Best caddie one liner or anecdote

[Brett_Morrissy]

a mate of mine - "Oby" - playing Carnoustie a few years back.

18th - he hits it into the burn on the right.

Thick Scottish Brogue: "Ohhh, you've done a Van de Velde - OBY you have hit it OB!"

funny in the telling.

[jim_lewis]

One of the golf magazines did a story several years ago about Burning Tree and the fact that so many Washington politicians play there. It seems the President Eisenhower played there fairly often. As mentioned earlier, the caddies sometimes have a side bet on their player. On one occasion the match came to the 18th, and Ike had a 3-foot putt remaining. One of his opponents said, "pick it up Mr. President. It's good.".  Whereupon, one caddie said, " The Hell you say! Putt it." (or words to that effect).

[RJ_Daley]

One of the golf magazines did a story several years ago about Burning Tree and the fact that so many Washington politicians play there. It seems the President Eisenhower played there fairly often. As mentioned earlier, the caddies sometimes have a side bet on their player. On one occasion the match came to the 18th, and Ike had a 3-foot putt remaining. One of his opponents said, "pick it up Mr. President. It's good.".  Whereupon, one caddie said, " The Hell you say! Putt it." (or words to that effect).

Now that is a very complicated situation!!! 

I'll bet everyone has a different imagination as to how they would like to see that situation play out.  For me, I can envision Ike (who I have a vivid memory of his ready smile)  nonchalantly walking over to the ball and stroking it effortlessly in the hole...grinning at his caddie as if to imply, 'did you bet on me or against me?'

[Rick Shefchik]

Adam,

Marty is a great guy and I was amazed to see someone that age still looping.

Marty caddied for me during my round at CPC, too, and I was very lucky to get him. Adam's story seems atypical of the kind of person Marty is -- a gentleman who is wonderful company if you choose to engage him in conversation, but keeps utterly quiet if you prefer your own company. Yet I can see Marty finding a subtle way to put a loudmouth in his place.

I'll always remember teeing off on #16, looking at the yawning cove between me and the green and thinking, "I know it's a three-wood, but I'd hate to be short on my only visit here." I asked Marty for the driver, walked to the tee and put my peg in the ground. It didn't feel right. Driver was too much club. I hesitated for another moment, then turned around. Marty was already holding my three-wood out to me.

I took a really confident swing and came close to knocking it in the hole. Thanks, Marty.

[Lester George]

I have two that immediately come to mind.

Playing the first hole at Secession with Robert Wrenn (Pga Tour) the caddie is carrying us double.  Forced carry over marsh and I hit the perfect drive.  This thing was long, right-to-left ball flight and past my friend Robert.  Everyone ooohed and awed.  I had a pithing wedge into the first green.  I calmly hit a cut-shank 35degrees off line that landed in the hardpan of the marsh.  Embarrassed, I ventured in to recover.  Hit the third a little skinny sending everyone on the green scrambling as it went over the green into the marsh beyond.  Left four in the marsh and finally chopped five out and onto the back of the green where I two-putted for a nice 7.  Leaving the green heading to number two tee the caddie asks Robert "what does Mr. George do for a living", Robert says "he's a golf course architect", caddies says "doesn't get out of the office much does he".  I almost had to pick Robert up off the ground.

Playing in the Kinloch member guest.  Crossing the walk bridge on the 9th hole my caddie freezes in fear.  I look down and there is a very large Copperhead coiled and prepared to strike as she is protecting two young ones.  I walked past him, looked at the situation and said "give me a four iron".  He was terrified of snakes, I wasn't.  I swung and clipped the snake right below the head as she extended to strike.  The caddie almost fainted as I showed him it was dead and we walked to the green.  Unfortunately, I got snake blood on my pants.  As I walked to the locker room to try to wash it off, someone aske my caddie what was going on and why did I have blood on my pants.  The caddie replied, "Mr. George just killed that huge Copperhead that sits by the bridge on 9".  Really they replied, "yeah" said the caddie, "hit it with a four iron, made his best swing of the day"!!

Lester

[Dave McCollum]

Playing TOC I was using a Ping “loft” fairway wood with simple a “L” on the sole, essentially a 4 iron substitute, that was dubbed my Lesbian wood.  My caddie liked that and more than a few times said, “I think it’s a Lesbian, Sir.”  I was also wearing some Nike golf shoes.  At point he handed me the Lesbian wood, pointed to my shoes, and asked, “Are those the new Nikes for dykes?  You know, the ones with extra long tongues that you can get off with one finger?”

Playing in Palm Springs this winter I topped a driver and hit a coot swimming in the pond in front of the tee box.  The poor coot was thrashing around in his final death rattles.  Three other coots swam over to investigate.  My playing partner dryly said, “Must be the lawyer coots.”

[Steve Strasheim]

"You want me, or the umbrella girl?"

[Joel Zuckerman]

Another Rocky story from PV:

He's supposedly carrying the bag of a very tall fellow.  The golfer hits a shot which disappears over hill and dale.  The golfer says, "Where did that go?"  Rocky says, "come stand next to me.  Crouch down a little.  Now crouch down a little more.  What do yo see?"  The guy replies, "I can't see anything."  Rocky says, "Well now you know how I feel!"

[Rory Connaughton]

Joel, I think that story relates to Michael Jordan.

Another good story involves Joe Carr the great Irish Walker Cupper and Captain of the R&A.  He was also the first Irishman to play in the Masters. Carr was playing a round at Baltray and having a tough time of it.  Baltray is the home of the East of Ireland Amateur which, I believe, Carr won 10 times or more.  Toward the end of the round, his young caddy asked him whether he had ever played in the East of Ireland to which Carr replied he had and had won it a number of times. Upon hearing that, the caddy remarked, "the standard must have been much lower in your day."

[Brian Cenci]

Pinehurst in 08'....two caddies carrying double for our foursome.  One of the guys in our group was seriously chopping wood all day in the trees.  On the 18th green he putts it off the green on a fairly lengthy putt....not just off but way off.  Caddy blurts out, "can't teach feel!"

Hilarious!!!!

[Adam Clayman]

Jordan, Marty likely never told you about his time in the service? He was one of those guinea pig sailors on board a ship X miles away from a H-bomb test. true dat. It could explain how he's gone on for so long.

Is John Sherman still there? 

[Terry Lavin]

Playing Pinehurst #2.  Tee shot on a par-4 went about 230 in the fairway, nothing spectacular but plenty serviceable.  The caddie exclaims, "That's a Mexican!"  "What the hell does that mean," I asked?  "It'll work," replied the Southern looper.  Now, I'm sure that this is going to be viewed as derogatory by some, but I have three points.  First, he said it, not I.  Second, he was essentially complimenting the industriousness of the Mexican-American population, a characteristic that I find undeniably correct.  Third, it was pretty funny.

[Michael Wharton-Palmer]

Playing at Pebble,  when Mikey D was still employed there...
Hit a great 4 iron into 12..about 15 feet..it was a sweet shot..
me...that felt great
mikey d...better than sex..
playing partner...I would not go that far or you are doing the sex right
mikey d...or perhaps you have never hit a shot that good!!!!!!

[Steve Kline]

Both of these happened to me in the same round at TOC.

First hole i have about 25 foot putt. As a good green reader I go with my read over the caddy's at the start of a round. So, I read the putt to brek about 6 inches right to left. But, the wind is howling the other direction. The caddy says it will break 6 inches the other way. I think he's probably drunk so I play my read. Sure enough it does what he says thanks to the wind and I miss the hole by a foot on the right. The caddy comes right up to me, just a few inches from my face, and says, "Don't you ever f****** do that again!"

17th tee the caddy tells me what letter to play over on the old barn. At the time I was a scratch or lower so it really shouldn't have been that tough a shot but I didn't hit my driver real high. So, at the top of my swing I think to myself that I better make sure to get this one up. I hit at least a foot behind the ball, don't remember ever making contact with the ball, and saw the ball stop short of the barn. Before the ball stops moving, my caddy yells out that they were talking on the green behind me and threw me another ball. Smart caddy, that one.

[Joel Zuckerman]

Lots of the anecdotes on this thread are really just old golf jokes regurgitated in one fashion or another.  Here is the cleverest actual line I ever heard from a caddie.  Playing Troon (the original, not AZ)  Hit it to 15 feet on #1,leave the birdie putt 2-3 feet short.  Hit it closer on #2, maybe 8-10 feet, once again hit the putt a foot or two short.

At this point the caddie might have dusted off a tired old saw like, "Never up, never in," or--"99% of putts that don't reach the hole don't go in," something we've all heard a hundred times before.

Instead, he gives me an admonishing look, and says, "you know, Joel, I can read 'em coming back too!

[Terry Lavin]

Bill Murray is playing in a charity outing and he gets to a hole where the House of Blues is giving a signed guitar if somebody hits it within two feet of the hole.  Somebody in his group hits a nice shot and they scamper to the green to see if it's in the circle.  It's just outside, which prompts Bill to quip, "close, but no guitar."  Not bad.

Another time, I'm playing with Bill and his brother Brian at Prairie Dunes, which has a bunch of false front greens.  I hit a shot that is repelled by a false front and I start my complaint, "These greens have more false fronts..."  Brian fills in the blanks, "than a Hooters swimsuit competition."  Rimshot!

[Terry Lavin]

I'm playing at Beverly one afternoon.  I'm not playing particularly well, which leads my caddie (read: acne-ridden, dyspeptic Irish youth) to blurt out, "Sir, if you don't mind me saying so, you're sort of lunging at the ball."  Which led me to send him back to the caddieshack with a request for a replacement.  Truth, after all, is not always a defense!

[Peter Pallotta]

Speakng of old jokes, for Joel, from Jimmy Demaret:

On Bob Hope: "He has a wonderful short game. Unfortunately it's off the tee."

On his service during WWII: "Every war has a slogan. 'Remember the Alamo', or 'Remember Pearl Harbor.' Mine was, 'That'll play, Admiral.'"

Peter

[Tim Martin]

Circa 1985 started out with a center cut drive on #1 at Piping Rock which was the last enjoyable shot of the day for me and even more so for my caddie. Deep into the inward nine I found the fescue for the umpteen time and as I`m mulling over my club selection the 75 year old caddie implores me to try hacking it out with a wedge as he wants to make Sunday mass. It was early on Friday afternoon when he said this.

[Garland Bayley]

I'm playing at Beverly one afternoon.  I'm not playing particularly well, which leads my caddie (read: acne-ridden, dyspeptic Irish youth) to blurt out, "Sir, if you don't mind me saying so, you're sort of lunging at the ball."  Which led me to send him back to the caddieshack with a request for a replacement.  Truth, after all, is not always a defense!

I hope you know that caddy has been speaking ill of you ever since. BTW, have you played at Sherwood?

[Dave McCollum]

Another time when playing TOC for the first (and only) time with a couple of friends newly arrived from Idaho.  The two of them, after every tee shot by the other, would gush “nice shot” or “great drive.”  I’d sneak a look at the caddies and they would be quietly studying their feet.  Invariably, we’d head out and watch them slash out of a pot or the whins and bitch about their foul luck.  We were playing into a 25-30 mph headwind on the way out.  When we finally turned downwind at the par-4 9th, the caddies explained our options off the tee by pointing far to the left or equally far to the right, leaving the immaculate fairway in front of us off the list of wise choices.  My pals hit—gush, gush—more foot inspection.  I hit, turned around, and looked at my caddie.  I looked him straight in the eye and he didn’t say a word.  He just took my driver and handed me my putter.  Greatest line NOT said by a caddie in my experience.

[Mike_Clayton]

Dutch Open - late 80s at Kennemer.
Steve Williams is caddying for me and we are playing with Ossie Moore another Australian. We were both choping it on the front nine - and as we walked past the pro shop to the 10th tee he said 'you guys ought to go in there and pay your green-fees.'
Peter Fowler's sister -in - law working for me at Titirangi in the Air NZ Open in 1988.13th hole has a big tier in the green and the first two rounds I hit it under the tier and 3 putted.
Saturday I have a downhill lie going steeply uphill to a pin at the back of the green.I had no clue and even though she didn't play golf I jokingly asked her whether she thought it was a four or a five.
'Which ones goes further?'
'The Four'
'Well hit the four and get up that fucking hill'

Alister Mathison - a man of few words but a great caddy - walked onto the range on Sunday afternoon at Winged Foot in 2006 with Geoff Ogilvy and said to Ogilvy's coach 'big day, this'

Robert Allenby is notoriously brutal on caddies. After two rounds of a US Open a few years ago his caddy walked off the 36th green and just said 'do you want me to find you a caddy for tomorrow - or can you find one yourself?'
'I will find one myself'

[Mike_Clayton]

Sorry - wrong button

[Jordan Wall]

Jordan, Marty likely never told you about his time in the service? He was one of those guinea pig sailors on board a ship X miles away from a H-bomb test. true dat. It could explain how he's gone on for so long.

Is John Sherman still there? 

He never did tell me that one.  I was in his group once and he was very quiet that day.  We were with a group of some serious businessmen and generally just stayed well ahead without much talk.

Some of the other caddy stories over there, however, are hilarious!

John is still there, went out every day.  Very nice gentleman, I believe he's been at Cypress for almost 40 years.

[Matt_Ward]

Remember one time in Ireland -- on the range with a bud and he's grooving the balls one after another.

Sitting behind us is the guy who would caddie for us and he looks like a rumpled Rollie Fingers type.

Has a burlap coat on and lifts his head to see what's going on.

My bud turns to him and says boastfully, "Not bad -- huh?"

The caddie then says the ultimate cut down line -- "If that's where you were aiming."

Love those short cutting remarks ... my bud said little the rest of the day.