking down the twelfth hole, heading toward the trees on the right, after having sliced my drive. Within the trees, I was confronted with two fellow members, with their hands all over one another, totally naked. I asked 'What the hell is going on?' One of the men said - 'Well, Jim was having chest pains, and had stopped breathing'. I replied - 'Well, you're supposed to give him mouth to mouth then!' to which he retorted, 'I know! That's how all this started!!!'.

[Jeff Spittel]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Bill_McBride]

Whitty, do you have your joke yet?   

[Michael Whitaker]

Whitty, do you have your joke yet?   

Maybe.

[Dan Boerger]

May not qualify for a mixed audience ... but here goes ...

Tell the audience you now watch the Masters every April for the same reason you used to read Playboy magazine as a teenager.

You get to look at beautiful full-color pictures of places you will never visit.

[Garland Bayley]

Then there is the one about the man how happens to get paired for a round with a very attractive woman.

He is so impressed with her game that he arranges to play additional round with here.

Eventually they are playing mixed couples events, and he is buying her expensive gifts and dinners.

They even became a bit intimate but never fully intimate as she always stopped his more aggressive advances.

Finally he could wait no longer, bought the big diamond and got down on a knee as proposed to her.

At that point she knew she had to be honest, so she disclosed that she really was a cross dressing man.

His response?

"Why you big cheat! You have been playing from the red tees all this time.

[Rick Shefchik]

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I   suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,   as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.. He continued to seem distant and absent.   Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

        A four-putt. Who the hell four-putts?

[Tom ORourke]

4 men have an annual trip to St. Andrews for 20 years until this year when one guy says his wife will not let him go. The other 3 go and pull into town and go to the local pub. To their surprise their buddy is there waiting. "What happened?" "Well, my wife went to see 50 Shades of Grey. When she was done she went out and bought some whips, chains, and rope and a leather negligee. She had me chain and tie her to the bed and then said, 'Okay honey. You can do whatever you want.'"