Great Caddy One Liners

[Mark Chaplin]

I stand corrected always thought it was at RM!!

[Dave McCollum]

I’ve told this before, so sorry.  Playing the Old Course I had a fairway wood called a “Loft” wood—something like an 11-wood, 26 degrees.  For me, like a 4 iron only higher.  It had big “L” on the sole.  Of course, on first use, my buddies dubbed it my lesbian wood.  It turned out I used the club a lot that day.  Caddy:  “Dave, think it’s a lesbian…” all day.  Finally, late in the round, I handed the lesbian wood back to him and he glanced at my feet.  I was wearing running-shoe-styled Nike golf shoes.
 
He asked, “Are those the new nikes for dykes, the ones with extra long tongues that you can get off with one finger?”

[Mark Bourgeois]

Matthew, in So Florida they call a putt like that a "Cuban." Mike C, that line from Williams is fantastic.

Here's a second-hand one from a US GCAer who went over to St Andrews to caddie for a summer. All new caddies attend an orientation session, then start off on one of the "lesser" courses, eventually working their way up to the New and then ultimately to the Old.

He shows up the first morning for work at the caddiemaster's shack, over near 1 Old, and he's given a loop — on TOC! Thinking it's a mistake, he goes up to the window, and tells the boss there's been some mistake, as he's brand new and has never caddied on the Old. Caddiemaster says, nope no mistake, you've got some experience in the USA, now get out there.

The caddie pushes back, saying, "I've never even gotten a course tour!"

Caddiemaster, standing in his window, peers over the caddie's shoulder at The Old Course and with a big, sweeping motion of his right arm says, "Sir, HERE is your course!"

[Gib_Papazian]

My buddy David Lee and I are playing TOC with two classic characters right out of central casting. My looper has a tweed coat, shoes two sizes too big and a ripping hangover. David had drawn this taciturn older guy - had to be past 70 - who barely spoke, only wordlessly offering a club whenever David hesitated.

We were standing on the 11th tee trying to figure out what to hit. My caddy gave me a yardage and held out my bag. The old guy took a swig off the flask in his pocket and handed David an 8-iron. As he addressed the ball, David asked, "Is this a hard eight or an easy eight?"

"Just the true value of the club laddie, just the true value of the club."

We still use that line 20 years later.     

[Michael Underwood]

Last summer while playing Old Macdonald #3 with friends we all hit good tee shots.  As many of you know the hole is blind, but we have all hit tee shots just a little right of the famous tree.  We walk down the fairway together and over the hill.  All of the golf balls are in the same collection area and you could have covered all four golf balls with a blanket.

One of the caddies says "I have not seen four balls that close together since watching Brokeback Mountain"

[Greg Tallman]

Playing in the West Virginia Amateur Championship at The Greenbrier back in 89 or 90.

Opening round on Old White on the thrid green (after three putting the second) I ask my 70+ year old caddie named Earl if he is good at reading the greens... " 'bout time you asked, I been readin' these greens since beore your daddy over there was born"

Same event playing in final group of round 3 also on Old White (carded a not so hot 75)... we approach the scoring area where everyone is hanging out and another caddie asks Earl "how'd ya do?" ... "Ah hell we're goin' out early tomorra"

Almost forgot the first one of that week. Walking down the first hole ole Earl, in attempt to lighten the load, is pulling out the umbrella, rain gear... etc and handing it to my father who is folllowing me. He then digs in and pulls out a dozen balls... "Like the swing, shouldn't need these (pause) but don't get too far away"

[Jeff Bertch]

Quotes from a New York caddie...

"Came down like a butterfly with sore feet"

A once a year golfer comes to play with 40 golf balls, he makes a pile that resembles turtle eggs... "Turtle's gotta lay its eggs"

About riding on the back of a cart... "I was hanging on like Ben Hur!"

"Need this putt more than oxygen"

When a putt is going to be short... "Break a tackle"

When a shot is over-clubbed... "Pull the string on that kite"

Player says, "I gave it too much gas"... Caddie says, "you flooded the engine"

A player hits it deep in the woods and asks if he will find that...
"I forgot to bring my Crystal Ball to work today!" "If I could see that, I'd be working for NASA!"

Caddiemaster asks if he wants these guests or wait for a certain member that pays substantially more...
"I'm trying to harpoon a whale, not a minnow!"

About this same member... "pays like a Slot Machine"

I got knocked out yesterday, "he hit me over the head with his wallet"

After caddying for two bad golfers with heavy bags... "My horoscope was so good, what happened?"

[Bill Gayne]

May already be on the list but here goes:

"What should I hit?"

Caddy response "Try the fairway"

[Steve_ Shaffer]

Since we have  2 other threads on Caddy jokes, I'll just post my all time favorite:
Golfer to Caddy: Can I get there with a 5iron?

Caddy: Eventually.


Steve

[Michael Moore]

Lahinch, I'm playing poorly and my first good look at birdie is not until the sixteenth hole. I ask the caddie for the read on this twenty-footer and he says "two balls out to the the right".  I fan one a foot further right than that, and he says "aaaagh, Michael . . . golf balls, not footballs."

[JohnVDB]

Not related to a shot but still funny.


I was talking with a Dornoch member last week who caddies there. He was caddie for an American named Tom Watson, but not that one.  After the round Mr. Watson hands him his fee.


Caddie: Will you do me one favor before you leave.
Watson: Sure
Caddie: Tell me I’m the best caddie you’ve ever had
Watson: you’re the best caddie I’ve ever had this


Now he tells everyone Tom Watson said he’s the best caddie he ever had.

[Steve_Lovett]

On the first tee at Castle Stuart many years ago my buddy hit a lousy tee shot and said he would hit a breakfast ball.


The caddie said, "You damned Americans hit a breakfast ball. The effin' Irish take a mulligan. But, here in Scotland we call it three off the tee."

[Phil Burr]

The best I heard came from sportswriter Rick Reilly in a Golf Channel documentary.


American who is having a tough day on the greens: “I’d rather find my wife in bed with another man than three putt another one these damn greens”.


Caddy: “What’s your room number?”.

[Dan_Callahan]

I took a New England high school golf team to Kiawah a few years ago over spring break. Stayed there for about five days, and of course many of the kids refused to wear sunscreen. At the end of our stay, we played the Ocean Course on a glorious sunny day. On about the 14th hole, as a group of kids was teeing off, my caddy said to me "you people from the Northeast come down here every March with legs that look like out of bounds stakes, and you leave here with legs that look like hazard stakes."

[Phil Young]

It was about 20 years ago when I played Kingsbarns for the first time. It was a bit windy and my normal gentle fade was turned into a rather large slice off the tee, resulting in far too many visits to to the right hand rough. When I got to the 18th tee I was determined that this drive was going to end up in the middle of the fairway, and so aimed much farther left than any sane person would. I swung as hard at that ball as any I ever did and, as best described by my caddy, Jerry the Fireman, "What do you know, you hit the dreaded straight ball," as he watched it fly further and further left of anything even close to the 18th fairway.

[BCrosby]

Not a caddy quote per se, but my favorite is from Walter Simpson's The Art of Golf:

"A good caddy never shows his just contempt for your game."

[SPDB]

Best one I can remember - after a high slicing (wind aided) drive carries a high dune at Turnberry, I turn to my caddy and ask him:


"What's over there?"


To which he looks at me angrily knowing he has to traverse the dune and responds:


"Your ball!!" 

[Jeff_Brauer]

My best caddy story also comes from St. Andrews.   My playing partner had a wicked slice, which doesn't work too well at TOC.  Stepping to the 18th, he saw the line of cars and spectators down the right side and was determined not to lose it right.  He aimed way left, and then double crossed it.  The ball bounded over the first fw, down on the beach, and then into the water, it was that far left.


After a moment of silence, the caddy says, "Well, I've never seen that before.......but I've only worked here 42 years."

[Ira Fishman]

Walking off of the 18th at Ballybunion.


Me: Are we the worst foursome of American golfers that you have carried for?


Caddie without missing a beat: No, but you are top 5.

[archie_struthers]

 


Jeff , I'm still laughing about the only worked here 42 years line ...that's a classic

[Kalen Braley]

Ran needs to permanently make this thread sticky at the top of the list.

I'm in absolute stitches over these, and I sure hope to high heaven they are all true! 

[Marty Bonnar]

Ran needs to permanently make this thread sticky at the top of the list.

I'm in absolute stitches over these, and I sure hope to high heaven they are all true! 

K,
I’m generally in agreement with most everything you say around here, but on this one we couldn’t be further apart.
I haven’t found a single one of these even remotely funny.
Cheers,
F.

[Kalen Braley]

Ran needs to permanently make this thread sticky at the top of the list.

I'm in absolute stitches over these, and I sure hope to high heaven they are all true! 

K,
I’m generally in agreement with most everything you say around here, but on this one we couldn’t be further apart.
I haven’t found a single one of these even remotely funny.
Cheers,
F.

Well that partially tracks.

I always tell people I was born in the wrong place, because there is no humor I enjoy more than UK style which is often dry, pithy, witty, etc.     No one get me in stitches like Ricky Gervais.

[archie_struthers]

Kalen...whassup not even the only worked here 42 years???

[Kalen Braley]

Kalen...whassup not even the only worked here 42 years???

You got me confused with Bonnar, I loved it!

Perhaps he needs a few in him to see the humor!