They are going to use Monkeys

[Peter Pallotta]

A highly-placed and reliable source recently confirmed that senior officials at a certain governing body, busily preparing two golf courses for significant championships in the coming year, have come to believe that they cannot possibly get greens running fast enough nor make fairways narrow enough to suitably test the best players in the world, and so have decided to use monkeys instead. The monkeys will be situated in the trees (gently attached by 50 yard long bungee cords affixed to their ankles) near the landing zones on all Par 4s and Par 5s, and next to all Par 3 green sites. Sources suggest that four species of monkeys, all known for their dexterity and quickness, will be used, and that these 18 monkeys are currently being trained to jump at any ball that lands in a fairway or on a green and to toss it -- willy nilly -- in any direction they choose. Officials are said to be excited about thus re-introducing two elements of traditional links golf -- the bad bounce and the unlucky break -- into modern championship golf. Studies into this new approach have apparently been ongoing for several years, but only last year were the four species of monkey -- all native to the forests of Costa Rica -- finally selected. Barring any late complications, it seems certain now -- my source confirmed -- that the Squirrel Monkey, the White-headed Capuchin, the Mantled Howler, and the Spider Monkey will be gracing the fairways of golf courses both classic and modern as early as 2013. It is anticipated that the Mantled Howler and the Spider Monkey will work the fairways, adding ear-piercing screeches to their ball tossing; and that the White-Headed Capuchin will work the greens (with the Squirrel Monkey as back up in case of rain). It is a new approach, but one that senior officials are very proud of. At the monkeys' secret training base near Long Island, a senior official who was watching the monkeys at work was overheard saying: "These little monkeys are going to save American championship golf, you mark my words. You never know where they're going to throw the damn ball. We're gonna have the best players in the world blowing their brains out with the stress, but that's what we're testing: character! They call us blue-bloods and stodgy, and maybe that was true of the past generations; but us new guys -- we're not afraid to embrace a good idea, no matter how strange. And this is a good idea!".    

[Mac Plumart]

Forest Richardson was looking, awhile back, for any new ideas in golf course design.  Looks like you've got an idea for him!

 

[jeffwarne]

A highly-placed and reliable source recently confirmed that senior officials at a certain governing body, busily preparing two golf courses for significant championships in the coming year, have come to believe that they cannot possibly get greens running fast enough nor make fairways narrow enough to suitably test the best players in the world, and so have decided to use monkeys instead. The monkeys will be situated in the trees (gently attached by 50 yard long bungee cords affixed to their ankles) near the landing zones on all Par 4s and Par 5s, and next to all Par 3 green sites. Sources suggest that four species of monkeys, all known for their dexterity and quickness, will be used, and that these 18 monkeys are currently being trained to jump at any ball that lands in a fairway or on a green and to toss it -- willy nilly -- in any direction they choose. Officials are said to be excited about thus re-introducing two elements of traditional links golf -- the bad bounce and the unlucky break -- into modern championship golf. Studies into this new approach have apparently been ongoing for several years, but only last year were the four species of monkey -- all native to the forests of Costa Rica -- finally selected. Barring any late complications, it seems certain now -- my source confirmed -- that the Squirrel Monkey, the White-headed Capuchin, the Mantled Howler, and the Spider Monkey will be gracing the fairways of golf courses both classic and modern as early as 2013. It is anticipated that the Mantled Howler and the Spider Monkey will work the fairways, adding ear-piercing screeches to their ball tossing; and that the White-Headed Capuchin will work the greens (with the Squirrel Monkey as back up in case of rain). It is a new approach, but one that senior officials are very proud of. At the monkeys' secret training base near Long Island, a senior official who was watching the monkeys at work was overheard saying: "These little monkeys are going to save American championship golf, you mark my words. You never know where they're going to throw the damn ball. We're gonna have the best players in the world blowing their brains out with the stress, but that's what we're testing: character! They call us blue-bloods and stodgy, and maybe that was true of the past generations; but us new guys -- we're not afraid to embrace a good idea, no matter how strange. And this is a good idea!".    

Rumor has it the monkeys won't be able to cross the weird liitle layer of rough they plan to grow at Shinny (a la 2004), so balls in the fairway should be protected.
Another rumor has Michaud sneaking onto the property at night cutting little paths through that rough so the monkeys have fairway access.
Additionally, many of the monkeys will be ill positioned on some holes having not been able to read the memo the monkeys....errr...officials sent ordering play off the ladies tee to make some par 5's driveable.
I will be boycotting if they are required to wear white jumpsuits......

[Ed Brzezowski]

With 435 members of Congress (U.S.) I am sure they will have spares should a monkey get hit on the head and rendered senseless. Well...., nevermind.

[Anthony Butler]

A highly-placed and reliable source recently confirmed that senior officials at a certain governing body, busily preparing two golf courses for significant championships in the coming year, have come to believe that they cannot possibly get greens running fast enough nor make fairways narrow enough to suitably test the best players in the world, and so have decided to use monkeys instead. The monkeys will be situated in the trees (gently attached by 50 yard long bungee cords affixed to their ankles) near the landing zones on all Par 4s and Par 5s, and next to all Par 3 green sites. Sources suggest that four species of monkeys, all known for their dexterity and quickness, will be used, and that these 18 monkeys are currently being trained to jump at any ball that lands in a fairway or on a green and to toss it -- willy nilly -- in any direction they choose. Officials are said to be excited about thus re-introducing two elements of traditional links golf -- the bad bounce and the unlucky break -- into modern championship golf. Studies into this new approach have apparently been ongoing for several years, but only last year were the four species of monkey -- all native to the forests of Costa Rica -- finally selected. Barring any late complications, it seems certain now -- my source confirmed -- that the Squirrel Monkey, the White-headed Capuchin, the Mantled Howler, and the Spider Monkey will be gracing the fairways of golf courses both classic and modern as early as 2013. It is anticipated that the Mantled Howler and the Spider Monkey will work the fairways, adding ear-piercing screeches to their ball tossing; and that the White-Headed Capuchin will work the greens (with the Squirrel Monkey as back up in case of rain). It is a new approach, but one that senior officials are very proud of. At the monkeys' secret training base near Long Island, a senior official who was watching the monkeys at work was overheard saying: "These little monkeys are going to save American championship golf, you mark my words. You never know where they're going to throw the damn ball. We're gonna have the best players in the world blowing their brains out with the stress, but that's what we're testing: character! They call us blue-bloods and stodgy, and maybe that was true of the past generations; but us new guys -- we're not afraid to embrace a good idea, no matter how strange. And this is a good idea!".    

I have played golf under these conditions... at Royal Westmoreland and the (aptly named) Green Monkey in Barbados. Medium-dog sized monkeys spring from the undergrowth heading straight for your crotch as you poke around looking for your missing Pro V1... You can effectively add 4 strokes to your game when all you can think about is protecting your balls...

[jeffwarne]

Titleist is coming out with the Blow V 1 ball that will immediately blow up all monkeys within 10 yards of their ball.
The USGA ,after 2 years of carefully funded study has stated that there seems to be no appreciable advantage to using the balls as there is statistical proof that having a monkey throw your ball randomly actually raises one's scores. So ergo, one gains no advantage by blowing up the monkey, and therefore the balls have been ruled conforming.

But just to be sure, they are installing 10 yard long Tiger tee arms on the monkeys so they can still be effective, even though their studies show they're not a factor anyway. (just in case)
Additionally, they are removing all slopes over one percent on all classic venues as balls(and players) just won't stop rolling due to the residue from discarded peels of the monkey's primary food source.

[Michael Whitaker]

These monkeys can also help an errant shot. I've played several courses where a wayward tee shot has been deflected back into the fairway by monkeys residing in the trees. It's the randomness of their actions that make them a valuable asset to a championship golf competition.

[Peter Pallotta]

 

Thanks, gents - funny stuff.

Michael - You've stated it perfectly: "It's the randomness of their actions that make them a valuable asset to a championship golf competition." Is it any wonder that senior officials are so proud of themselves?  Somehow, after years of mismanagement, and in a boldly counterintuitive decision, they have brought the spirit of the game back to the US Open (err -- I mean, modern championship golf).

[Colin Macqueen]

Peter,

A solution to their woes. A barrel of monkeys should supply a barrel of laughs. Well done!

Here in Oz the random ricochets of golf balls in the eucalyptus canopies is predetermined by Phascolarctos cinereus. If the rub of the green produces a ball on the fairway it is universally proclaimed a koala ball. If the result is a ball ejected into the river or, worse still, lost it (the koala, the result and the ball!) is declared a bastard......... a term of endearment in Australia!

Another thing koalas seem good for is their sociability when mixing with politicians. Koalas upon being cuddled by aforementioned sub-species of Homo sapiens invariably urinate on them. Whether this is out of fear and anxiety or simply an innate understanding of a politicians worth has yet to be ascertained.

Cheers Colin

[Bill_McBride]

Peter,

A solution to their woes. A barrel of monkeys should supply a barrel of laughs. Well done!

Here in Oz the random ricochets of golf balls in the eucalyptus canopies is predetermined by Phascolarctos cinereus. If the rub of the green produces a ball on the fairway it is universally proclaimed a koala ball. If the result is a ball ejected into the river or, worse still, lost it (the koala, the result and the ball!) is declared a bastard......... a term of endearment in Australia!

Another thing koalas seem good for is their sociability when mixing with politicians. Koalas upon being cuddled by aforementioned sub-species of Homo sapiens invariably urinate on them. Whether this is out of fear and anxiety or simply an innate understanding of a politicians worth has yet to be ascertained.

Cheers Colin

The only place I encountered monkeys who got involved with play was at the Subic Bay course in the Phillipines.  The second hole was a dogleg left around a huge tree full of them.   I don't know about these random tosses you're mentioning, those little bastards would grab your ball and you would never see it again!   The caddies would go out and try to protect your ball, but BOOM, your ball was gone.   Local rule - no penalty.