Nominations for horrible golf writing.

[Tony_Muldoon]

"I've played a truly great golf course" (unfortunately it wasn't this one)

[Brad Klein]

The day was moist . . . .

[Peter Pallotta]

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic golf course architect.

That sounds bad, Mike. What happens next?

I hope his family doesn't reject him; on the other hand, he really shouldn't have that huge piece of turf under his bed.

Peter

[Kalen Braley]

With those last couple of posts talking about "beds, "dreams", and "moist", I hope were not going down the wrong track on this one.

Cause if we're going there I would much rather watch the vids, then read a book!!  

[Mike_Cirba]

Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea Country Club dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies' eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier, natural, pre-construction of the course days through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde's Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted, wholly visible, shored-up by the architect with white granite boulders  little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde's door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on every golfer that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof.

[Peter Pallotta]

That sounds bad, Mike. What happens next?

Mrs. Lynde is going to discover something odd, isn't she?

Peter

[Mike_Cirba]

A long time ago on a golf course far, far away...

[Garland Bayley]

Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea Country Club dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies' eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier, natural, pre-construction of the course days through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde's Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted, wholly visible, shored-up by the architect with white granite boulders  little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde's door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on every golfer that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof.

OK, OK, Mike, you are the master.  

[Brad Klein]

Cirba wins the venerable British honor, the Bulwer-Lytton Award, granted annually to the worst start to a novel

[Kalen Braley]

Hey Cirba,

Sounds like you either had a earlier career in writing those kind of books, or have quite the collection yourself.

I picked one up in Barnes and Nobles once and read a paragraph or two and just felt so dirty afterwards...

[Matthew Hunt]

Well, if we are going this direction, I have posted these before, but reviewers have ways to subtly pan a course with “double entendre” phrases, without being a LIAR (i.e. Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous References" including:

"You’ll be lucky to enjoy this course" (it would depend on something besides design)

“I would like to enthusiastically recommend this course to you” (but I can’t)

"Best of its kind" (the bad kind)

"Never seen anything like it" (and hope not to again)

“He designed a course like he’s never designed before” (How do you mean that?)

Now, that's a golf course" (what kind?)

"I had a hard time believing what I saw."

"It redefines the meaning of a place to play golf."

"It had it all” (tee markers, flags, ball washers, the works)

"I don't usually write about clubhouses, but this one is the club’s focal point."

"It's always interesting to see a designer take chances."

"I would like to recommend this as a must play course.”  (but I just can’t)

"It proves you can build a golf course just about anywhere."

"Years from now, golf course architecture students will visit this course just to study it."

Sorry, can't resist. Carry On!

Add:

"Inspired by St Andrews"

"Championship Lenght"

And one I read Yesterday about a course redo:

"8 new lakes and 100's of new trees make you feel like your on the PGA Tour"

[Voytek Wilczak]

...most of you won't understand a single word of the  linked article...
 

Masters, Skottland, Callaway? - you're selling us way short...

[RJ_Daley]

MIke C., you have succeeded in causing Dan Kelly's head to explode.  You are the undisputed champion!  

These are the stories of the intrepid golf raters, their five year mission: to seek out compensatory new offerings, to bravely study highly marketted architecture, to boldly go where no golfer has been comp'ed before...  

[Jeff_Brauer]

Maybe some of our professional writers could give us some tips. There must be some guide out there to really bad writing that they have been exposed to as a "how not to."

Off the top of my head, I could see going really bad by pushing a tortured analogy a bit far, relying on cliche, and being redundant.  Also, using five dollar words when not necessary.  How else?

BTW, after some thought, I am convinced that the worst golf writing occurs in yardage books - "Try to miss the bunker" and "Take enough club" pepper these literary masterpieces.

[John Kavanaugh]

I kinda like "Best bang for the ball busting buck."

[Dan Kelly]

MIke C., you have succeeded in causing Dan Kelly's head to explode.

Reports of the explosion of my head have been greatly exaggerated. I've just been away.

I just skimmed the article -- and agree (I think; having very quickly skimmed this thread, too) with Rick:

There's a ton of crappy golf writing out there. This didn't seem particularly crappier than average.

I do wonder about one thing: Who paid for the rides aboard that Cessna?

[Dan Kelly]

There must be some guide out there to really bad writing that they have been exposed to as a "how not to."

I have a file at home labeled "Bad Prose." It contains manuscripts and query letters sent my way, almost always unsolicited, when I was a magazine editor.

I'd share some of it with you -- but the pain of retyping it! Have mercy on my soul.

[ANTHONYPIOPPI]

Here's some pretty good (not) golf writing from Colin McEnroe of The Hartford Courant:

"Yes, in many ways, this is just a garden variety story of a lovelorn, insanely jealous, bewigged, diaper-wearing, mallet-pounding, pepper-spraying, knife-wielding woman looking for astronaut-on-astronaut sex.

"So familiar, really, as to have become kind of a cliche."  

[Mike_Cirba]

I'd first like to thank the Academy, and especially John Kavanaugh for starting this thread.

With friends like John, can a comped day with Hamilton Hearst on his yacht "Rater II" be far behind?

Ah, there's so much to say, but we won't get into that tonight.  

I haven't had an orthodox career, and I've wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn't feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!  You really, really like me!!!

Thanks for the award, now the voices are telling me to kill you all!  

[ANTHONYPIOPPI]

... he said, tossing blank plastic ball markers to the adoring throng.

[Jonathan Cummings]

I once sent a blurb I was trying to get a rag to run to Gib for review.  He wrote back to me -

"Get Elements of Style and read it.  When you're finished, read it again!"

 

[Rick Shefchik]

As the pimped-out grill of my custom-made EZ-Go cleared the fescue-fringed ridge and the dramatic island of green below presented itself like a sexually arroused bullfrog, I could feel my own manhood stirring while my free hand reached behind me for my LAZR-Beam VVL-X460 driver. I had experienced the usual twinge of guilt when I put the $700 sheleighleigh on my expense account, but now -- seeing the incredibly tight slot between two yawning fairway bunkers through which I needed to fit my drive -- the cost seemed well worth it.

I took a deep breath, once again admiring the architect's dramatic use of natural landforms and classic Golden Age design principles (elevated tee, generous sideboard mounding, dense stands of newly-transplanted trees just beyond the bunkers, and a rock-lined pond directly in front of the green), and swung from the heels, launching my pellet into the ozone. It seemed to hang in the air forever, giving me time to pause and reflect on my good fortune to have married Oprah just before my clock radio accidentally fell into her bathtub.    

[Chris Cupit]

Cirba wins the venerable British honor, the Bulwer-Lytton Award, granted annually to the worst start to a novel

Damn!  Too late for consideration?:

"This thread died today.  Or was it yesterday?  I don't know".

[Tim Pitner]

Honestly, most golf writing is pretty bad.  Travel articles or golf-related war stories tend to be lame.  Reading about golf is a poor substitute for playing golf.  It's interesting when someone expresses strong opinions about golf courses but even our own Tom Doak is more circumspect about that than in the past (and understandably but regretfully so).