I do not play in any charity events any longer for the following reasons:
An on-line magazine rep asked me to dig this up last night and it looked marginally relevant to this thread.
SCRAMBLE TOURNAMENT
-GIB PAPAZIAN
Your faithful scribe would like to announce his retirement from so-called "Scramble" tournaments. You know the format: everybody hits a drive, pick the best one, then everybody hits from that spot. After 20 odd years of paying lots of money to play other people's bad shots, I am done, finito - had it up to here.
It often starts out as a charity event you get guilted into - "a worthy cause" to establish a home for something like unwanted or neglected parakeets. The tee prizes are always rock-hard Top-Flite golf balls and a cheap golf towel the size of a diaper. This is paid for by the sale of "mulligans," which is an ancient Gaelic word roughly translated to mean "bad golfer who cheats a lot."
The company events are actually worse. In my other life as a salesman, I get "invited" as a supplier to participate in lots of tournaments. This means paying $500 for the privilege of sponsoring a five-some on a lousy golf course.
The final straw came when it occurred to me I have drawn the same partners in virtually in every event like some kind of outtake from the movie Groundhog Day. They are always smiling and waiting for me when I arrive at our assigned tee, invariably on the No. 1 handicap hole.
Let’s meet the main characters from the never-ending sit-com of my life:
Jack the Stud: Big guy, powerful swing, always smoking an enormous cigar. Will find a way to work into the conversation, even before the shotgun, that he once played minor league ball for the Expo's. Big bag, big ego, drinks Bud by the gallon. Carries a 16 handicap, plays to an 11. Always wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt.
Nervous Bill. Tennis shorts, flaps on the shoes, Bill putts with one finger down the shaft with spikes worn down to nubs. Quiet guy who chain smokes Marlboro Lights and plays with knock-off irons. Wears a visor instead of a cap even though he has a bald spot. Has a reverse-pivot and weak slice.
Uncle Joe: Older fellow, used to be a single digit, now plays to a 18. Plays the bump and run shot around the green and carries a Mizuno driver with a whippy shaft. Last missed a fairway during the Eisenhower administration. He is your best cart companion.
Herb the hack: Plays twice a year, only in tournaments where he can inflict the most misery on his partners. If it's a company tournament, he will be a V.P. and every single article of clothing and equipment will have a logo on it from a supplier. Herb is covered with so much advertising he looks like Emerson Fittipaldi and finding his ball is an 18-hole Easter egg hunt. He always steps in the putting line and never replaces his divots.
Regardless of the tournament, it is always the same group. However, recognizing that the Scramble format will not go away just because I have retired, this week we present some strategy learned over these many irksome years. Hopefully this will make the death-march more bearable.
Hint No.1: Pick a captain, and make sure it's you.
Hint No.2: If you have to use everyone's drive at least twice, make sure you use up Herb's on the first nine if possible. It takes discipline to not play a long blast from Jack, but if you wait too long you'll come to the last hole with no choice. Short par-fives are a good spot because you can still make birdie with a good approach.
Hint No.3: Uncle Joe will wear a hole through his five-wood, but everyone else will rarely use enough stick on approach shots - especially Nervous Bill. He thinks he can fly a 7-iron 150 yards, but 130 is more like it.
Hint No.4: On par 5's, let's suppose one of you rips the second shot far beyond the best effort of Herb or Bill. Instead of letting them take pointless chop at a 3-wood, encourage them to practice hitting a 5-wood or mid-iron straight. This will be useful when they need to hit a tee shot.
Hint No.5: Unless it is a short putt, don't make Herb the first attempt. It only confuses the issue when he hits a 20-foot putt 10 feet by the hole. Uncle Joe is a good start as he normally has good lag-putting touch. If it's a short putt, start with Herb as he might luck one in and feel like he has contributed something for a change.
Hint No.6: The shortest putt is not always the easiest. Only two of you have a realistic chance with an eight-foot sidehill slider, but everyone has a chance to make that uphill 15 footer.
Hint No.7: When chipping from off the green, if there is any possibility for Herb or Bill to use a putter, insist that they do so. Jack's ego makes him suggestion-proof, so don't bother. Never try to teach a pig to sing . . . etc. etc.
Hint No.8: Never use a shot in a greenside bunker unless you are an exceptional sand player.
Hint No.9: Uncle Joe should hit first most of the time off the tee. Otherwise he will try to kill the ball to keep up and destroy his rhythm. You'll find very often that at the end of the day you used more of his drives than anyone, including Jack.
Hint No.10: Remember, the most successful teams are not the ones that make the most birdies, but the ones that don't give any shots back.
Sadly, even with this hard won wisdom, Team Groundhog always finishes fourth and the prize is invariably a Smokey Joe Barbeque. I have nine of them stacked in my garage if anyone wants to buy one cheap. Heck, I’ll even throw in a free golf towel with every purchase.