[Michael Whitaker]

I need your help!!!

I've got to make a presentation at a dinner meeting on Saturday, March 14 and need a great golf related joke that would be acceptable to a mixed audience.

Any ideas?

[Jason Thurman]

You're playing a match. Tied on the 18th hole. Your opponent hits a ball into the woods and you help him look for it for a few minutes. Suddenly, behind you, you hear him call out "Found it!" He plays a low punch under the trees and knocks it on the green.

Do you pull his ball out of your pocket and call the cheating SOB out, or not?

[Gary Sato]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ....
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ..."What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[Kevin_Reilly]

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

[John Kavanaugh]

Q: Why do the Clemson Tigers wear Orange golf shirts?

A: So they can finish their round, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

[Stephen Davis]

Wife: How was golf today?

Husband: It was terrible! Larry had a heart attack on the 16th hole.

Wife: That is awful!

Husband: Tell me about it! From that point on it was, Hit the ball, drag Larry, Hit the ball, drag Larry.

[Marc Haring]

Man plays a round of golf in a mixed foresomes tournament. They get to 16 and she slices in the woods. He gets there and she say’s chip out sideways. He say’s “just a minute, in front of us is this big greenkeepers shed. If we open the front and back doors, I might have a shot through”.  She objects but he opens the doors and sure enough there’s a clear path through. She objects even more vocally but he insists he’s going to have a go. He swings. The ball goes through the first door and looks like it’s going to get all the way through but strikes a beam, flies back, hits her on the head and she dies.
Two years later he’s getting back into the game and is playing in the monthly medal. They get to 16 and his playing partner slices right into the woods again. He say’s to him, “better chip out sideways” but his playing partner says, “just a minute, if I open the front and rear doors of that shed I might have a clear shot through”. He replies, “on no account play that shot. I did that two years ago and it ended in tragedy”. “What happened” said the partner.
“I took 6”

[Gary Sato]

1. A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."


2. A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
 
The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington, DC, that included Barack Obama. Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote democratic in the next election."
 
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass,not my head."

3. Feherty Quotes:
 
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the
strongest muscle in his body."
 
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped
in bacon."
 
"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week.
He is attending the birth of his next wife."
 
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
 
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -
"VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."
(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
 
"That's a great shot with that swing."
 
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
 
At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day.
The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
 
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
 
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
 
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".
 
4. THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC:
 
[PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS]
 
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
 
That's bloody scary...
 
It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!

[Marc Haring]

A regular four ball of octegenarian golfers are playing St Enodoc in there usual wednesday game. They get to the famous 10th hole and as they play it a funeral procession makes it's way across the fairway to the 11th century church. One of the group immediatly bows his head and takes his hat off as the procession passes. The others in the group remark what a lovely gesture that was. The man replies, "it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 60 years"!

[Dan Kelly]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

Others at http://my.en.com/~kjm/battle.html

[Marc Haring]

Actually There are a good number of slang terms for golf shots. Here are some UK ones below. Guess you could get quite a story together with them.


A Sally Gunnell: Ugly but will run well
A Paula Radcliffe: Not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but will run for miles
A Condom: Safe but didn’t feel really good
A Glenn Miller: Kept low and didn’t make it over the water
A Yasser Arafat: Ugly and in the sand
An O J Simpson: Got away with it
A Princess Grace: Should have taken a driver
A Michael Jackson: Gradually fading (going off line)
A Douglas Bader: Looked good in the air but didn’t have the legs
A Ken Livingstone: Way off left
A Jean-Marie Le Pen: Too far right
An Arsene Wenger: Everyone saw where it went but you
A Kate Winslet: A little bit fat, but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss: A but thin
A Michael Barrymore: A long iron
A Russell Grant: A fat iron
A Gerry Adams: A Provisional (playing a second shot if you think your first is lost)
A Wilfred Bramwell: A thin iron
A Peter Mandelson: An unbelievable iron
An Arthur Scargill: A great strike but a poor result
A Son-in-law: Not what you wanted but it’ll do
An Eva Braun: Picked up in the bunker
A Saddam Hussain: Go from bunker to bunker
A Chuck Berry: (In the trees) no particular place to go
A Red October: Underwater and you won’t find it
A Cuban: Ball needed one more revolution
A Salman Rushdie: Putt that is impossible to read
A Rock Hudson: Thought it was straight but it wasn’t
A Dennis Wise: A nasty five footer
A Diego Maradona: A very nasty five footer
An Adolf Hitler: 2 shots to get out of the Bunker  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)
A Tony Blair: Far to much spin on it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)
A Pippa Middleton: You just want to smack it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)

[Ken Fry]

Jerry bumps into his buddy Fred who has a huge cut and bruise on his forehead.

Jerry asks, "What the heck happened to you??"

Fred replies, "I was playing in the Mixed Foursome Tournament yesterday.  I got paired with this gorgeous woman.  On the 14th hole, she slices her tee shot over into the Johnson Farm.  We were doing well as a team so we ventured over into the cow pasture to look for her ball.  Just when we were about to give up hope of finding her tee ball, I notice the ball lodged in the backside of one of the cows.  I called her over, lifted up the cows tail and asked, "Does this look like yours??"

[Ian Mackenzie]

Actually There are a good number of slang terms for golf shots. Here are some UK ones below. Guess you could get quite a story together with them.


A Sally Gunnell: Ugly but will run well
A Paula Radcliffe: Not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but will run for miles
A Condom: Safe but didn’t feel really good
A Glenn Miller: Kept low and didn’t make it over the water
A Yasser Arafat: Ugly and in the sand
An O J Simpson: Got away with it
A Princess Grace: Should have taken a driver
A Michael Jackson: Gradually fading (going off line)
A Douglas Bader: Looked good in the air but didn’t have the legs
A Ken Livingstone: Way off left
A Jean-Marie Le Pen: Too far right
An Arsene Wenger: Everyone saw where it went but you
A Kate Winslet: A little bit fat, but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss: A but thin
A Michael Barrymore: A long iron
A Russell Grant: A fat iron
A Gerry Adams: A Provisional (playing a second shot if you think your first is lost)
A Wilfred Bramwell: A thin iron
A Peter Mandelson: An unbelievable iron
An Arthur Scargill: A great strike but a poor result
A Son-in-law: Not what you wanted but it’ll do
An Eva Braun: Picked up in the bunker
A Saddam Hussain: Go from bunker to bunker
A Chuck Berry: (In the trees) no particular place to go
A Red October: Underwater and you won’t find it
A Cuban: Ball needed one more revolution
A Salman Rushdie: Putt that is impossible to read
A Rock Hudson: Thought it was straight but it wasn’t
A Dennis Wise: A nasty five footer
A Diego Maradona: A very nasty five footer
An Adolf Hitler: 2 shots to get out of the Bunker  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)
A Tony Blair: Far to much spin on it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)
A Pippa Middleton: You just want to smack it  (supplied by Mr Sam Krume)

Let me just add:

A "Son in Law": not quite what you were hoping for
A Mother in Law: Looks good leaving
A Sister in Law: You're on it, but you know you shouldn't be

[Steve_ Shaffer]

It was the annual couples alternate shot championship at the club and the husband hit his tee shot to the edge of the green on a short par-4 hole.

His wife, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the husband recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole.

The wife nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the husband to sink the putt.

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-4?" says the husband. "We've got to play better. That was a bogey."


"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his wife!

[Bill Brightly]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word,
Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.   

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[Bill Brightly]

Jim and Lisa are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

‘Lisa, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?’

‘Oh Jim, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...’

‘Yes, Lisa, I really want to know. Please.’

‘Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.’

‘Three? When were they?’

‘Well, Jim, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business  on your own and no bank would give you a loan?’

‘Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?’

‘Oh, Lisa, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever,
  that you would do such a thing for me!

So, when was number 2?’

‘Well, Jim, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation,  and no surgeon would touch you?’

‘Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?’

‘I can't believe it! Lisa, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life!
I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.’

‘To do such a thing, you must really love me darling.

I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?’

‘Well, Jim, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club  and you were 17 votes short?’

[JLahrman]

Two players are teeing off on the 18th hole. One of them has a career round going. But he slices his drive over onto the cart path, with thick rough on both sides.

They drive up to the ball. The player says "I don't know what to do. I need a par for my best ever score. If I take my free drop I'll be in deep rough and I can't get it to the green. But these are brand new irons. If I hit it off the cart path I'll scuff up a new club."

His friends says "This is easy. If this were me I would hit it right off the cart path. I've got brand new irons too, but what's a couple of scuff marks compared to your best round ever?"

The guy says "You're right." He walks around to the back of the cart, pulls out a club, and hits the shot off the cart path. There is a terrible scraping sound, and sparks fly everywhere. But the ball flies up onto the green and checks 8 feet from the hole.

The friend says "That was incredible! See, aren't you glad you took my advice? Too bad about the club, but you're going to post the best score of your life! What club did you hit there?"

"Your 5-iron".

[James Bennett]

Mike

do you want a short joke,or a long joke?

I attach the short joke below.  The long joke (the snails joke) does work very well, as long as the audience either golfs or is married to a male golfer. I won't post that one unless you want a long joke.

The short joke.

A gentleman at a prestigious, exclusive and old-world club was speaking to the Club Secretary about eligibility for a forthcoming event.

Gentleman.  My wife doesn't play golf. I was wondering whether I could play in the husbands and wifes fourball next week with my mistress as my partner.

Secretary.  I am not sure what the relevant conditions are sir, I will check the Club by-laws.

shortly afterwards .....

Secretary.  Sir, I have checked the Club by-laws, and I believe you can enter the husbands and wifes fourball with your mistress, as long as she is a wife of a member.

[Brett Wiesley]

A new guy at the club joins a group of guys a few weekends in a row.  It was strange to the other golfers though in that each weekend it was a mystery if he was to play right handed or left handed.  They finally asked him why...to which he replied when he woke, if his wife was sleeping on her right side he played righty, if she was on her left side then lefty.  One weekend he didn't show up, so the next week they wondered why...to which he replied, my wife was sleeping on her back!

On the holiday book gift list:  Tiger Woods' "How to get in 18 holes without your wife knowing".

[Sam Krume]

A guy is playing in his regular 4 ball but he has an absolute shocker of a day on the course, cuts, chunks, snap hooks the whole lot. After the round is finished he decides to skip the post round beers and analysis and head straight home. As he arrives home just to cap it all he realises that he has left his house keys back at the club. He rings the door and his wife answers, he then proceeds to give her a right hand, knocks her down. As she's getting back up she asks "What the f#*k was that for" " Well" he says " I've hit everything else fat today..........

[Sean Leary]

A guy is playing in his regular 4 ball but he has an absolute shocker of a day on the course, cuts, chunks, snap hooks the whole lot. After the round is finished he decides to skip the post round beers and analysis and head straight home. As he arrives home just to cap it all he realises that he has left his house keys back at the club. He rings the door and his wife answers, he then proceeds to give her a right hand, knocks her down. As she's getting back up she asks "What the f#*k was that for" " Well" he says " I've hit everything else fat today..........

That will go over fantastically....

[Bill_McBride]

And that's when the lights went out!

[Joe Hancock]

I'm curious as to how many of these posters would actually tell their jokes in mixed company?

We're all in trouble, and not just us golf nuts.....

[Stephen Davis]

I'm curious as to how many of these posters would actually tell their jokes in mixed company?

We're all in trouble, and not just us golf nuts.....

Since mine is totally clean, I would have no problem. Whether it is funny or not is an entirely different thing

[Pete Lavallee]

One day Jesus Christ was bored so he decided to go down to earth and play Augusta National; he brought St. Peter to caddy. As they stood on the 12th tee Jesus asked St. Peter: what does Arnold Palmer hit here? St. Peter replied that Arnie uses an 8 iron but I think its a 7 iron for you. No replied Jesus hand me the 8. He proceeded to come up short in the water. Jesus told St. Peter to hand him another ball because they weren't leaving until he hits the green with the 8. Soon many groups started piling up on the tee as Jesus tried unsuccessfully, over and over, to make the carry. Finally one of the golfers asked St. Peter what club he was using. When he told him he was using an 8 the golfer replied no mortal can make that carry with an 8, who does he think he is Jesus Christ? Oh no replied St. Peter, he think's he's Arnold Palmer!

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