Huckster,
Okay, take it private, but under the condition we do it Goodale's way. Here is the column as printed:
PLEASE FORWARD TO ANG SPORTS. THIS IS A GOLF COLUMN FOR THE TUESDAY SAN MATEO TIMES.
By Gib Papazian
Several weeks ago, we conjured up mythical Redan Hills Golf Club from the best ideas over a lifetime of experiences. Apparently, the idea of starting a club is a fantasy shared by many of our readers. We are still receiving responses and suggestions about a column that has somehow taken on a life of its own.
Richard Goodale, a longtime reader and friend, sent us a retort so impossibly clever I feel compelled to print it for your enjoyment. Evidently, he took exception to the private and insular nature of Redan Hills in favor of a far more egalitarian set-up.
Goodale will be returning to Scotland next month with his family to raise kids - and hopefully to organize a club based on his unique vision. Here is an edited version of his letter to the Times:
Dear Gib,
One of the finest and most fascinating things about golf is that golfing friends of similar experience can envision their "ideal" club almost 180 degrees apart! And yet, I'm very sure I would enjoy Redan Hills as much as you would enjoy the Old Links at Strathwhinn. So much for the pleasantries………….
Strathwhinn, being a links, has no "hills" to speak of, just an infinite series of randomly dispersed mounds and hollows. It does not have a "Redan" hole and anybody who even suggests that it ought to is immediately put on "double-secret" probation.
It is, of course in the Kingdom of Fife. As Hillaire Belloc once said about wine: "The first duty of a wine is to be red. The second is that it be a Burgundy."
On the same note, I say: The first duty of a golf course is to be a “links.” The second is that it be in Scotland.
In terms of the club, mine would have the following"characteristics:"
</button> Strathwhinn will be very much a public course. Various categories of "membership" are available (daily, weekly, fortnightly, seasonal, yearly, senior, junior, local, walk-ons, etc.) but all are subject to non-renewal at the end of any term. No other privileges for any class of member.
</button> All "members" will be subject to the sanction of "time out." Just as in kindergarten, this will be for misbehavior and entail a loss of all club privileges for a period of time.
</button> Strathwhinn will not employ a double-barrel named, anal retentive, retired British military officer to run the place. Some cheerful middle aged woman named Maggie will do just fine, assisted by a few lassies and laddies to help out during the busy months.
</button> We will have the same old pro year after year (he summers at my club and winters at Redan Hills), but he has no official duties except to occasionally sell sweaters, golf balls and faux club ties. He must have a questionable history, be a raconteur and not averse to a drammie or two.
</button> There will be assistant pro's, but rather than being well paid as at Redan Hills, they (or their sponsors, college, parents, etc.) will pay Strathwhinn for the privilege of a 2-year "residency." It will be one of the most sought-after posts for an ambitious young golf professional.
</button> The Greenkeeper will be highly competent, but not draw a lucrative salary. If he or she wishes to leave, the existence of Strathwhinn on the resume will guarantee a highly paid job at places like Redan Hills or Wentworth.
</button> He or she will have a large and cheerful staff, taken mostly from the local population. They will all be enthusiastic, with a thorough understanding of how to maintain a course with playability in mind.
</button> There will be a tennis club down the street and a local cricket club. A Strathwhinn "membership" will come with fishing privileges at a wee loch up in the hills.
</button> Unlike Redan Hills, there will be no "Dormy House" at the club. Players will be encouraged to frequent local establishments for accommodation, meals and non-golf oriented camaraderie.
</button> Much of this will be found at the club as well, of course. Strathwhinn will have a simple menu and legendary craic.
</button> We will not, however, have any wines priced at more that $10 retail. In fact, if a player wishes to drink any sort of wine in the clubhouse, it will be made difficult for him or her to find one of their liking.
</button> Beer and spirits will reign. The scotch of choice will be the "Strathwhinn Highland Malt" bottled for the club, and sold at a reasonable price.
</button> The course will have been a piece of scruffy land that the great-nephew of the owner claims used to be a golf course. It will be bought at an estate sale.
</button> The founders will hold a design competition which will consist of sending a disguised topographic map to every golf course architect we have ever heard of, asking them to send us back a routing.
</button> We will keep their ideas and tell all of them they lost the job. From their drawings, we will assemble a routing and hire the best unemployed golf hole shaper available to live in the village, hire and train some assistants and do his stuff.
</button> The designer of the course will always be listed as "The Singularity."
</button> I, Richard Goodale, will be in charge. There will be 20 or so founders who kick in a few grand, participate in the design of the course, and have playing privileges for the first year. After a while I might allow a "committee" of sorts, but they would have no power except that of possible persuasion.
</button> All holes will be subject to renovation, restoration, complete rebuilding, or even demolition. The course will be reversible and in common with St. Andrews, several tournaments will be played each year"back to front."
</button> All this is contingent upon me winning the lottery. Hope to see you soon in Scotland.
Cheers,
Rich Goodale