Tricky to limit it to five!
1) The Oblivious Hacker - He's either new to the game or just plain stupid. Despite requiring at least 120 shots to get round the course (and I have no problem with that, per se), like a man hogging the road, it's never even occurred to him that the pile up behind him might have something to do with him. In fact, he's never even noticed the aforementioned pile up.
2) The Arrogant "Serious" Golfer - He's been playing for years and feels this gives him carte blanche to dictate the pace of play for everyone else. Despite never making it to single digits he considers himself superior enough to take however much time he likes without making way for quicker golfers. As far as he's concerned it doesn't matter if the group behind are quicker, he's just about round the front nine in two hours and the group behind obviously just aren't taking their game seriously enough, particularly if, heaven forbid, they happen to be younger than him. Hastily amends this attitude when his failing eyesight just about manages to make out the club pro in the following group.
3) The Amateur Swing Coach - He's like a wild animal picking out the weak in the pack. Find yourself in a game with him and an unfortunate, affable high handicapper and you'll spend 18 holes trying to bite your tongue and finding a quiet moment to reassure the now confused victim that they're not actually a hopeless failure and now is not the time to be making dramatic swing changes. Your 'coach' may just have what he considers to be a trump card to play and tells you all about the course he went on in Marbella. You know, but he doesn't, that this is just code for "got sold a meaningless certificate and paid £3,000 for the privilege."
4) The Distance Junkie - Depending on your own mindset on the day, he can either be the biggest pain or an amusing playing partner. The sweet, long drive down the first suggests he may be able to play a bit and you wonder if, with twenty two shots, he's something of a bandito. The subsequent six shots to reach the dance floor confirm that twenty two might flatter him. After a few holes you wonder why he doesn't stick to a driving range, since golf for him apparently begins and ends with hitting long. The fact that he tends to play long down the wrong fairway is seemingly just a minor issue. There is always a par 3 where he will proudly announce it's "just an eight iron" for him. You proceed to strike a six iron to the heart of the green and stand back to watch the inevitable. He proceeds to hit his cleanest iron shot of the day, only to find himself ten yards short of the putting surface. He's apparently ignorant to the fact that you saw and heard the shot and utters the inevitable "didn't really get hold of that." You very gently mention that you personally find that taking a little more club and using a little less muscle gives you better rewards and, not wanting to sink into the role of Amateur Swing Coach, you leave it at that.
5) The Persistent Whinger - The only barrier between him and breaking 70 is the state the course is in. There is nothing that can't be explained away with a complaint about a bad lie (even in the rough, no less), an uneven tee, a ball apparently not running true on the green or a lack of sand in a bunker. The wind is apparently capable of serving him up unspeakable bad luck but never capable of bailing him out of a bad shot because, somehow, the wind can always shove his ball away from the green but never towards it. If none of these excuses can be thrown into the mix he'll probably remember half way round that he slipped a disc last week and is therefore not doing too badly really. When you ask if he's absolutely sure he's OK to continue he bravely declares that he'll soldier on for your sake. You explain there's really no need to worry on your account but he wouldn't dream of deserting you. He plays the next four holes in level par and the imminent call to the osteopath is a distant memory.